My blogging hiatus are getting longer and longer. It’s hard to write when you’re distracted by other things (like stalking people online) or when your heart is just not in it (when you eventually find out the people you’re stalking are turning out to be already married or dating someone else).
Not much has happened in the past month except that three weeks ago I started temping at a suburban Cath0lic school for girls. Surprisingly it’s been a very pleasant experience, which I will treasure for years to come as one of the best working experiences of my life.
At this position I have had my very own office with large windows, which look out onto a green grassy courtyard lined with trees and invite sunshine to pour in abundantly into the room. On bright, sunny days it’s almost like working outside.
I’ve also been blessed with the opportunity to work independently without the unpleasant discomfort of frequent human interactions or telephone calls. All day long I quietly labor at my desk, putting the few assets that I have to offer – mainly my organizational, formatting and proofreading skills- to good use. It’s a dream come true for a socially anxious introvert like me!
For once in my life I don’t mind coming to work every morning. I love the vast, beautiful and serene greenery of the campus. Each day on my walk from the metro, I stop by a wooden bridge and peek through the white-flowered branches that uncover the little brook running below. Every time I peek into the picture perfect frame, I feel as though I am peering into a hidden pathway to a secret world that looks like heaven. I pause and take a breath of fresh air, listening to the birds sing and imagining myself to be in a secluded forest, away from cars, roads and modern buildings. Nature is truly a sight to behold. During those moments of stillness I forget the world and almost feel peace within myself.
Sadly all good things must come to an end. I had hoped to stay at this job permanently, but after recently speaking with the human resource manager about what the position would entail were it to become permanent, I now doubt that will happen. As it turns out, if they hired me I would be required to perform tasks that would require extensive interpersonal contact and coordination, something which I know in my heart I simply could not be comfortable – or competent – doing. (The last thing I’d want is to be let go again because of my inability to interact with people.)
And so I will be here probably for another couple of weeks or so. I am sad to go, yet I know I wouldn’t be happy if I could no longer work independently. As much as I cringe at the idea of being back on the job hunt again (yes, I was foolish to stop looking), I really have no choice. It hurts to know that I had put so much hope into this job and it fell through. It feels so much like deja vu, like a repeat situation of my last job in which I thought everything was going according to plan until suddenly reality hits hard – nothing is as it seems, and I find myself out of a job, confused as to how I could have been so naive, so foolishly hopeful.
But how easy it was to think that this “dream” job could last forever. As with everything, I unreasonably and unabashedly hope and dream of the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, the perfect job. I really did think I had found the perfect job and I really did believe I was going to get it, not because I was optimistic (I’m hardly an optimistic person), but simply because it was part of my fantasy to attain what I considered to be the perfect job situation for me.
I guess it’s time to wake up. Dream is over.
Wake Up. Dream Is Over. May 3, 2008
My OCPD Triggers / Pet Peeves December 18, 2007
These give me impulses to go on murdering rampages…
People who stand on the left side of the metro escalators. The rule is stand on the right, walk on the left - Every time someone breaks that rule, I want to run them down or shove them aside. It’s one of those things that really want to make me lose my cool in public and strangle someone from behind.
Finding that my mom hasn’t properly rinsed or precleaned the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher - The dishwasher isn’t a miracle worker; you DO have to get the gunk off the dishes so it doesn’t dry up and makes the dishwasher’s job impossible. Also, all of the items on the top shelf must be placed face DOWN so everything can get cleaned properly.
Catching my mom using the dish sponge to wipe up the counters/sink - It throws me into a fit! The dish sponge is for the dishes only. Grrrrrr…
People who show up late by 15 minutes or more at meetings - Unless they’ve got a really really good excuse (e.g., they got into a car accident or a close relative of theirs got sick at the last minute), I see them as being careless, irresponsible, disrespectful and inconsiderate. It makes me quite cranky to have to wait (when there are so many other things I could have been doing during that time!) and it can potentially ruin the meeting completely for me.
