Moody Caprices

Self Confidence Is Sexy

Caprice — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 02:34:30 +0000

Lately I feel sexier and more beautiful than I’ve ever felt! People at work turn their heads to look at me. I can feel eyes lingering my way longer than usual. Men lose their composure when their eyes meet mine. And I don’t even wear suggestive clothing!

It’s not just that I’m looking better (and healthier!) than ever before, but most importantly I’m radiating with self-confidence. I now walk with my head up and a self-assured stride. Inside I’m proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. I was once a painfully shy, stuck-up girl. Today I’m a sexy and confident woman.

I am no longer afraid to look people in the eye. I smile a lot. What a difference it makes! I laugh, I joke around. I’m carefree and happy. I’m compassionate and kind to people. I listen more than I speak. I’m interested in what others have to say. I’m genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. The positive responses I’ve been getting from people as a result have been nothing short of beautiful. For the first time in my life I really do feel connected to people.

Not so long ago I used to feel like an outcast. I had trouble relating to others and felt out of touch with my fellow human beings. When I finally started letting go of my hangups and focusing on just being myself in their presence, I gradually discovered more and more common grounds with people, which eventually led to my being able to connect with them.

I stopped being so worried about what others thought of me. I stopped trying so hard to please them or be perfect. Instead I relaxed into the moment and learned to enjoy interacting with people. I shifted my focus from myself to them. When I interact with people now, I’m fully absorbing what they’re saying rather than being stuck in my own head, worrying and predicting, and completely missing the enjoyment of the interaction.

When you get out of your head, more exciting stuff happens! You find yourself saying and doing great things that you would normally not have said or done because you were too caught up in your endless toxic self debate. You no longer live in your head. You’re out there experiencing life to the fullest!

I love the attention my newfound confidence has brought me. People sort of gravitate towards you because you have this aura about you that is so appealing to them. And the beauty of it is, you’re not trying hard at all. That charisma, that charm, that appeal just oozes out of you in the most natural way. It’s who you are, not who you’re trying to be. I no longer have to go out there to “perform,” doing my best to be as charming as I can be. Thanks to my self-confidence, charm is already a part of me that doesn’t need to be summoned or created.

I feel like a truly genuine individual. I am real and sincere. I’m glowing with this inner energy that is radiating within me. I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to love my fellow human beings. And as a result I’ve learned to love life. And it sure shows!

New Year, New Resolutions!

Caprice — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 03:04:32 +0000

TAKE BETTER CARE OF MY BODY

1. Get into a regular fitness routine to reap all the physical, emotional and mental benefits associated with a healthy body. Get (and stay!) lean and toned.

Attend a drop-in dance class twice a month. I’d like to get back into ballet and try my hand at jazz and modern. I might even try something completely different like hip hop or flamenco. Dance is a lifelong passion of mine, which alas I’ve neglected these past few years. I would like to keep nurturing that passion, even if only for fun.
Attend a yoga, yogalates, or meditation class at least once a week. I’d like to gain more flexibility and strength in addition to increasing my overall well-being.

2. Stick to a healthy, sensible diet. Consume more vegetables and less sugar. Resist comfort food (i.e., junk food) binges. Continue drinking 3 liters a day. Reduce red meat consumption.

3. Go to the dentist!

ENJOY LIFE

Get out there and participate in activities I’m interested in to live life to the fullest and meet new people.

1. At least once a week attend an event or class. At each event/class, talk to at least one new person there.

2. Continue organizing local social events, aiming for at least two a month. Focus on being myself and having a good time!

3. Once a month, try something new. Get new hobbies. I’d love to take up photography; take a strip dancing, Arabic or fencing class; volunteer; visit a new US or Canada city; attend a film fest like the Toronto Film festival; try different ethnic cuisines; visit a new art gallery or museum; take a wine tasting daytrip to a vineyard; and go to a comedy club for the first time.

4. Take life easy. Continue “dropping” at every opportunity. No need to stress over anything. Take the time to smell the roses. Remember the small things that make life so beautiful.

