I Wish I Were A Man Just for the Week November 6, 2007

A heavy lassitude is gradually reinfiltrating every cell of my being. Is it almost time to hibernate, I wonder? I sure wish I could have stayed bundled up in bed today.
 
I have a cleaning gig right after work and dear God have mercy on me, I’d give anything not to have to do it. Why oh why did this gig have to fall on the first day of my period, the day when I feel the absolute worst in the entire month, the day when I curse God with all my might for making me a woman?!
 
Tonight I will have to get my body through three and a half hours of exhausting physical labor. (I could bawl my head off just thinking about it.) Without a moment of respite, I will have to stand, reach, bend, kneel, stoop, contort because a lazy, not to mention cheap, bunch of young working professionals waited six fucking weeks to call me back to clean their filthy mess of a house! 
 
(Thank heavens I didn’t forget my bottle of Ibuprofen pills. I sure am going to need it.)

Sugar Withdrawal October 25, 2007

I’m beyond tired. Not my usual depressed, heavy kind of tired, but this weird, floating-on-a-cloud kind of tired.  I can feel quivers crawling on the surface of my skin. My head, squeezed by a light pulsating force, seems to be hovering somewhere above the rest of my body. Aliens have taken over me.
 
Last night I ate 2 squares of chocolate, quickly and surreptitiously, as if I thought someone would catch me in the act. It was an act of desperation. 
 
I miss the taste of sweetness. When I think about it my mouth waters. This deprivation is torture. But I must continue to tell myself it is for my greater good. To remind myself I reach down to the soft, flaccid flesh bulging from my belly. There, between my fingers, lies the reason why I must end my passionate love affair with sugar.
 
I wish the aliens would kill me instead, for I don’t know if I can live without sugar, the only source of comfort in my life.

The most boring post ever October 10, 2007

What can I say? I’m boring. My life is boring.
 
I’m not interested in many things these days. Not even bely danzing*. I skipped danz class last Sunday because I just didn’t feel like going, and I am thinking about skipping again this week.
 
The only two things I’m still mildly interested in are movies and books, which I mainly use to escape reality and pass time (because time feels dreadfully slow). Since my mom now lives with me I can’t play around with meds, so no fun and games for me. Besides I’m too tired to think and act like I’m the queen of the world.
 
I’m going to the library after work to pick up a few books. I wish I could buy some novels, but I’ve already spent $30 this month on a bunch of mental illness books that I read in one sitting and probably won’t bother to look at again. What was I thinking? Library books it’ll have to be.
 
*I’m mispelling some words on purpose because I’m paranoid about being found by those who might be looking for me through search engines

Life in Slow Motion October 9, 2007

I spent my entire 50-minute commute home from work trying to figure out if today was Tuesday or Wednesday. After arguing tediously with myself, hovering between both days, I finally came to the (wrong) conclusion that it was Wednesday.
 
It’s hard to tell what day of the week it is because every day looks and feels the same. Life is so dreary. I run in slow motion while the world turns at the same speed. As the days grow darker, I only seem to be moving slower and slower.
 
I am receding into the oblivion of depression. Oddly I am not suicidal. I’m really just too tired. Everything is such a drag. All I want to do is lie down and be very still. All I want to do is stare at the blankness of the ceiling and feel nothing – be nothing.