Lately I feel sexier and more beautiful than I’ve ever felt! People at work turn their heads to look at me. I can feel eyes lingering my way longer than usual. Men lose their composure when their eyes meet mine. And I don’t even wear suggestive clothing!
It’s not just that I’m looking better (and healthier!) than ever before, but most importantly I’m radiating with self-confidence. I now walk with my head up and a self-assured stride. Inside I’m proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. I was once a painfully shy, stuck-up girl. Today I’m a sexy and confident woman.
I am no longer afraid to look people in the eye. I smile a lot. What a difference it makes! I laugh, I joke around. I’m carefree and happy. I’m compassionate and kind to people. I listen more than I speak. I’m interested in what others have to say. I’m genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. The positive responses I’ve been getting from people as a result have been nothing short of beautiful. For the first time in my life I really do feel connected to people.
Not so long ago I used to feel like an outcast. I had trouble relating to others and felt out of touch with my fellow human beings. When I finally started letting go of my hangups and focusing on just being myself in their presence, I gradually discovered more and more common grounds with people, which eventually led to my being able to connect with them.
I stopped being so worried about what others thought of me. I stopped trying so hard to please them or be perfect. Instead I relaxed into the moment and learned to enjoy interacting with people. I shifted my focus from myself to them. When I interact with people now, I’m fully absorbing what they’re saying rather than being stuck in my own head, worrying and predicting, and completely missing the enjoyment of the interaction.
When you get out of your head, more exciting stuff happens! You find yourself saying and doing great things that you would normally not have said or done because you were too caught up in your endless toxic self debate. You no longer live in your head. You’re out there experiencing life to the fullest!
I love the attention my newfound confidence has brought me. People sort of gravitate towards you because you have this aura about you that is so appealing to them. And the beauty of it is, you’re not trying hard at all. That charisma, that charm, that appeal just oozes out of you in the most natural way. It’s who you are, not who you’re trying to be. I no longer have to go out there to “perform,” doing my best to be as charming as I can be. Thanks to my self-confidence, charm is already a part of me that doesn’t need to be summoned or created.
I feel like a truly genuine individual. I am real and sincere. I’m glowing with this inner energy that is radiating within me. I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to love my fellow human beings. And as a result I’ve learned to love life. And it sure shows!
Self Confidence Is Sexy January 16, 2009
Wake Up. Dream Is Over. May 3, 2008
My blogging hiatus are getting longer and longer. It’s hard to write when you’re distracted by other things (like stalking people online) or when your heart is just not in it (when you eventually find out the people you’re stalking are turning out to be already married or dating someone else).
Not much has happened in the past month except that three weeks ago I started temping at a suburban Cath0lic school for girls. Surprisingly it’s been a very pleasant experience, which I will treasure for years to come as one of the best working experiences of my life.
At this position I have had my very own office with large windows, which look out onto a green grassy courtyard lined with trees and invite sunshine to pour in abundantly into the room. On bright, sunny days it’s almost like working outside.
I’ve also been blessed with the opportunity to work independently without the unpleasant discomfort of frequent human interactions or telephone calls. All day long I quietly labor at my desk, putting the few assets that I have to offer – mainly my organizational, formatting and proofreading skills- to good use. It’s a dream come true for a socially anxious introvert like me!
For once in my life I don’t mind coming to work every morning. I love the vast, beautiful and serene greenery of the campus. Each day on my walk from the metro, I stop by a wooden bridge and peek through the white-flowered branches that uncover the little brook running below. Every time I peek into the picture perfect frame, I feel as though I am peering into a hidden pathway to a secret world that looks like heaven. I pause and take a breath of fresh air, listening to the birds sing and imagining myself to be in a secluded forest, away from cars, roads and modern buildings. Nature is truly a sight to behold. During those moments of stillness I forget the world and almost feel peace within myself.
Sadly all good things must come to an end. I had hoped to stay at this job permanently, but after recently speaking with the human resource manager about what the position would entail were it to become permanent, I now doubt that will happen. As it turns out, if they hired me I would be required to perform tasks that would require extensive interpersonal contact and coordination, something which I know in my heart I simply could not be comfortable – or competent – doing. (The last thing I’d want is to be let go again because of my inability to interact with people.)
And so I will be here probably for another couple of weeks or so. I am sad to go, yet I know I wouldn’t be happy if I could no longer work independently. As much as I cringe at the idea of being back on the job hunt again (yes, I was foolish to stop looking), I really have no choice. It hurts to know that I had put so much hope into this job and it fell through. It feels so much like deja vu, like a repeat situation of my last job in which I thought everything was going according to plan until suddenly reality hits hard – nothing is as it seems, and I find myself out of a job, confused as to how I could have been so naive, so foolishly hopeful.
But how easy it was to think that this “dream” job could last forever. As with everything, I unreasonably and unabashedly hope and dream of the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, the perfect job. I really did think I had found the perfect job and I really did believe I was going to get it, not because I was optimistic (I’m hardly an optimistic person), but simply because it was part of my fantasy to attain what I considered to be the perfect job situation for me.
