Today has been emotional. It was my last day on the job. I worked there for over 3 years and although I hated it almost the whole time, I miss it now – and it hasn’t even been 6 hours since I locked my little office for the very last time.
I’m going to miss my office, my own private space. I’m going to miss spending hours on the computer, on the internet specifically, checking up on my bank accounts and my credit card balances, hitting the reload button every five minutes to see if any new emails have come, reading useless, random stuff… I’m going to miss the independence, doing my own thing, working with little guidance, having the office to myself most of the time. I’m going to miss my boss. He was by far the BEST boss ever and I know I am NEVER going to be lucky to get another boss as great as he was.
Oh, I really had it good at my old job. I was really comfortable with what I was doing. I felt like I was in my element – on my own mostly, no pressure, few deadlines, just taking it easy. Every week I had a day off, Mondays usually. For the amount of work I did, the pay was decent. Save for the long, oppressive bouts of boredom, which drove me insane (and sometimes even triggered suicidal impulses), it was pretty much paradise at work.
Now it’s all over and I can’t believe I took it all for granted. I can’t believe I whined so much about how bored and miserable I was with it. On Tuesday I’m starting another job, a temp-to-perm one this time, with an American company (I was blessed to have worked at a European organization), and I can already see how drastically different things are going to be. I’ll have to be at work every single day, 1 1/2 hours earlier and ON TIME, for longer hours, and I will actually be BUSY, running around doing all kinds of things, I imagine, rather than quietly, comfortably sitting at my computer all day long waiting for time to pass. I can say goodbye to dallying around on the internet or on the phone, sneaking out of work early to go to the movies, or enjoying a siesta while the boss is away. I will finally know the meaning of work as those bloody workaholic Americans know it. (Will somebody, something, a hate mail, a snow storm, a non-functioning traffic light, an accidental lethal combination of vitamins and allergy pills pleeeeeease kill me before Tuesday?)
I’m dreadfully scared. And sad, too. I don’t like change. I want my good old job back. I need security, familiarity. I’m going to this new job, which I really don’t know much about, and I’m so terrified at the prospect of being around new people, doing new, challenging things, and having no place there to hide or find comfort. At the new job I will have to deal with people, something which dead people are probably better at than I am. The new boss will most likely not be as cool, laid-back, patient, and understanding as my old one. Sooner or later everyone will realize they made a big booboo in picking me.
I don’t know why they did that. What a grave mistake. Did I do that well on the phone interview yesterday that they didn’t think anyone else fared better than I had? I find that impossible to believe. I shouldn’t have taken that Xanax one hour before the interview. I shouldn’t have been that relaxed, that friendly, that unusually verbally articulate. Who the hell was speaking on the phone? For Christ’s sake, I am a socially anxious, stuck up, awkward, reticent wallflower. I am not cut out to be an executive assistant in a customer-service oriented environment. I belong in a hole. This cannot be real.
I shouldn’t have prepared interview questions and answers in advance and consulted them as I spoke to the interviewer. I shouldn’t have had my resume, my current job description, and everything relevant to my current position all laid out in front of me either. It’s all a cheat. A fraud. A big scam. A HUGE mistake. And it will all blow up sooner or later.
I should have failed; that’s what I am used to. That’s what I do best. Success is so foreign to me. I’m a failure. Where did this sudden, unexpected burst of success come from? What did I do to deserve it? I expected to go days, weeks without a job. This is so terrifyingly bizarre that I would have something lined up so soon.
If I somehow convince myself not to listen to the voices that are telling me as we speak not to show up at my new job on Tuesday, I am certain the people there will quickly realize I’m not the right person for the job. I’m ready for it, crossing my fingers for it, but what a humiliation it will be to show up there and disappoint like that. I so hate disappointing people; it disappoints me tenfold.
I wish I could turn back time and make sure this never happened. All I’d like to do right now, other than bawl my eyes out in panic, is to crawl into a tree hole and hide there for milleniums until this has all passed and my memory, and the memories of all the people involved, have been wiped clean of every trace of this unfortunate occurrence.
Am I out of my mind for not congratulating myself at having been accepted for a job, for not being thrilled at the idea of getting a paycheck soon, for wishing I had failed? How can one possibly be in a celebratory mood under the circumstances? I feel like the end of the world has come and Judgment Day will be here on Tuesday and I will fail and I will be punished and I will go to hell and I … could go on and on in that doomsday trajectory because I don’t know what else to do so I’ll just shut up and pray for the worst…
Goodbye, Good Old Job January 4, 2008
Social Avoidance November 15, 2007
We had a potluck at work today. I drank a small glass a wine, listened to the speeches, ate some food, and as soon as I was done I left. A couple of sweet ladies were kind enough to talk to me briefly, but it didn’t take them long to realize how useless it is to have a conversation me. I’m a wallflower. I don’t talk. They may as well have been talking to the walls.
I used to get really anxious in social situations like these. Now I’m just mildly uncomfortable. I still get the same thoughts running through my mind, thoughts like ’I don’t belong here,’ ‘I have nothing smart or interesting to say,’ ‘I probably look stupid standing here by myself,’ etc.