PAMPER MYSELF REGULARLY

Once a week, treat myself to a little something special just because. A manicure or pedicure. A pretty top I would normally consider too expensive to buy. A bouquet of fresh flowers. Beautiful stationery. A nice sit down restaurant meal. Luxury bed sheets at a bargain store. A fresh fruit smoothie in the summertime. A cup of fancy Starbucks coffee in the wintertime. A small box of dark chocolate truffles. An ice cream treat or French pastry. A walk through a beautiful park. A candlelight bubble bath…

CUT DOWN ON SPENDING

1. Reduce credit card spending by buying only things I need.

2. Create a budget for classes and social outings, and stick to it!

3. Find ways to eliminate or reduce wasteful consumption.

4. Put more money into savings

EXPLORE CAREER ALTERNATIVE(S)

Continue exploring other career opportunities of interest to supplement current income and perhaps even prompt a career change to a higher paying job in the future.

BE MORE SELF-CONFIDENT

Smile more. Walk tall. Look at people in the eye more. Greet strangers. Make small talk with people at work. Stop worrying about what people think of me. Believe in myself and how wonderful I am. Just be myself!

Happily Single at 29

Caprice — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 02:06:50 +0000

I’m 29 years old and I’m still single. There are days when I feel sorry for myself and I think I’ve wasted my twenties being in relationships I shouldn’t have been in the first place. But then I realize that these ‘failed’ relationships were part of my dating education. They’re an important part of my quest to find Mr. Right, but even more importantly, to find myself.

Today I am wiser and more mature when it comes to dating and life in general. Because I’ve learned from my past dating experiences, I am less likely to repeat the foolish mistakes I made when I was younger and more naive.

The attributes that I’m looking for in a man are also more rooted in reality than in fantasy. In my twenties I was looking for a knight in shining armor, a sweet, tall, handsome man making a good living who’d sweep me off my feet, take care of me and make me happy. These days I’m looking for something more substantial, not to mention realistic. I want someone who’s mature and responsible, balanced and happy, honest and genuine, considerate and kind. I would rather be with someone who shares my principles and ideals than someone who looks like he spends hours at the gym. I would rather be with someone whom I could see myself peacefully growing old with than someone who would ignite sparks that may not even last.

As I continue working towards a more confident, well-rounded self, I know I am taking closer steps to finding Mr. Right. By being healthy, I will attract healthy relationships. It all starts with me. When I learn to be happy on my own, to be confident in the person I am, to live life to the fullest without a man, the right man will find his way to my heart when I least expect it.

The most important realization is that I don’t need a man to be happy. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy. If I can’t be happy on my own, then I can’t possibly be happy with any man. As I mentioned in my last post, self-esteem comes from within and cannot be created from the outside.

I need to love myself first and foremost. Unlike what I had always believed, it’s not selfish to put myself first. When I truly know and believe in myself, I will follow through with what I feel is best for me. I will no longer feel the need to please or impress people, compare myself to my peers, or follow the dictates of society.

What do I truly want? What do I feel is best for me? No one else but me can answer these questions for me. I will listen to my own voice. When it comes from a source of inner peace, it is wise and true. When it comes from a place of turmoil and agitation, however, it is often irresponsible and misleading. I will know the difference and always strive to maintain the inner peace necessary to make the right decisions.

I don’t need marriage. I’m perfectly fine on my own. Desperation is what leads many women to jump into marriages that turn out to be unhappy. I refuse to marry (or date!) anyone out of desperation. Marriage is a lifelong commitment; I would be signing my own death warrant by marrying a man either out of desperation or fear of loneliness. And I will not waste more months of my life dating someone whom I know is not right for me simply because I’m too scared to be alone.

No, I would rather be on my own, living fully and happily. Starting tonight, I will stop worrying about the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone. The more I keep mulling over it, the less time I will have to enjoy life! And the less I enjoy life, the less likely I would be to have (or notice!) anyone falling in love with me. I will eliminate the time-wasting thought process completely and instead focus on building a happy, fulfilling existence on my own. Maybe the right man will come along or maybe he won’t. It doesn’t really matter, does it, if I’m perfectly happy by myself?

The New Me!

