Wake Up. Dream Is Over. May 3, 2008

My blogging hiatus are getting longer and longer. It’s hard to write when you’re distracted by other things (like stalking people online) or when your heart is just not in it (when you eventually find out the people you’re stalking are turning out to be already married or dating someone else).
 
Not much has happened in the past month except that three weeks ago I started temping at a suburban Cath0lic school for girls. Surprisingly it’s been a very pleasant experience, which I will treasure for years to come as one of the best working experiences of my life.
 
At this position I have had my very own office with large windows, which look out onto a green grassy courtyard lined with trees and invite sunshine to pour in abundantly into the room. On bright, sunny days it’s almost like working outside.
 
I’ve also been blessed with the opportunity to work independently without the unpleasant discomfort of frequent human interactions or telephone calls. All day long I quietly labor at my desk, putting the few assets that I have to offer – mainly my organizational, formatting and proofreading skills- to good use. It’s a dream come true for a socially anxious introvert like me!
 
For once in my life I don’t mind coming to work every morning. I love the vast, beautiful and serene greenery of the campus. Each day on my walk from the metro, I stop by a wooden bridge and peek through the white-flowered branches that uncover the little brook running below. Every time I peek into the picture perfect frame, I feel as though I am peering into a hidden pathway to a secret world that looks like heaven. I pause and take a breath of fresh air, listening to the birds sing and imagining myself to be in a secluded forest, away from cars, roads and modern buildings. Nature is truly a sight to behold. During those moments of stillness I forget the world and almost feel peace within myself.
 
Sadly all good things must come to an end. I had hoped to stay at this job permanently, but after recently speaking with the human resource manager about what the position would entail were it to become permanent, I now doubt that will happen. As it turns out, if they hired me I would be required to perform tasks that would require extensive interpersonal contact and coordination, something which I know in my heart I simply could not be comfortable – or competent – doing. (The last thing I’d want is to be let go again because of my inability to interact with people.)
 
And so I will be here probably for another couple of weeks or so. I am sad to go, yet I know I wouldn’t be happy if I could no longer work independently. As much as I cringe at the idea of being back on the job hunt again (yes, I was foolish to stop looking), I really have no choice. It hurts to know that I had put so much hope into this job and it fell through. It feels so much like deja vu, like a repeat situation of my last job in which I thought everything was going according to plan until suddenly reality hits hard – nothing is as it seems, and I find myself out of a job, confused as to how I could have been so naive, so foolishly hopeful.
 
But how easy it was to think that this “dream” job could last forever. As with everything, I unreasonably and unabashedly hope and dream of the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, the perfect job. I really did think I had found the perfect job and I really did believe I was going to get it, not because I was optimistic (I’m hardly an optimistic person), but simply because it was part of my fantasy to attain what I considered to be the perfect job situation for me.
 
I guess it’s time to wake up. Dream is over.

Hopeless Job Search April 4, 2008

Oooh, I’m really liking the new WordPress interface. It looks so inviting that blogging suddenly seems like the thing to do.
 
It’s been a week since I was given the axe at work. The job search has been fruitless thus far, but then I can’t say I’ve been very motivated to look too hard. My outlook on life has been pitifully grim lately. I’m feeling pretty hopeless.
 
I feel handicapped by my social anxiety and depression. Every administrative job ad that I read calls for an enthusiastic self-starter, an outgoing, friendly team-player… They want someone with a positive, can-do attitude, excellent verbal communication skills, a pleasant phone demeanor, stellar customer service skills and all the attributes of the ideal administrative assistant that I just don’t have, can’t have, will never have.
 
Administrative support is not the right career for me. I’m not cut out for it. No one wants to hire a quiet, self-effacing assistant who sees the glass as half-empty and likes to be left in her own little world.
 
The truth is that I like to work on my own, in my own space. I don’t want to have to deal with clients, either on the phone or in person. I want to spend as little time with my coworkers as possible. I want to do something that is so straightforward and repetitive that I can just get lost in it and not see the time go by. I want to go to work to pay the bills and nothing more.
 
I chose administrative support as a career because I didn’t know what else to do at the time. When I got into it I had no real professional experience whatsoever; my college major was useless; I didn’t have any money for specialized training; and I was neither motivated nor smart enough to seek out more demanding jobs. Being a secretary seemed like the easiest way to join the white-collar workforce and so I went for it.
 
Although I hated the people interaction aspect of it, I was fortunate enough that the jobs I landed involved little interpersonal involvement. Now that I’m unemployed and looking again, however, I’m realizing just how hard it is going to be for me to find another position where I will be left in my little corner in peace.
 
I’ve been trying to think of other career options for someone as socially anxious as I am that don’t involve additional training or education. I was breaking into the payroll and accounting fields in my most recent job, but it seems that if you’re not an actual accountant, you’re pretty much stuck doing customer service stuff, especially when you’re first starting out. I’ve been considering legal file clerk or records management positions instead. Though some human interaction is required, at least these jobs wouldn’t have me answer phones or constantly help people. The problem I’ve been running into is that most companies seem to be looking for someone with some experience in the field and I don’t have any.
 
