Lately I feel sexier and more beautiful than I’ve ever felt! People at work turn their heads to look at me. I can feel eyes lingering my way longer than usual. Men lose their composure when their eyes meet mine. And I don’t even wear suggestive clothing!
It’s not just that I’m looking better (and healthier!) than ever before, but most importantly I’m radiating with self-confidence. I now walk with my head up and a self-assured stride. Inside I’m proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. I was once a painfully shy, stuck-up girl. Today I’m a sexy and confident woman.
I am no longer afraid to look people in the eye. I smile a lot. What a difference it makes! I laugh, I joke around. I’m carefree and happy. I’m compassionate and kind to people. I listen more than I speak. I’m interested in what others have to say. I’m genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. The positive responses I’ve been getting from people as a result have been nothing short of beautiful. For the first time in my life I really do feel connected to people.
Not so long ago I used to feel like an outcast. I had trouble relating to others and felt out of touch with my fellow human beings. When I finally started letting go of my hangups and focusing on just being myself in their presence, I gradually discovered more and more common grounds with people, which eventually led to my being able to connect with them.
I stopped being so worried about what others thought of me. I stopped trying so hard to please them or be perfect. Instead I relaxed into the moment and learned to enjoy interacting with people. I shifted my focus from myself to them. When I interact with people now, I’m fully absorbing what they’re saying rather than being stuck in my own head, worrying and predicting, and completely missing the enjoyment of the interaction.
When you get out of your head, more exciting stuff happens! You find yourself saying and doing great things that you would normally not have said or done because you were too caught up in your endless toxic self debate. You no longer live in your head. You’re out there experiencing life to the fullest!
I love the attention my newfound confidence has brought me. People sort of gravitate towards you because you have this aura about you that is so appealing to them. And the beauty of it is, you’re not trying hard at all. That charisma, that charm, that appeal just oozes out of you in the most natural way. It’s who you are, not who you’re trying to be. I no longer have to go out there to “perform,” doing my best to be as charming as I can be. Thanks to my self-confidence, charm is already a part of me that doesn’t need to be summoned or created.
I feel like a truly genuine individual. I am real and sincere. I’m glowing with this inner energy that is radiating within me. I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to love my fellow human beings. And as a result I’ve learned to love life. And it sure shows!
Self Confidence Is Sexy January 16, 2009
Happily Single at 29 December 28, 2008
I’m 29 years old and I’m still single. There are days when I feel sorry for myself and I think I’ve wasted my twenties being in relationships I shouldn’t have been in the first place. But then I realize that these ‘failed’ relationships were part of my dating education. They’re an important part of my quest to find Mr. Right, but even more importantly, to find myself.
Today I am wiser and more mature when it comes to dating and life in general. Because I’ve learned from my past dating experiences, I am less likely to repeat the foolish mistakes I made when I was younger and more naive.
The attributes that I’m looking for in a man are also more rooted in reality than in fantasy. In my twenties I was looking for a knight in shining armor, a sweet, tall, handsome man making a good living who’d sweep me off my feet, take care of me and make me happy. These days I’m looking for something more substantial, not to mention realistic. I want someone who’s mature and responsible, balanced and happy, honest and genuine, considerate and kind. I would rather be with someone who shares my principles and ideals than someone who looks like he spends hours at the gym. I would rather be with someone whom I could see myself peacefully growing old with than someone who would ignite sparks that may not even last.
As I continue working towards a more confident, well-rounded self, I know I am taking closer steps to finding Mr. Right. By being healthy, I will attract healthy relationships. It all starts with me. When I learn to be happy on my own, to be confident in the person I am, to live life to the fullest without a man, the right man will find his way to my heart when I least expect it.
The most important realization is that I don’t need a man to be happy. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy. If I can’t be happy on my own, then I can’t possibly be happy with any man. As I mentioned in my last post, self-esteem comes from within and cannot be created from the outside.
I need to love myself first and foremost. Unlike what I had always believed, it’s not selfish to put myself first. When I truly know and believe in myself, I will follow through with what I feel is best for me. I will no longer feel the need to please or impress people, compare myself to my peers, or follow the dictates of society.