Caprice — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 05:16:16 +0000

My last post was five months ago. I’m not going to bother going over what I’ve been up to since July because I doubt anyone has waited around long enough for me to return from wherever I’ve been.

All I can is that I’ve changed. For the better! I feel, think and even act like a new person. I have therapy, but mostly hard work to thank for that. Of course that isn’t to say I’m ‘cured.’ The fact is there’s no such thing as a cure. As human beings we’re always evolving, learning, working to improve ourselves so that we feel good about ourselves and the world we live in. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that happiness is not a state to be achieved, but a continuous process, a journey through the ups and downs, the twists and turns.

For far too long I was passively waiting and hoping to reach happiness as if it were a sort of climax in which all the right circumstances aligned themselves into place. As it turns out happiness is actually within closer reach than I had imagined and expected it would be. It’s in the small moments, the now, the here. It’s in the smile someone returns when I smile at them, the deep breaths my lungs take, the rays of sunshine flooding a room, the laughter shared with people whose company I enjoy, and so many other little things I often overlooked for what I thought were the bigger, more important matters in life.

I thought a successful career, fulfilling love and financial comfort were the key ingredients to a happy existence. I thought if I achieved those things, I would finally be happy. The truth is I don’t need any of these ‘external’ things to be happy. As cliché as it sounds, happiness really does come from within.

I’ve worked very hard these past few months to make peace with myself and accept myself a bit more each day just as I am, flaws and all. Through persistent practice, I’ve learned to ‘drop’ and ride through every troubled feeling triggered by each and every disruptive thought, action or interpersonal interaction. By striving to maintain a fully relaxed physiological state regardless of what befalls, I have gradually acquired the ability to take life in stride and stay cool even under fire.

Today life no longer seems as stressful, demanding and unbearable. I’m better able to face the unpredictabilities that once used to throw me in shambles. I’m no longer afraid of the future because I am focused on feeling good in the present.

When I feel emotional disruption arising, I drop by focusing on getting my breathing and body completely relaxed so that any tension slowly melts away and I am able to think clearly again. I used to hold my breath when I was upset, sad or angry. My muscles would tense up and I would have trouble swallowing. My heart would either beat madly or be completely numb.

I still experience these symptoms every once in a while, but now that I am aware of them, I know to mitigate and even stop them when they arise. I’m not always successful. Having accumulated so many years of emotional baggage makes it difficult to get through every layer of hurt for each given drop. Some drops take a couple of minutes; others take a week. The more I drop, though, the quicker I am able to get through those layers. Each time the upsetting thought or situation occurs, I’m able to drop a little bit deeper, a little tiny bit faster.

For some instances, I’ve managed to get through all the layers and I can now drop through them almost instantly. The layers seem to get thinner as you keep dropping through them, drop after drop. It takes practice and persistence. It also takes a firm dedication to stomping the critical inner voice that works very hard to unravel your efforts.

I’ve come to realize that my critical voice is absolutely worthless; it thinks and speaks like it knows it all, yet all it speaks is slander. Touting its beliefs based for the most part on false premises and unfounded assumptions, it often sounds absurd! Why on earth would I continue listening to it?

I’m still working through the dropping. It’s a work in progress. There are so many things that still bring me turmoil that I haven’t yet managed to entirely drop through. But the beauty of this experience is that it all comes from me. No one, not my therapist nor the best self-help literature on the market, has been telling me what to say, think or do.

At the end of each drop, when my mind is absolutely clear and I’m perfectly calm, thoughts and ideas of my very own come to the surface. When I listen to these thoughts and ideas, which come from a place of inner peace, actions that exhibit self-esteem naturally follow. I’m not doing what anyone thinks I should do; I am doing what I want to do based on what only I know in my heart is best for me. I am listening to my true inner voice. I am making my own decisions without second guessing myself.

As a newly improved individual, I’m turning the page and starting a new chapter in this blog.

In Control of My Destiny

Caprice — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:06:07 +0000

Why does uncertainty seem so terrifying? I can’t think of the future without an oppressive feeling of dread. Life is filled with so many surprises and unexpected turns. I need to be able to trace the exact course of my existence. The thought of not knowing what is going to happen is too unbearable.