I’ve thought about other career paths like medical coding, which apparently doesn’t involve ANY kind of client interaction, but it seems like it might be way over my head with all the complicated medical jargon and my laughable incapacity to remember much of anything.
 
So at this point it doesn’t look like I’m going to be employed any time soon. I fear I will have to go back to the blue-collar workforce and stay there indefinitely. Maybe that’s what I’m cut out to do, clean other people’s toilets. It’s easy enough and I don’t have to talk to anyone while I’m scrubbing away.

Freedom is Mine Again March 31, 2008

Lo and behold, I am finally free from the shackles of the job from hell.
 
Four weeks ago, I submitted my resignation (with two weeks’ notice) in writing, but my boss insisted I stay and work on my introversion/social anxiety, which was the excuse I had given them for wanting to leave. Then, three and a half weeks later, they decided to fire me “take me up on my resignation” because they realized I was a hopeless case.
 
Hah! I’ve spent 28 years coping with social anxiety and avoidance issues; how foolish of them to think I would magically become more talkative and gregarious in less than a month.
 
Still, the news of the release came as a shock and was a bitter pill to swallow. It came as fast and as unexpected as lightning. After they had asked me to work on improving my social skills with my coworkers, things improved somewhat, or so I thought. Coward OCPD boss called me at half past eight last Thursday evening to tell me she was letting me go. She had been expecting bigger results and obviously I hadn’t delivered. Offering little explanation other than she felt it just wasn’t going to work out, she told me not to return the next day to finish the week off or pick up my belongings.
 
So here I am, unemployed again. Though I’m past the feelings of denial and anger, I’m still recovering from the rejection, which came so abruptly. I never saw it coming this fast. Boss had insisted that if things didn’t work out, she would keep me on board until I found another job. They needed me, she had assured me. On the afternoon of the sudden boot, we had spoken about it again and once more she had reiterated that offer to me. I was counting on that safe cushion. Like a fool I trusted her. When I was ready to walk out that door, the cunning viper sweet-talked me into staying and then, when I least expected it she delivered the backstabbing punch and fired me without notice, claiming that I had been right all along, that it was best they “take me up on my resignation, effective immediately.”
 
It was a crushing blow. It felt like my self-esteem had been beaten up to a pulp, my sense of stability yanked from under me and thrown into the wind. I’m slowly picking up the pieces, struggling to regain enough self worth, to dig into whatever reserves of hope and strength I’ve got left to get back into the job hunt.
 
Oh she sure had me on that one. They all had me on that one, they who conspired to get rid of me, they who must be smiling smugly as we speak. But if only they knew what RELIEF I feel to be rid of them as well.
 
I am a free woman. I’ve made it out of prison. I’ve made it out of hell. I can breathe again, be myself again. And as God is my witness, for as long as I live, I shall let no other job EVER take that freedom away from me again.

Awaiting the Coup de Grace February 25, 2008

I’ve been meaning to write for some time now, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to put any of my thoughts into words (and really haven’t had the time for it).
 
I’ve been at my job for a little over a month now and as things stand I’m really hoping I’ll be fired. Though I haven’t gotten to the point of half assing the work yet, in less than a couple of weeks, my attitude has gone from friendly and motivated to apathetic and unenthusiastic. Call it evidence of self-sabotage, but it’s gotten pretty obvious I don’t care much about the job.
 
Not only can I not stand my boss, but now I can’t stand my coworkers either, which probably sounds stupid because a month ago when I first started the job, I had nothing but praise for them. I find it so frustrating and disappointing that once you actually get to know people, they can be so drastically unlike what you had hoped and imagined them to be. 
 
I feel so drained. The tension that exists between my coworkers and me is becoming too much to bear. I can sense that they don’t think too well of me and I think they can sense I don’t think too well of them either. I feel so different from them, as if I came from another planet altogether. But I’m neither interested in being like them nor being friends with them. All I want to do is get out of there as soon as I can and run away as far as I can from them.
 
Maybe I’m like that with mankind in general. Maybe my expectations of people are unrealistically high. Maybe I am incapable of coexisting in harmony with other human beings, especially in tight-knit environments.  
 
I wish they’d just fire me, get it over with. Clearly I’m not the kind of person they were looking for. They’re much better off without me.
 
Of course I’m not going to quit because that would make me a quitter – and I’ve done enough of that in my lifetime. No, I’d rather wait until they fire me. I’ll keep giving them a little help, though, by being a less than ideal employee, which isn’t very difficult since I truly am not the self-starting, motivated, energetic, outspoken, gregarious, and fun kind of employee they were hoping to get when they hired me. (Damn, I really fooled them at the interviews.)

Help, My Boss May Be OCPD, too! January 31, 2008

I call her the matron mother. Friendly on the surface, but fiercely stern and controlling at the core. 
 