Since I can’t cope with the unbearability of the situation, I capitulate and I retreat. It’s my way of saying to myself, ’alright, you got me. I can’t take this anymore. You win, I lose. Now let’s split.’
The social avoider, that’s me. I’m a master of avoidance.
Over the years I’ve learned that it’s futile for me to try to fit in. I’ve come to see my incapacity to socialize with others as another fact of life, something as natural as swinging my arms when I walk. I don’t bother fighting it anymore. It’d be like defying gravity, which as far I know, is impossible.
So whenever I find myself in potlucks, parties, and banquets, I focus on what is to be done in such events: to eat, and once my mission is accomplished, to leave.
Undateable October 30, 2007
When I talk to people who are happily married, engaged, or involved with a special someone, I can’t help but feel sad because I secretly know I will never experience any of this. I work very hard to get used to the idea of spending the rest of my life alone, yet when I look around and see so many people in love, I am reminded of what I can’t have and it hurts.
Sometimes I wish I were normal so that I could find (and keep) love. It would be wonderful to fall in love again. Why do I have to ruin every relationship I’m in? Why can’t I keep myself from being so needy, demanding, and difficult? I behave much better on my own. It is only when a man comes into the picture, a boyfriend to be exact, that I turn into a real pain in the ass.
What is it about having a boyfriend that makes me feel like I am entitled to make his life unbearable? I really don’t mean to hurt anyone. God knows I tried very hard to behave in my last relationship.
I’m better off alone. Men are better off without me. I know this. Every day I tell myself so. And I am doing the best I can to accept it. But it’s easier said than done. There are times when I think I can manage on my own and then there are times when I can’t bear to be so lonely. Damn this neediness.
I am better off alone, for my sake and other people’s sake. I should tattoo this statement on my forearm as a self-reminder and on my forehead as a warning to others, and wear a T-shirt that says, “I Bite – Run, Do Not Just Walk to the Nearest Exit.”
Clarification October 17, 2007
Someone made an interesting observation about one of the statements in my last post:
“You say you’d like to be with people who like the same things you do. I thought that everybody felt this way. I think I do. So what are the things you like?”
It made me realize that I had phrased my sentence ambiguously so that my real point was lost completely.
What I meant to say was that I’d like to be with people who think like me, dress like me, participate in the same activities I do, etc. in other words people who are exactly like me. It’s impossible to find someone exactly like oneself, which is why it’s a ridiculous wish. I know that. I set myself for failure from the get-go by wishing something as impossible as that. It’s actually a self-fulfilling prophecy that if I can’t find someone like that I’ll choose to be alone instead. What I am really saying, although I won’t admit it even to myself, is that I will be alone because no one else is good enough for me.
When I read that last statement, though, I’m puzzled because I also believe the opposite to be true, mainly that I’m not good enough for people to like me. It’s another self-contradiction to which I have no answer (yet).
Some Reasons Why I Avoid Social Contact October 16, 2007
- I often don’t feel like talking because it takes too much effort.
- I think small-talk is a waste of time. I’d rather talk about the deep, intimate stuff immediately, but of course few people want to do that. They want to build a rapport first.
- In social situations, I have nothing smart, funny, or interesting to say. It’s best I say nothing or people will see how stupid and dull I am.
- When I do speak people often can’t hear me and ask me to repeat myself five hundred times. It’s both embarrassing and frustrating.
- I am a terrible person. I can’t let people to discover the ‘real’ me or they’ll reject me.
- I can’t stand rejection.
- I can’t stand criticism.
- Being around people sometimes makes me fantasize about physically hurting them. I don’t like having these thoughts; they’re too disturbing.
- I don’t belong. I am an outcast.
- I’d like to be with people who like the same things I do and feel the same way I do, but I can’t find these people so I’d rather be alone.
- I’m so used to doing a lot of things on my own that I don’t like doing much with other people.
- I only need people when I’m lonely.
- I need to feel a very special connection with someone in order to enjoy their company.
- I usually don’t feel any special connection with anyone except with whomever I’m dating at the moment.
- When I have a boyfriend I don’t feel the need to have any friends. He’s the center of my existence; he’s all I need.
- I am judgmental. I don’t like a lot of people.
- People are judgmental. I’m not a likeable person, therefore nobody likes me.
- I am too self-absorbed. I really don’t care about other people’s problems. I wish I could talk about myself all the time, but I can’t do that because then they’ll see how selfish I am. Hence I constantly have to put on an act and it’s tiring.
- Acting friendly, selfless, and understanding to show this good side of me to people not only is exhausting, but it makes me feel like a fraud.
- People bore me, especially when all they do is talk about themselves.
- I don’t enjoy the things people enjoy. I always seem to enjoy what other people don’t enjoy. I always seem not to want to conform.
- I am a party pooper. I hate it when people have a good time because I’m not having a good time.
- I am always envious of other people because they’re better, prettier, smarter, more popular etc. I avoid people to avoid feeling this terrifying envy which consumes me and makes me feel worthless.
- I’d rather be alone than to feel “stuck” with other people.
- Being with other people makes me feel like a prisoner. You have to abide by some social norms and I hate doing that.