A few years ago I made a vow with myself to take my own life at some point or another. For me it’s like looking into a crystal ball and being able to see what the future holds. I know the ending to my story before it’s happened. Thinking about it gives me a sense of mastery over my existence.

To most people it’ll seem like a lame and pathetic ambition. The act of ending your life so that you can be in control of your destiny is a very selfish, heartless thing to do. But as someone with OCPD, I think it’s rational. To me it makes perfect sense. I wouldn’t take my life on an impulse to end my pain or seek revenge on anyone –though I must admit I have been tempted to. No, my life’s ultimate pursuit is to be in control. By being able to end my life whenever I so choose, I feel as though I can achieve that goal. We’re all mere mortals and we’re all going to die anyway. Barring any life-taking accidents or sudden illnesses, I’d like to decide when I die and how I die.

Whenever I’m ready to go, I want to be able to just go. Dying fulfilled means dying knowing that I was able to control my destiny.

Perfectionism Is A Disease

Caprice — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 18:05:18 +0000

My perfectionism seems to work three ways:

I set unreasonably high standards for myself.
I set unreasonably high standards for other people.
I believe others have extremely high standards for me.

Hence I am constantly judging myself, judging others, and thinking about how others are judging me.

Nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing a significant other does is ever good enough. Because I am an exacting and unforgiving judge, we’re doomed from the start. No matter how hard we tried, we could never achieve the unrealistic standards of perfection that I demand.

When you’re so used to judging yourself and others so stringently, you become convinced that this is the way the world operates. In my mind others are just as demanding as I am, and I feel considerable pressure from them to surpass their expectations. They’re watching me, evaluating me and expecting the world of me. I fear they will lose respect for me if I fail them, so I push myself relentlessly to avoid humiliation and gain their approval.

But often the pressure from both within and outside gets to be so overwhelming that I feel as if I can’t keep on going. I’m easily burned out. Easily disappointed. Being a perfectionist takes a toll on you. So many failures, yet so few successes, if any. Each failure is a massive blow to the self-esteem, bringing you closer to hopelessness and despair. You work hard, but you achieve nothing. You’re just madly going around in circles in a pointless and miserable process.

Perfectionism is a vicious disease. It eats you. Poisons you. Confines you. Defeats you. I can’t tell you how badly I want to break free. Every second of my existence I can see it working in action, preventing me from achieving my true potential, alienating me from the people I love, draining the energy out of me and destroying my will to continue living in this world.

Whenever I take actions to curb the disease, it’s there, laughing in my face as it screams “I am you! You can never get past me! Whatever you do, it will be MY doing!” Whenever I try to do the right thing, it always turns out to be the wrong thing. I can’t seem to be able to run away from perfectionism. Whatever I do –every word I utter, every action I take, every thought I have– seems to fueled by the disease.

So I’ve decided to go back to therapy. Now that I have a real job with health insurance, I have no excuse. I want to get better. I want to fight this sickness. And at this point I really see no other way.

Always Too Much

Caprice — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:21:45 +0000

Boy have I seriously neglected this blog.

It’d take too long to explain where I’ve been or what I’ve done since May 3. Other than having a real job with benefits and a busy social calendar, my life actually isn’t all that different from what it was two months ago. I’m still obsessive. Still lonely. Still unhappy. And yes, I’m still good at whining.

After being rejected by a man I was obsessively pining for, I took up organizing meet^ups (local social networking events) as a hobby. It became a sort of outlet for my obsessive-compulsive tendencies, a way to channel my overzealous energies into something productive.

Naturally instead of deriving pleasure from the experience as other organizers do, I’ve obsessed over the whole thing a bit much, bringing upon myself more stress than is necessary. I know I’m the only one to blame for that. I’ve always had a knack for making things more difficult than they really are. I always want too much, do too much, push too much, worry too much.

Only a month into it and I’m already reaching the burnout stage. I’m sick of organizing meet^ups. It’s gotten to be too much. Unless I calm the fuck down and take it EASY, I doubt I could keep it going much longer. Sadly that goes for everything in my life. Work, relationships, blogging, trifles… You name it I obsess over it.

