I’ve been exercising practically every day in a very intense fashion. I have become so obsessed with exercise that it has become the center of my existence.
Is exercise replacing the void once filled by my ex, I wonder?
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I feel the need to exercise as often and as hard I can because …
A healthy diet is worthless without exercise
I’m terribly bored and don’t know what else to do
Exercise distracts me from my negative thoughts
Exercise makes me forget how lonely I am (while I’m doing it)
Exercise helps me think more clearly
Exercise gives me a much needed boost of energy
Exercise gives me the control and power to change the way I look
Exercise gives me a sense of purpose in life
I need a strong point of focus in my life to keep myself together
I need to feel PASSION about something
I need to give my entire body, heart, mind and soul to something in order to feel alive
I’m hurting inside and exercise makes me feel better afterwards
Pushing my body as far it will go makes me feel high
Riding on the high that comes with intense exercise makes me feel powerful
The soreness that comes the day after I exercise feels good
I (still) don’t like the way I look
I want faster, more immediate results
I am ready to sacrifice everything to achieve the dream body I desperately want
I want to show others that I can accomplish this
I can’t wait to impress people with my new super fit, super toned figure
I want to show to this girl I am jealous of (who hasn’t seen me for years) that I (still) look twice as good as she does (she used to be fat, but now she looks thin and fit)
If I don’t exercise I feel terribly guilty
If I don’t exercise I feel like a failure
If I don’t exercise I feel worthless and empty
If I don’t exercise all my efforts will have been in vain
If I don’t exercise those who know I’ve embarked on this mission will laugh at me for not following through with my plans and goals
And if I can’t succeed in accomplishing my goals, I’ll never be able to show my face again to people who knew me back when I was still thin and beautiful
Exercise Diary #6 – I Must Exercise As Often and As Hard I Can November 12, 2007
Thwarted Ambitions October 18, 2007
If it weren’t for NPD OCPD and narcissism, I would have been a professional bely dancer by now. And a great one, too. Not just based on what I think of my potential, but based on what others have said (and still say) of my dancing.
But I am not and will never be.
I hold myself back from achieving my true potential. I am incapable of following any ambitions to the end because the standards I set for myself are too high, my ideals of perfection too great. I live in a fantasy world. Any small setbacks are seen as complete failures. I must be as great as the dancer in my fantasies or I am nothing. When I realize I cannot live up to my grandiose fantasies, I soon lose interest and give up altogether.
Envy of others plays an important role in my self-sabotage. When I look at those around me who’ve made it as dancers, and then I look at myself who’s done nothing despite of the talent I know I have, I can’t help but feel jealousy, anger, and shame. Rather than compete against these girls and face a sure (humiliating) defeat, I capitulate instead. I let them have it because I know I can’t have it, can’t do it.
My conscience scolds me severely for being a failure, a good-for-nothing, a loser. The masochist in me then engages in self-sabotaging, self-defeating behaviors to reinforce that belief and punish myself further. Utterly defeated, I retreat into guilt and wallow in self-pity until something reinstills hope in me and prompts me to try again and repeat the cycle all over again.
In the end, though, I remain in the same spot, never going anywhere, never accomplishing anything.
Some Reasons Why I Avoid Social Contact October 16, 2007
- I often don’t feel like talking because it takes too much effort.
- I think small-talk is a waste of time. I’d rather talk about the deep, intimate stuff immediately, but of course few people want to do that. They want to build a rapport first.
- In social situations, I have nothing smart, funny, or interesting to say. It’s best I say nothing or people will see how stupid and dull I am.
- When I do speak people often can’t hear me and ask me to repeat myself five hundred times. It’s both embarrassing and frustrating.
- I am a terrible person. I can’t let people to discover the ‘real’ me or they’ll reject me.
- I can’t stand rejection.
- I can’t stand criticism.
- Being around people sometimes makes me fantasize about physically hurting them. I don’t like having these thoughts; they’re too disturbing.
- I don’t belong. I am an outcast.
- I’d like to be with people who like the same things I do and feel the same way I do, but I can’t find these people so I’d rather be alone.
- I’m so used to doing a lot of things on my own that I don’t like doing much with other people.