What do I truly want? What do I feel is best for me? No one else but me can answer these questions for me. I will listen to my own voice. When it comes from a source of inner peace, it is wise and true. When it comes from a place of turmoil and agitation, however, it is often irresponsible and misleading. I will know the difference and always strive to maintain the inner peace necessary to make the right decisions.
I don’t need marriage. I’m perfectly fine on my own. Desperation is what leads many women to jump into marriages that turn out to be unhappy. I refuse to marry (or date!) anyone out of desperation. Marriage is a lifelong commitment; I would be signing my own death warrant by marrying a man either out of desperation or fear of loneliness. And I will not waste more months of my life dating someone whom I know is not right for me simply because I’m too scared to be alone.
No, I would rather be on my own, living fully and happily. Starting tonight, I will stop worrying about the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone. The more I keep mulling over it, the less time I will have to enjoy life! And the less I enjoy life, the less likely I would be to have (or notice!) anyone falling in love with me. I will eliminate the time-wasting thought process completely and instead focus on building a happy, fulfilling existence on my own. Maybe the right man will come along or maybe he won’t. It doesn’t really matter, does it, if I’m perfectly happy by myself?
The New Me! December 20, 2008
My last post was five months ago. I’m not going to bother going over what I’ve been up to since July because I doubt anyone has waited around long enough for me to return from wherever I’ve been.
All I can is that I’ve changed. For the better! I feel, think and even act like a new person. I have therapy, but mostly hard work to thank for that. Of course that isn’t to say I’m ‘cured.’ The fact is there’s no such thing as a cure. As human beings we’re always evolving, learning, working to improve ourselves so that we feel good about ourselves and the world we live in. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that happiness is not a state to be achieved, but a continuous process, a journey through the ups and downs, the twists and turns.
For far too long I was passively waiting and hoping to reach happiness as if it were a sort of climax in which all the right circumstances aligned themselves into place. As it turns out happiness is actually within closer reach than I had imagined and expected it would be. It’s in the small moments, the now, the here. It’s in the smile someone returns when I smile at them, the deep breaths my lungs take, the rays of sunshine flooding a room, the laughter shared with people whose company I enjoy, and so many other little things I often overlooked for what I thought were the bigger, more important matters in life.
I thought a successful career, fulfilling love and financial comfort were the key ingredients to a happy existence. I thought if I achieved those things, I would finally be happy. The truth is I don’t need any of these ‘external’ things to be happy. As cliché as it sounds, happiness really does come from within.
I’ve worked very hard these past few months to make peace with myself and accept myself a bit more each day just as I am, flaws and all. Through persistent practice, I’ve learned to ‘drop’ and ride through every troubled feeling triggered by each and every disruptive thought, action or interpersonal interaction. By striving to maintain a fully relaxed physiological state regardless of what befalls, I have gradually acquired the ability to take life in stride and stay cool even under fire.
Today life no longer seems as stressful, demanding and unbearable. I’m better able to face the unpredictabilities that once used to throw me in shambles. I’m no longer afraid of the future because I am focused on feeling good in the present.
When I feel emotional disruption arising, I drop by focusing on getting my breathing and body completely relaxed so that any tension slowly melts away and I am able to think clearly again. I used to hold my breath when I was upset, sad or angry. My muscles would tense up and I would have trouble swallowing. My heart would either beat madly or be completely numb.
I still experience these symptoms every once in a while, but now that I am aware of them, I know to mitigate and even stop them when they arise. I’m not always successful. Having accumulated so many years of emotional baggage makes it difficult to get through every layer of hurt for each given drop. Some drops take a couple of minutes; others take a week. The more I drop, though, the quicker I am able to get through those layers. Each time the upsetting thought or situation occurs, I’m able to drop a little bit deeper, a little tiny bit faster.
For some instances, I’ve managed to get through all the layers and I can now drop through them almost instantly. The layers seem to get thinner as you keep dropping through them, drop after drop. It takes practice and persistence. It also takes a firm dedication to stomping the critical inner voice that works very hard to unravel your efforts.