Unless I learn to chill out and stop taking everything so seriously, unless I learn not to make a MONUMENTAL deal out of everything, unless I learn to accept anything less than perfect, unless I learn to give myself a pat on the back for the good that I do and forgive myself for the not so good I do, unless I learn to loosen the grasp on every aspect of my life I am so fiercely adamant on exercising control over, then happiness will continue eluding me.

Wake Up. Dream Is Over.

Caprice — Sat, 03 May 2008 23:21:09 +0000

My blogging hiatus are getting longer and longer. It’s hard to write when you’re distracted by other things (like stalking people online) or when your heart is just not in it (when you eventually find out the people you’re stalking are turning out to be already married or dating someone else).

Not much has happened in the past month except that three weeks ago I started temping at a suburban Cath0lic school for girls. Surprisingly it’s been a very pleasant experience, which I will treasure for years to come as one of the best working experiences of my life.

At this position I have had my very own office with large windows, which look out onto a green grassy courtyard lined with trees and invite sunshine to pour in abundantly into the room. On bright, sunny days it’s almost like working outside.

I’ve also been blessed with the opportunity to work independently without the unpleasant discomfort of frequent human interactions or telephone calls. All day long I quietly labor at my desk, putting the few assets that I have to offer – mainly my organizational, formatting and proofreading skills- to good use. It’s a dream come true for a socially anxious introvert like me!

For once in my life I don’t mind coming to work every morning. I love the vast, beautiful and serene greenery of the campus. Each day on my walk from the metro, I stop by a wooden bridge and peek through the white-flowered branches that uncover the little brook running below. Every time I peek into the picture perfect frame, I feel as though I am peering into a hidden pathway to a secret world that looks like heaven. I pause and take a breath of fresh air, listening to the birds sing and imagining myself to be in a secluded forest, away from cars, roads and modern buildings. Nature is truly a sight to behold. During those moments of stillness I forget the world and almost feel peace within myself.

Sadly all good things must come to an end. I had hoped to stay at this job permanently, but after recently speaking with the human resource manager about what the position would entail were it to become permanent, I now doubt that will happen. As it turns out, if they hired me I would be required to perform tasks that would require extensive interpersonal contact and coordination, something which I know in my heart I simply could not be comfortable – or competent – doing. (The last thing I’d want is to be let go again because of my inability to interact with people.)

And so I will be here probably for another couple of weeks or so. I am sad to go, yet I know I wouldn’t be happy if I could no longer work independently. As much as I cringe at the idea of being back on the job hunt again (yes, I was foolish to stop looking), I really have no choice. It hurts to know that I had put so much hope into this job and it fell through. It feels so much like deja vu, like a repeat situation of my last job in which I thought everything was going according to plan until suddenly reality hits hard – nothing is as it seems, and I find myself out of a job, confused as to how I could have been so naive, so foolishly hopeful.

But how easy it was to think that this “dream” job could last forever. As with everything, I unreasonably and unabashedly hope and dream of the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, the perfect job. I really did think I had found the perfect job and I really did believe I was going to get it, not because I was optimistic (I’m hardly an optimistic person), but simply because it was part of my fantasy to attain what I considered to be the perfect job situation for me.

I guess it’s time to wake up. Dream is over.

Hopeless Job Search

Caprice — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:32:09 +0000

Oooh, I’m really liking the new WordPress interface. It looks so inviting that blogging suddenly seems like the thing to do.

It’s been a week since I was given the axe at work. The job search has been fruitless thus far, but then I can’t say I’ve been very motivated to look too hard. My outlook on life has been pitifully grim lately. I’m feeling pretty hopeless.

I feel handicapped by my social anxiety and depression. Every administrative job ad that I read calls for an enthusiastic self-starter, an outgoing, friendly team-player… They want someone with a positive, can-do attitude, excellent verbal communication skills, a pleasant phone demeanor, stellar customer service skills and all the attributes of the ideal administrative assistant that I just don’t have, can’t have, will never have.

Administrative support is not the right career for me. I’m not cut out for it. No one wants to hire a quiet, self-effacing assistant who sees the glass as half-empty and likes to be left in her own little world.

