Moody Caprices

Help, My Boss May Be OCPD, too! January 31, 2008

I call her the matron mother. Friendly on the surface, but fiercely stern and controlling at the core. 
As an OCPD person myself, I like rules, but somehow when she makes them, I find myself seething with passive-aggressive rage.
Examples of work rules I could do without:

  • Thou shalt not eat at your desk and store food anywhere but in the kitchen
  • Thou shalt not use touch your cell phone at all except before 8 a.m., during your 30-minute lunch break, and after 5:30 p.m. This includes not glancing at it even if only for a nano second or keeping it anywhere within sight. (Should this rule be broken, a new rule will have to go into effect in which all cell phones will have to be placed in a big black box upon entering the premises.)
  • Thou shalt not make or receive any personal calls on company phones
  • Thou shalt not use the internet for personal use (including email)
  • Thou shalt clear your desk at the end of each work day (or Matron Mother will get on your case non-stop until you clear it)
  • Thou shalt clean/dust your desk every Friday with Windex and a duster
  • Thou shalt write with green pen only
  • Thou shalt not bring smelly foods to work (i.e., fish and blue cheese are out)
  • Thou shalt write a to-do list for each work day and share it with your boss and coworkers at every morning meeting, supposedly so that “everyone” knows what you’re going to be doing all day
  • Thou shalt not take any vacation until you’ve been employed at least one year
  • If though shalt take more than 4 hours of sick/personal leave per day thou shalt not be paid for the time off 
  • Thou shalt work 45 hours a week, from 8:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. and always arrive and leave ON TIME
  • Thou shalt come to work even if case of floods, blizzards, earthquakes, and other natural disasters
  • Thou shalt not have an attitude with verbally abusive customers unless you’re the boss (in which case you can – be as mean as need be and even hang up the phone in their face)

Rules that are not officially written, but might as well…

  • When you’re at work, no life exists outside of the office walls. You are the company’s hostage
  • You’d better leave everything in the office in its proper place and do everything exactly as is expected or ocpd boss will freak (the f*ck) out and give you a hard time
  • Keep busy at all times; you never know when the boss is going to be standing right behind you, checking up on you
  • When boss pays you one of her frequent surprise visits, you’d better be doing something useful and be able to convince her of your usefulness
  • Forget you need to pee or hold it in as long as possible. Makes you look more hard-working.
  • Gobble down your snacks as fast as you can – before boss starts to wonder what you’re up to and finds the need to come up with a rule to limit snack time.
  • Don’t be surprised when new rules are created. You can’t expect to have fun in prison.
  • Don’t try to hide anything under your desk – boss will go through your stuff and find it (that’s how she found my snacks and passed the no-eating-at-your-desk regulation)
  • It’s okay to be a neat/organized freak. In fact it earns you brownie points.
  • The boss’ word is law. Don’t EVER break it. Or she’ll pass more laws to make sure the original law is enforced.
  • Company outings/trips are not optional (even if boss may claim they are)
  • Do not mistake your boss’ friendliness for leniency. Leniency doesn’t exist as long as she’s around.

The woman is driving me crazy. Just two weeks on the job and I’ve already been looking at ads for payroll/accounting positions I might – finally – be qualified for in 1? 2? years when I get out of this prison ward. I guess all will depend on how long I can stand living under Matron Mother’s autocratic rule. Bleh.