I’ve come to realize that my critical voice is absolutely worthless; it thinks and speaks like it knows it all, yet all it speaks is slander. Touting its beliefs based for the most part on false premises and unfounded assumptions, it often sounds absurd! Why on earth would I continue listening to it?
I’m still working through the dropping. It’s a work in progress. There are so many things that still bring me turmoil that I haven’t yet managed to entirely drop through. But the beauty of this experience is that it all comes from me. No one, not my therapist nor the best self-help literature on the market, has been telling me what to say, think or do.
At the end of each drop, when my mind is absolutely clear and I’m perfectly calm, thoughts and ideas of my very own come to the surface. When I listen to these thoughts and ideas, which come from a place of inner peace, actions that exhibit self-esteem naturally follow. I’m not doing what anyone thinks I should do; I am doing what I want to do based on what only I know in my heart is best for me. I am listening to my true inner voice. I am making my own decisions without second guessing myself.
As a newly improved individual, I’m turning the page and starting a new chapter in this blog.
Is This What They Call A Can-Do Attitude? January 20, 2008
There is a God and right now I must be his favorite child because I was offered the job.
On Wednesday, I had an interview with the HR person. I was made to take a series of timed problem-solving tests and then I met the owner and manager of the small company who interviewed me as well. While I don’t think I did so hot on the tests, in both interviews I conducted myself in a poised, positive, and friendly manner and made a very good impression – the preparation paid off. I was asked to come back the next day for a group interview with the employees.
At the group interview, I found myself comfortably fielding questions from six women and asking questions of my own. Considering the circumstances and my long-standing fear of group situations, things went surprisingly well… So well in fact that the manager called me on Friday and extended the offer to hire me. (I’d like to thank Xanax for playing a BIG part in helping me get this job.)
So now I don’t just have a job, but the PERMANENT full-time job WITH BENEFITS that I had wanted so bad for so long. Goodbye staffing agencies! Goodbye temporary assignments! Goodbye contracts! Goodbye irregular, late, or bouncing paychecks! Goodbye uncertainty! Goodbye inconvenience!
And as if it weren’t enough blessings for one day, at my new job I won’t just be a mere administrative assistant; I will learn how to do accounting, payroll, and tax work! Since I know nothing about those things, I’ll be starting from stratch, but as time progresses, I will accrue more knowledge, more experience. This position, unlike any other that I would ever have considered applying for, will give me the opportunity to move forward into a more rewarding career than what I had imagined for myself.
I think this new year ushers in a time of change, a time to move beyond the self-sabotaging stagnant mediocrity I’ve imposed on myself for so long because I had so little confidence in myself and so little faith in what the future could bring. Taking on this job will be the first step to convincing myself that I can go beyond what I know I’m 100% capable of doing, that I have what it takes to do more challenging tasks than what I’m used to doing, and that I can succeed if I apply my enthusiasm and conscientiousness to my new responsibilities.
I’m scared of change. I’m scared of challenge. But I CAN DO THIS. I’ve never done it, but I can do it. I don’t know how to do it yet, but that’s okay because in this job I’m going to learn from the very beginning. I am like a baby who’s about to learn how to walk. After months and months of barely crawling, I’m finally standing up on my two feet. I’m ready to walk. I’m ready to move forward. And maybe one day I’m going to be able to run!
Called for First Interview Ever January 15, 2008
I have an interview… finally! My very first (official) interview ever. This one is for an administrative assistant position at an accounting/payroll company. I totally didn’t expect it to happen. I applied for the job last night while I was on a roll, mindlessly going through ads and applying for whatever I thought I might have a slight shot at. Who would have thought I’d be contacted?! Miracles do happen.
What a boost to the self-esteem! Not to mention a much needed picker-upper. For two days I was sick and miserable with a nasty sinus infection, which finally got better today after I somehow managed to get rid of the monstrous-looking mucous plug that was fiercely stuck somewhere between the back of my nose and the top of my throat. (I can thank my unemployed homebound time, and massive consumption of warm tea, for such a quick recovery.) Now that I’ve got a job interview on the agenda, I feel almost as good as new!