- I only need people when I’m lonely.
- I need to feel a very special connection with someone in order to enjoy their company.
- I usually don’t feel any special connection with anyone except with whomever I’m dating at the moment.
- When I have a boyfriend I don’t feel the need to have any friends. He’s the center of my existence; he’s all I need.
- I am judgmental. I don’t like a lot of people.
- People are judgmental. I’m not a likeable person, therefore nobody likes me.
- I am too self-absorbed. I really don’t care about other people’s problems. I wish I could talk about myself all the time, but I can’t do that because then they’ll see how selfish I am. Hence I constantly have to put on an act and it’s tiring.
- Acting friendly, selfless, and understanding to show this good side of me to people not only is exhausting, but it makes me feel like a fraud.
- People bore me, especially when all they do is talk about themselves.
- I don’t enjoy the things people enjoy. I always seem to enjoy what other people don’t enjoy. I always seem not to want to conform.
- I am a party pooper. I hate it when people have a good time because I’m not having a good time.
- I am always envious of other people because they’re better, prettier, smarter, more popular etc. I avoid people to avoid feeling this terrifying envy which consumes me and makes me feel worthless.
- I’d rather be alone than to feel “stuck” with other people.
- Being with other people makes me feel like a prisoner. You have to abide by some social norms and I hate doing that.
- I also like my space. Social contact needs to happen on my own terms.
- People always ask for favors. I have to avoid being too close to people so they won’t ask me any favors. I can’t stand doing people favors.
- People are unreliable. When you need them, they’re not there for you. It’s best to rely only on yourself.
- When I’m friends with someone I tend to want them all to myself. I am jealous of their friends and perceive their spending too much time with other people as a personal rejection.
- When I’m friends with someone I feel as though I am constantly competing with them. It’s draining. I hate losing, but I always end up losing because I’m such a loser. It makes me feel worthless, so I have to sever all ties with them before I lose it and let them see how terrible I am.
- When I’m friends with someone they’re either my friends or my enemies. Some days I love them; some days I hate them.
- Friendships are too complicated.
- Friendships are too demanding and taxing.
- I am not good with people.
- I don’t make a very good friend. People are better off without me.
Taming the Anger Within October 3, 2007
Today is one of those beware-I-bite days. I feel uncomfortably touchy and edgy. At the slightest poke I could explode.
It takes considerable self-restraint not to give into the impulses to attack. There is so much tension in my limbs. I feel like a wild animal in captivity.
Let me out, says the anger. You’ll get me in trouble, I reply.
To be safe I keep my distance from people. I don’t have to work hard at that; I give off a cold and distant vibe without trying.
When I was still with my ex, I would lash out at him. He was an easy target; he seldom fought back. I’d even take it out on my cats, poor creatures. Such a terrible woman I am, preying upon the weak and the innocent. I’m so ashamed.
I’m trying to control myself. My mom now lives with me; she keeps an eye on me. I can’t bully her because she’s a tough one and won’t have anyone mess with her. I feel intimidated. I also don’t want her to discover my dark side; it’s best to keep it a secret.
And so in silence I must struggle. Anger is raging within, but I can’t let it bubble to the surface lest I be found out.
Invisible October 2, 2007
I ran away from my enemies and sought refuge here.
In the place where I come from, I felt scrutinized by those I knew in real life, those prying eyes who lurked beneath, invading my sanctuary. They made me feel exposed; they made me feel ashamed.
But the torment is over! I have escaped from their clutches and I’m free again!
Oh, how peaceful it feels to be invisible again.
FAQ #1: Comments December 9, 2007
Tags: Blogging, comments, criticism, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
Frequently Asked Question #1:
Q. Are you ever going to open comments?
A. Probably not, unless by some kind of miracle I am cured of my comment phobia and whatever is causing it. Believe it or not, but just the thought of the comment option being open keeps me up at night.
A more appropriate question would be why I am scared of comments.
These things bring about a whole array of unhealthy emotions I just don’t want to deal with (life is already stressful enough as it is, thank you), emotions like:
All in all, I think that allowing comments on my blog causes a lot more stress in my life than I can handle.