- I also like my space. Social contact needs to happen on my own terms.
- People always ask for favors. I have to avoid being too close to people so they won’t ask me any favors. I can’t stand doing people favors.
- People are unreliable. When you need them, they’re not there for you. It’s best to rely only on yourself.
- When I’m friends with someone I tend to want them all to myself. I am jealous of their friends and perceive their spending too much time with other people as a personal rejection.
- When I’m friends with someone I feel as though I am constantly competing with them. It’s draining. I hate losing, but I always end up losing because I’m such a loser. It makes me feel worthless, so I have to sever all ties with them before I lose it and let them see how terrible I am.
- When I’m friends with someone they’re either my friends or my enemies. Some days I love them; some days I hate them.
- Friendships are too complicated.
- Friendships are too demanding and taxing.
- I am not good with people.
- I don’t make a very good friend. People are better off without me.
High School Meme October 11, 2007
This blog is turning out to be more of a mood journal than I expected, which is fine by me, but I thought I’d throw in a little meme for a change.
1. Who was your best friend? I had none.
2. What sports did you play? None.
3. What kind of car did you drive? I didn’t learn how to drive till I was 22.
4. It’s Friday night, where were you? In my room, possibly listening to sappy songs and daydreaming about love.
5. Were you a party animal? I didn’t go to a real party until I was in my early twenties.
6. Were you considered a flirt? No, I was considered very quiet, even mute for all I know.
7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? I was in the marching/pep band and in the orchestra for one musical, Annie. I played the flute.
8. Were you a nerd? Not really, just an outcast.
9. Did you get suspended/expelled? I almost got suspended for taking off during a school trip without telling the teachers where I was going. I wrote a heartfelt letter of apology and the teacher decided not to suspend me after all.
10. Can you sing the fight song? What’s that?
11. Who was your favorite teacher? Spanish teacher. I was the teacher’s pet.
12. Did you go to Prom? I went to senior prom, the one and only dance I ever attended in high school. It was really boring; I must have stayed only half an hour. And I didn’t even dance because no one would dance with me.
13. If you could go back and do it over, would you? I wouldn’t go back. I hated high school.
14. What do you remember most about graduation? I was sad because I knew I was never going see my crush again and because I didn’t know whether I’d be going to college or not.
15. Where were you on senior skip day? At school, not knowing there was such a day because no one ever told me anything.
16. Did you have a job your senior year? All through high school, I worked as a helper/housekeeper for this family we used to be neighbors with.
17. Where did you go most often for lunch? An empty classroom, usually by myself, where no one would find me.
18. What was your favorite class? Spanish. Without really trying, I was always the best student.
19. What did you do after graduation? I think I cried myself to sleep that night.
20. When did you graduate? 1997
21. Who was your Senior prom date? A ‘friend’ of mine who wasn’t much of a date because he spent most of his time ignoring me and talking to his friends.
22. What clubs/organizations did you belong to? International club, school band, National Honor Society
24. Did you go to your 10 year reunion? Nope and I wouldn’t have gone even if they had paid me to.
Why Am I Here? What Am I Doing? October 4, 2007
I am envious of other bloggers.
Many of them have friends; they belong to some kind of community; they enjoy open communication with their readers.
I’m a lonely blogger. A castaway on a deserted island. I have closed all links to civilization, shunned all human contact. I am alone because I can’t help pushing others away.
Other bloggers seem to have a purpose, a focus. They have something to speak of; they have something positive, useful, insightful, entertaining to share.
What do I have to share? Transient moods, shifting desires, flighty ideas, uncertain goals. I’m as confusing as I am confused, as exasperating as I am exasperated with myself.
From the inside of the bubble I isolate myself in, I watch them. That’s all I can do. I, the outsider, who will never be, could never be, one of them.
Taming the Anger Within October 3, 2007
Today is one of those beware-I-bite days. I feel uncomfortably touchy and edgy. At the slightest poke I could explode.
It takes considerable self-restraint not to give into the impulses to attack. There is so much tension in my limbs. I feel like a wild animal in captivity.
Let me out, says the anger. You’ll get me in trouble, I reply.
To be safe I keep my distance from people. I don’t have to work hard at that; I give off a cold and distant vibe without trying.
When I was still with my ex, I would lash out at him. He was an easy target; he seldom fought back. I’d even take it out on my cats, poor creatures. Such a terrible woman I am, preying upon the weak and the innocent. I’m so ashamed.
I’m trying to control myself. My mom now lives with me; she keeps an eye on me. I can’t bully her because she’s a tough one and won’t have anyone mess with her. I feel intimidated. I also don’t want her to discover my dark side; it’s best to keep it a secret.
And so in silence I must struggle. Anger is raging within, but I can’t let it bubble to the surface lest I be found out.
Invisible October 2, 2007
I ran away from my enemies and sought refuge here.
In the place where I come from, I felt scrutinized by those I knew in real life, those prying eyes who lurked beneath, invading my sanctuary. They made me feel exposed; they made me feel ashamed.
But the torment is over! I have escaped from their clutches and I’m free again!
Oh, how peaceful it feels to be invisible again.