As an OCPD person myself, I like rules, but somehow when she makes them, I find myself seething with passive-aggressive rage.
 
Examples of work rules I could do without:

• Thou shalt not eat at your desk and store food anywhere but in the kitchen
• Thou shalt not use touch your cell phone at all except before 8 a.m., during your 30-minute lunch break, and after 5:30 p.m. This includes not glancing at it even if only for a nano second or keeping it anywhere within sight. (Should this rule be broken, a new rule will have to go into effect in which all cell phones will have to be placed in a big black box upon entering the premises.)
• Thou shalt not make or receive any personal calls on company phones
• Thou shalt not use the internet for personal use (including email)
• Thou shalt clear your desk at the end of each work day (or Matron Mother will get on your case non-stop until you clear it)
• Thou shalt clean/dust your desk every Friday with Windex and a duster
• Thou shalt write with green pen only
• Thou shalt not bring smelly foods to work (i.e., fish and blue cheese are out)
• Thou shalt write a to-do list for each work day and share it with your boss and coworkers at every morning meeting, supposedly so that “everyone” knows what you’re going to be doing all day
• Thou shalt not take any vacation until you’ve been employed at least one year
• If though shalt take more than 4 hours of sick/personal leave per day thou shalt not be paid for the time off 
• Thou shalt work 45 hours a week, from 8:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. and always arrive and leave ON TIME
• Thou shalt come to work even if case of floods, blizzards, earthquakes, and other natural disasters
• Thou shalt not have an attitude with verbally abusive customers unless you’re the boss (in which case you can – be as mean as need be and even hang up the phone in their face)

Rules that are not officially written, but might as well…

• When you’re at work, no life exists outside of the office walls. You are the company’s hostage
• You’d better leave everything in the office in its proper place and do everything exactly as is expected or ocpd boss will freak (the f*ck) out and give you a hard time
• Keep busy at all times; you never know when the boss is going to be standing right behind you, checking up on you
• When boss pays you one of her frequent surprise visits, you’d better be doing something useful and be able to convince her of your usefulness
• Forget you need to pee or hold it in as long as possible. Makes you look more hard-working.
• Gobble down your snacks as fast as you can – before boss starts to wonder what you’re up to and finds the need to come up with a rule to limit snack time.
• Don’t be surprised when new rules are created. You can’t expect to have fun in prison.
• Don’t try to hide anything under your desk – boss will go through your stuff and find it (that’s how she found my snacks and passed the no-eating-at-your-desk regulation)
• It’s okay to be a neat/organized freak. In fact it earns you brownie points.
• The boss’ word is law. Don’t EVER break it. Or she’ll pass more laws to make sure the original law is enforced.
• Company outings/trips are not optional (even if boss may claim they are)
• Do not mistake your boss’ friendliness for leniency. Leniency doesn’t exist as long as she’s around.

The woman is driving me crazy. Just two weeks on the job and I’ve already been looking at ads for payroll/accounting positions I might – finally - be qualified for in 1? 2? years when I get out of this prison ward. I guess all will depend on how long I can stand living under Matron Mother’s autocratic rule. Bleh.

Confessions After One Week At The New Job January 25, 2008

During weekdays I may have to half ass keeping this blog updated because I no longer have two hours to spare each day to write decent posts. So from now it’ll have to be mini posts, crap-quality posts (*anticipated gag*), or no posts at all.
 
I love my new job, but I HATE getting up at 6:25 a.m. (!) every morning. If I didn’t have my water-filled perfume spray on hand to shoot my face with water when that f** alarm goes off, I’d never manage to rise from my warm, comfy bed this inhumanely early.
 
At my new job, I have had to interact with fellow human beings (i.e., co-workers) quite a lot and I have actually found myself enjoying their company – oh, the travesty!
 
I don’t feel as lonely when I’m spending my evenings and weekends alone. It’s like I’m getting so much social interaction at work among my sweet and wonderful coworkers that I’m all socially interacted out by the end of it. Finding a boyfriend just doesn’t seem all that absolutely necessary – or appealing - anymore (OMG, I can’t believe I just said that!). These days I really just look forward to the time alone; I consider it my ‘me’ time: my time to recharge, relax, and do all the things I need to get done that I can’t do during my work days (e.g., exercise, blog, check email, work on my personal finances, go to the bank, etc).
 
My workplace is one helluva strict, organized, and structured place to be. There are so many rules, so many systems in place to be followed to the letter in complete obedience that it feels like being in a Catholic boarding school for girls. At first I hated the feeling of being overly restrained and controlled, but I’ve quickly gotten used to it and now I find it to be necessary. Thanks to our outstanding level of organization, we’re extremely efficient at what we do. I LOVE being a part of something that is so organized, so focused, and so well put together, especially when deadlines are pressing and the workload is growing. We’re really as efficient as a factory assembly line, only the work atmosphere among us is warm, convivial, and supportive.
 
I never thought I’d ever say this, but after having worked one week at this job, I can say two things: 1) I don’t hate people 2) all women are not evil