Changes of plans, especially if they’re last minute - People have no idea how destructive that is to my mood and my well-being. I don’t adapt to change like other people do. It takes me a long time to adjust to anything. When you suddenly decide to change things up on me, you’re basically asking me to undo all the hard work/thinking I’ve probably spent a considerably amount of time doing. Murder, I tell you.
Bad grammar/spelling – I can’t stand seeing the word “your” when it’d be obvious to a 10-year old that “you’re” should be used. Simple mistakes like that come across to me as carelessness and shows a lack of regard for proper writing. Heck, English is not my native language and I know better.
People who try to change my mind about anything, whether it be about political issues, religion, movie preferences, or food choices - Sorry, I don’t change my mind for people. If I am going to change my mind ever, I’ll do it of my own accord because it suits my self-interests to do so AND fits with MY personal rules/morals/ethics… People are wasting their time (and mine!) when they try to lecture me, give me unsolicited advice, or argue with me about stuff I’m clearly not interested in changing my mind about.
Phone use in public – It makes me so mad when people just yap on and on their cell phones and speak as if they were the only living souls on earth. If my phone rings and I’m in the metro, I’m considerate enough to 1) speak in as low a voice as possible (I actually cover my mouth as well so that only the person I’m speaking to hears me) and 2) keep the conversation to just a few minutes (i.e., just enough time to say what I need to say) OR if possible - and I prefer this option above all, 3) ignore the call and let it go to voicemail (my ringer is set on vibrate and to the lowest volume so usually only I can hear it). Of course most people have no such consideration for others. It’s extremely frustrating.
Loud people - I’m the kind of person who likes her environment to be quiet and toned down for the most part. Loud people (including people who laugh loudly) drive me nuts. You can’t shut them up or tell them to keep it down, it’s pointless. I swear, they’ll be the deaf of me - if the death of me won’t come first, that is.
Beggars and solicitors – They really have a way of pushing my buttons. If they’re so handicapped they really can’t work and/or are so old they can barely stand on their two feet, I’ll have some compassion, but other than that, I have no mercy for solicitors. Get off the bottle/drugs and get a job, darn it! I never give money to anyone who asks unless I feel they truly deserve it and need it (e.g., if someone asks for a quarter because they don’t happen to have enough for bus fare, I’ll gladly give them one if I’ve got one).
Couples who make out in public – They make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassed, not just for myself but for them, too. I don’t mind dropping in on a stolen kiss or two, a hug, an embrace, but if you’re going to use tongues and feel each other up, get a room for heaven’s sake. Yuck. What a disgrace.
People with loud car stereos and/or exhausts - WHY must you do this?! I hate you so much if I had a gun I’d probably shoot you for making my heart threaten to stop beating whenever you pass by.
Noisy exercisers – I’m not talking about those who socialize at the gym as if it were happy hour (it’s obvious I can’t stand those), but about those who make exercising sound like a hot and heavy sex session. It’s especially disgusting when it comes from short, bulky men who likely have a wiener the size of a gherkin. Ewww! We know you’re not getting enough, but please keep the grunting, moaning, and orgasming to yourself when you lift weights.
I could go on and on… but I have to go to bed now.
Here Comes The Dreaded “Holiday Season” November 25, 2007
My mom (who’s living with me for a few months) LOVES Christmas. She loves shopping, loves the idea of giving and receiving gifts, loves wearing red, loves listening to Christmas songs all day long, and loves Christmas decorations. The trouble is as a grouch, I HATE Christmas. I can’t stand the fake jolliness, the fake spirit of giving, the fake togetherness, the fake love, the fake everything.
My mother wanted a Christmas tree, but I told her there was no way in hell we were having such tacky frivolousness in MY apartment. Christmas trees, with their meaningless garish showiness, are a symbol of everything I hate about Christmas.
So this is what we compromised on:
A Christmas-ish screen!
Though my living room sort of looks like an orchard now, at least there are no lights, sparkly garlands, angels, Santa Clauses, or red-nosed reindeers in sight. I will not have to gag every time I go into my living room and my two fun-loving kitties will not be swinging on any branches (or garlands). Phew!