The truth is that I like to work on my own, in my own space. I don’t want to have to deal with clients, either on the phone or in person. I want to spend as little time with my coworkers as possible. I want to do something that is so straightforward and repetitive that I can just get lost in it and not see the time go by. I want to go to work to pay the bills and nothing more.

I chose administrative support as a career because I didn’t know what else to do at the time. When I got into it I had no real professional experience whatsoever; my college major was useless; I didn’t have any money for specialized training; and I was neither motivated nor smart enough to seek out more demanding jobs. Being a secretary seemed like the easiest way to join the white-collar workforce and so I went for it.

Although I hated the people interaction aspect of it, I was fortunate enough that the jobs I landed involved little interpersonal involvement. Now that I’m unemployed and looking again, however, I’m realizing just how hard it is going to be for me to find another position where I will be left in my little corner in peace.

I’ve been trying to think of other career options for someone as socially anxious as I am that don’t involve additional training or education. I was breaking into the payroll and accounting fields in my most recent job, but it seems that if you’re not an actual accountant, you’re pretty much stuck doing customer service stuff, especially when you’re first starting out. I’ve been considering legal file clerk or records management positions instead. Though some human interaction is required, at least these jobs wouldn’t have me answer phones or constantly help people. The problem I’ve been running into is that most companies seem to be looking for someone with some experience in the field and I don’t have any.

I’ve thought about other career paths like medical coding, which apparently doesn’t involve ANY kind of client interaction, but it seems like it might be way over my head with all the complicated medical jargon and my laughable incapacity to remember much of anything.

So at this point it doesn’t look like I’m going to be employed any time soon. I fear I will have to go back to the blue-collar workforce and stay there indefinitely. Maybe that’s what I’m cut out to do, clean other people’s toilets. It’s easy enough and I don’t have to talk to anyone while I’m scrubbing away.

Freedom is Mine Again

Caprice — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:50:14 +0000

Lo and behold, I am finally free from the shackles of the job from hell.

Four weeks ago, I submitted my resignation (with two weeks’ notice) in writing, but my boss insisted I stay and work on my introversion/social anxiety, which was the excuse I had given them for wanting to leave. Then, three and a half weeks later, they decided to ~~fire me~~ “take me up on my resignation” because they realized I was a hopeless case.

Hah! I’ve spent 28 years coping with social anxiety and avoidance issues; how foolish of them to think I would magically become more talkative and gregarious in less than a month.

Still, the news of the release came as a shock and was a bitter pill to swallow. It came as fast and as unexpected as lightning. After they had asked me to work on improving my social skills with my coworkers, things improved somewhat, or so I thought. Coward OCPD boss called me at half past eight last Thursday evening to tell me she was letting me go. She had been expecting bigger results and obviously I hadn’t delivered. Offering little explanation other than she felt it just wasn’t going to work out, she told me not to return the next day to finish the week off or pick up my belongings.

So here I am, unemployed again. Though I’m past the feelings of denial and anger, I’m still recovering from the rejection, which came so abruptly. I never saw it coming this fast. Boss had insisted that if things didn’t work out, she would keep me on board until I found another job. They needed me, she had assured me. On the afternoon of the sudden boot, we had spoken about it again and once more she had reiterated that offer to me. I was counting on that safe cushion. Like a fool I trusted her. When I was ready to walk out that door, the cunning viper sweet-talked me into staying and then, when I least expected it she delivered the backstabbing punch and fired me without notice, claiming that I had been right all along, that it was best they “take me up on my resignation, effective immediately.”

It was a crushing blow. It felt like my self-esteem had been beaten up to a pulp, my sense of stability yanked from under me and thrown into the wind. I’m slowly picking up the pieces, struggling to regain enough self worth, to dig into whatever reserves of hope and strength I’ve got left to get back into the job hunt.

Oh she sure had me on that one. They all had me on that one, they who conspired to get rid of me, they who must be smiling smugly as we speak. But if only they knew what RELIEF I feel to be rid of them as well.

I am a free woman. I’ve made it out of prison. I’ve made it out of hell. I can breathe again, be myself again. And as God is my witness, for as long as I live, I shall let no other job EVER take that freedom away from me again.