Time to get out of gelatinous time mode and get cranking! My ex has graciously agreed to do a mock phone interview with me tonight. But first I’ve got to draw up every potential interview question I can find online and prepare solid answers for them. By the end of it I should have a pretty mighty compilation of interview questions and answers. Then I’m going to practice and try to memorize everything until I’ve got the whole act to a perfect T, from words to facial expressions, pauses to intonations (think Tilda Swinton’s character in the movie Michael Clayton).
This is how I used to prepare for speeches in school. I actually gave some surprisingly compelling speeches as a result of all this intense preparation. I looked so confident speaking that no one watching me could have guessed I had social anxiety. Hard to imagine, now that I’ve become a complete recluse, but true.
I am not going to care if I don’t actually get this job. For one thing I’m not crazy about it; it’s really just another administrative job among many. And then this will be my first interview, so it’s alright if I don’t nail it the first time around. I am going to view this interview as a learning and practice opportunity, a research experiment to conduct trials and gather data. I have to think of it as a no-lose situation so that I don’t get disappointed if I fail to achieve the desired results.
Of course, for the experiment to actually happen, I will have to pop a Xanax pill one hour beforehand…
Food Diary #7 – Discipline Is Key November 22, 2007
I am feeling dreadfully guilty because I ate a little tube of M&Ms today while I was at the movie theater with my mother. My mom had this kid’s tray that came with soda, popcorn, and candy. Since she only wanted the soda and the popcorn, she gave me the candy and foolishly I accepted it. What a fool I was indeed.
Now that it’s somewhere in my belly, probably getting absorbed as fat, guilt is hanging over me like a millstone over my neck. Though I’ve already exercised this morning, I am half tempted to exercise again to burn the enemy down. Go away, you filth, get away from me!
How could I have been so stupid? Where was my discipline? Considering today is eat-your-heart-out day in this land of the fat I live in, I behaved surprisingly well at lunch. All I had was a moderate portion of turkey, green beans, grated carrots, and brown rice with just a square of dark chocolate for dessert.
So why, goddammit, did I have to eat these M&Ms? I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t need them. Every once in a while I don’t mind eating a couple of small scoops of slow churned ice cream. Eating candy, however, is big no-no for me, the worst offense, the ultimate sin. It just reminds me of the sugar addiction days of old when I had no self-control whatsoever, no discipline. I don’t want to go back to being that person anymore, that loser, that girl of no self-respect. I’ve worked too hard to get this far. I simply can’t let myself go again.
DISCIPLINE. That’s really all it takes to lose weight and keep it off. It’s not that difficult, but only a matter of setting down the law for yourself and following it NO MATTER WHAT. I mean, most of us have no trouble following the laws other people have set for us. Setting rules and laws for ourselves for our own self benefit should be a piece of cake next to that.
And let me tell you something. It is. When you put discipline first and foremost above all things, it’s really not that hard to say no to bad foods, bad habits, bad judgments. So why then did I not say no today? I thought what the heck, today’s a holiday. I thought this can’t hurt me, not just this one time, this small thing. But the truth of the matter is that it IS a big deal. I broke the law. My own law. And I deserve punishment.
The fairest punishment I can think of, other than to exercise harder tomorrow, is to eat a very small dinner to make up for those unnecessary calories. Only when I know that there are consequences to my actions will I be able to achieve and maintain discipline. Only when I have achieved discipline will I be a true master of myself. And that, my friends, is of quintessential importance to get that perfect body of my dreams.
Exercise Diary #7 – Let’s Keep Up The Good Work November 20, 2007
I certainly worked my back and shoulders today. When I extend my arms out to the side, I can feel a smooth lump between my neck and my shoulders. The curve feels beautiful and sensuous to the touch. Firm and sinewy yet still soft and delicate.
This is what I’d like my entire body to feel like one day.
Already I am excited to feel curves taking shape on my belly. Along the sides and middle of my upper midriff, gentle concaves have formed. Casting shadows on the wide expanse of flesh, these little nooks have added another visual dimension to what was only a month ago just a large shapeless piece of pudge.