I guess it’s time to wake up. Dream is over.
Hopeless Job Search April 4, 2008
Oooh, I’m really liking the new WordPress interface. It looks so inviting that blogging suddenly seems like the thing to do.
It’s been a week since I was given the axe at work. The job search has been fruitless thus far, but then I can’t say I’ve been very motivated to look too hard. My outlook on life has been pitifully grim lately. I’m feeling pretty hopeless.
I feel handicapped by my social anxiety and depression. Every administrative job ad that I read calls for an enthusiastic self-starter, an outgoing, friendly team-player… They want someone with a positive, can-do attitude, excellent verbal communication skills, a pleasant phone demeanor, stellar customer service skills and all the attributes of the ideal administrative assistant that I just don’t have, can’t have, will never have.
Administrative support is not the right career for me. I’m not cut out for it. No one wants to hire a quiet, self-effacing assistant who sees the glass as half-empty and likes to be left in her own little world.
The truth is that I like to work on my own, in my own space. I don’t want to have to deal with clients, either on the phone or in person. I want to spend as little time with my coworkers as possible. I want to do something that is so straightforward and repetitive that I can just get lost in it and not see the time go by. I want to go to work to pay the bills and nothing more.
I chose administrative support as a career because I didn’t know what else to do at the time. When I got into it I had no real professional experience whatsoever; my college major was useless; I didn’t have any money for specialized training; and I was neither motivated nor smart enough to seek out more demanding jobs. Being a secretary seemed like the easiest way to join the white-collar workforce and so I went for it.
Although I hated the people interaction aspect of it, I was fortunate enough that the jobs I landed involved little interpersonal involvement. Now that I’m unemployed and looking again, however, I’m realizing just how hard it is going to be for me to find another position where I will be left in my little corner in peace.
I’ve been trying to think of other career options for someone as socially anxious as I am that don’t involve additional training or education. I was breaking into the payroll and accounting fields in my most recent job, but it seems that if you’re not an actual accountant, you’re pretty much stuck doing customer service stuff, especially when you’re first starting out. I’ve been considering legal file clerk or records management positions instead. Though some human interaction is required, at least these jobs wouldn’t have me answer phones or constantly help people. The problem I’ve been running into is that most companies seem to be looking for someone with some experience in the field and I don’t have any.
I’ve thought about other career paths like medical coding, which apparently doesn’t involve ANY kind of client interaction, but it seems like it might be way over my head with all the complicated medical jargon and my laughable incapacity to remember much of anything.
So at this point it doesn’t look like I’m going to be employed any time soon. I fear I will have to go back to the blue-collar workforce and stay there indefinitely. Maybe that’s what I’m cut out to do, clean other people’s toilets. It’s easy enough and I don’t have to talk to anyone while I’m scrubbing away.
Freedom is Mine Again March 31, 2008
Lo and behold, I am finally free from the shackles of the job from hell.
Four weeks ago, I submitted my resignation (with two weeks’ notice) in writing, but my boss insisted I stay and work on my introversion/social anxiety, which was the excuse I had given them for wanting to leave. Then, three and a half weeks later, they decided to fire me “take me up on my resignation” because they realized I was a hopeless case.
Hah! I’ve spent 28 years coping with social anxiety and avoidance issues; how foolish of them to think I would magically become more talkative and gregarious in less than a month.
Still, the news of the release came as a shock and was a bitter pill to swallow. It came as fast and as unexpected as lightning. After they had asked me to work on improving my social skills with my coworkers, things improved somewhat, or so I thought. Coward OCPD boss called me at half past eight last Thursday evening to tell me she was letting me go. She had been expecting bigger results and obviously I hadn’t delivered. Offering little explanation other than she felt it just wasn’t going to work out, she told me not to return the next day to finish the week off or pick up my belongings.
So here I am, unemployed again. Though I’m past the feelings of denial and anger, I’m still recovering from the rejection, which came so abruptly. I never saw it coming this fast. Boss had insisted that if things didn’t work out, she would keep me on board until I found another job. They needed me, she had assured me. On the afternoon of the sudden boot, we had spoken about it again and once more she had reiterated that offer to me. I was counting on that safe cushion. Like a fool I trusted her. When I was ready to walk out that door, the cunning viper sweet-talked me into staying and then, when I least expected it she delivered the backstabbing punch and fired me without notice, claiming that I had been right all along, that it was best they “take me up on my resignation, effective immediately.”
It was a crushing blow. It felt like my self-esteem had been beaten up to a pulp, my sense of stability yanked from under me and thrown into the wind. I’m slowly picking up the pieces, struggling to regain enough self worth, to dig into whatever reserves of hope and strength I’ve got left to get back into the job hunt.
Oh she sure had me on that one. They all had me on that one, they who conspired to get rid of me, they who must be smiling smugly as we speak. But if only they knew what RELIEF I feel to be rid of them as well.
I am a free woman. I’ve made it out of prison. I’ve made it out of hell. I can breathe again, be myself again. And as God is my witness, for as long as I live, I shall let no other job EVER take that freedom away from me again.