The buckets of sweat I’ve shed in the last four weeks whipping my body into shape are slowly paying off. I swear it gets harder and harder to be tempted to feed your body crap again when you know you’ve just gone through hell just to get to this point. Am I a health nut/fitness freak yet? At the rate I’m going, I sure am on my way. But you know what? It feels and looks a zillion times better than being a couch potato/fat ass, so I really don’t care.
Exercise Diary #6 – I Must Exercise As Often and As Hard I Can November 12, 2007
I’ve been exercising practically every day in a very intense fashion. I have become so obsessed with exercise that it has become the center of my existence.
Is exercise replacing the void once filled by my ex, I wonder?
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I feel the need to exercise as often and as hard I can because …
A healthy diet is worthless without exercise
I’m terribly bored and don’t know what else to do
Exercise distracts me from my negative thoughts
Exercise makes me forget how lonely I am (while I’m doing it)
Exercise helps me think more clearly
Exercise gives me a much needed boost of energy
Exercise gives me the control and power to change the way I look
Exercise gives me a sense of purpose in life
I need a strong point of focus in my life to keep myself together
I need to feel PASSION about something
I need to give my entire body, heart, mind and soul to something in order to feel alive
I’m hurting inside and exercise makes me feel better afterwards
Pushing my body as far it will go makes me feel high
Riding on the high that comes with intense exercise makes me feel powerful
The soreness that comes the day after I exercise feels good
I (still) don’t like the way I look
I want faster, more immediate results
I am ready to sacrifice everything to achieve the dream body I desperately want
I want to show others that I can accomplish this
I can’t wait to impress people with my new super fit, super toned figure
I want to show to this girl I am jealous of (who hasn’t seen me for years) that I (still) look twice as good as she does (she used to be fat, but now she looks thin and fit)
If I don’t exercise I feel terribly guilty
If I don’t exercise I feel like a failure
If I don’t exercise I feel worthless and empty
If I don’t exercise all my efforts will have been in vain
If I don’t exercise those who know I’ve embarked on this mission will laugh at me for not following through with my plans and goals
And if I can’t succeed in accomplishing my goals, I’ll never be able to show my face again to people who knew me back when I was still thin and beautiful
The Quest for Beauty November 8, 2007
Six years ago, I was what people considered stunning. My looks (not to mention my dancing) made me popular in the dance circle I associated with. Back then I was young, I was thin, I was fit, I was beautiful, I was stylish, I was hip. Admired by many, I stood in the circle’s limelight and I loved every minute of it.
Fast forward to three years later when I began my gradual descent into fugliness and nothingness. I no longer belonged to a circle in which potential admirers were to be had; hence the need to impress was gone and with it went the motivation to look good. Feeling worthless, I sunk into a spiraling depression and stopped taking care of myself. Why bother, I thought? No one cares what I look like.
I couldn’t go back to the dancing circle because I had been away from it much too long. All this time my peers had been toiling away on their dancing. If I returned, I knew they would be at a far higher level of dancing than I was. I couldn’t take the humiliation associated with being of a lower status, so I never dared show my face to them again.
The more unattractive I became, the more difficult it was to look at myself in the mirror. It hurt to think back to the glory and the beauty of my lost youth. There I was at age 27, already old, fat, ugly, pathetic, and undesirable. I was both disgusted and angry with myself for reaching such lows, but I was too depressed and hopeless to dig myself out of my self-inflicted misery.
Last mid-August I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly three years. Though I spent a month grieving over him, I recovered relatively quickly. Then three weeks ago, out of the blue, I made the decision to turn my life around and get my looks back. I thought that if I were pretty again, maybe people would notice me and think that I was pretty. Determined to change the public opinion of me (with the hope that it would raise my self-esteem), I embarked on a quest to lose weight, get fit, and look my absolute best.
Since then I’ve made leaps and bounds. Much to my excitement, I look noticeably thinner and younger. Still I am not happy. There’s so much more to be done. Physical perfection (or close to it) must be attained for people to take notice. I’m not looking for a man; that is not the purpose of all this. I just want people to look at me and honestly think I’m beautiful – not cute as a button, but truly beautiful. And I want them to tell me so so that I may then go home, look at myself in the mirror, and say, “yes, indeed I am beautiful.”
Only then will my efforts not be in vain. Only then will I fully be satisfied.
