I’ve been meaning to write for some time now, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to put any of my thoughts into words (and really haven’t had the time for it).
I’ve been at my job for a little over a month now and as things stand I’m really hoping I’ll be fired. Though I haven’t gotten to the point of half assing the work yet, in less than a couple of weeks, my attitude has gone from friendly and motivated to apathetic and unenthusiastic. Call it evidence of self-sabotage, but it’s gotten pretty obvious I don’t care much about the job.
Not only can I not stand my boss, but now I can’t stand my coworkers either, which probably sounds stupid because a month ago when I first started the job, I had nothing but praise for them. I find it so frustrating and disappointing that once you actually get to know people, they can be so drastically unlike what you had hoped and imagined them to be.
I feel so drained. The tension that exists between my coworkers and me is becoming too much to bear. I can sense that they don’t think too well of me and I think they can sense I don’t think too well of them either. I feel so different from them, as if I came from another planet altogether. But I’m neither interested in being like them nor being friends with them. All I want to do is get out of there as soon as I can and run away as far as I can from them.
Maybe I’m like that with mankind in general. Maybe my expectations of people are unrealistically high. Maybe I am incapable of coexisting in harmony with other human beings, especially in tight-knit environments.
I wish they’d just fire me, get it over with. Clearly I’m not the kind of person they were looking for. They’re much better off without me.
Of course I’m not going to quit because that would make me a quitter – and I’ve done enough of that in my lifetime. No, I’d rather wait until they fire me. I’ll keep giving them a little help, though, by being a less than ideal employee, which isn’t very difficult since I truly am not the self-starting, motivated, energetic, outspoken, gregarious, and fun kind of employee they were hoping to get when they hired me. (Damn, I really fooled them at the interviews.)
Awaiting the Coup de Grace February 25, 2008
Some Reasons Why I Avoid Social Contact October 16, 2007
- I often don’t feel like talking because it takes too much effort.
- I think small-talk is a waste of time. I’d rather talk about the deep, intimate stuff immediately, but of course few people want to do that. They want to build a rapport first.
- In social situations, I have nothing smart, funny, or interesting to say. It’s best I say nothing or people will see how stupid and dull I am.
- When I do speak people often can’t hear me and ask me to repeat myself five hundred times. It’s both embarrassing and frustrating.
- I am a terrible person. I can’t let people to discover the ‘real’ me or they’ll reject me.
- I can’t stand rejection.
- I can’t stand criticism.
- Being around people sometimes makes me fantasize about physically hurting them. I don’t like having these thoughts; they’re too disturbing.
- I don’t belong. I am an outcast.
- I’d like to be with people who like the same things I do and feel the same way I do, but I can’t find these people so I’d rather be alone.
- I’m so used to doing a lot of things on my own that I don’t like doing much with other people.
- I only need people when I’m lonely.
- I need to feel a very special connection with someone in order to enjoy their company.
- I usually don’t feel any special connection with anyone except with whomever I’m dating at the moment.
- When I have a boyfriend I don’t feel the need to have any friends. He’s the center of my existence; he’s all I need.
- I am judgmental. I don’t like a lot of people.
- People are judgmental. I’m not a likeable person, therefore nobody likes me.
- I am too self-absorbed. I really don’t care about other people’s problems. I wish I could talk about myself all the time, but I can’t do that because then they’ll see how selfish I am. Hence I constantly have to put on an act and it’s tiring.
- Acting friendly, selfless, and understanding to show this good side of me to people not only is exhausting, but it makes me feel like a fraud.
- People bore me, especially when all they do is talk about themselves.
- I don’t enjoy the things people enjoy. I always seem to enjoy what other people don’t enjoy. I always seem not to want to conform.
- I am a party pooper. I hate it when people have a good time because I’m not having a good time.
- I am always envious of other people because they’re better, prettier, smarter, more popular etc. I avoid people to avoid feeling this terrifying envy which consumes me and makes me feel worthless.
- I’d rather be alone than to feel “stuck” with other people.
- Being with other people makes me feel like a prisoner. You have to abide by some social norms and I hate doing that.
- I also like my space. Social contact needs to happen on my own terms.
- People always ask for favors. I have to avoid being too close to people so they won’t ask me any favors. I can’t stand doing people favors.
- People are unreliable. When you need them, they’re not there for you. It’s best to rely only on yourself.
- When I’m friends with someone I tend to want them all to myself. I am jealous of their friends and perceive their spending too much time with other people as a personal rejection.
- When I’m friends with someone I feel as though I am constantly competing with them. It’s draining. I hate losing, but I always end up losing because I’m such a loser. It makes me feel worthless, so I have to sever all ties with them before I lose it and let them see how terrible I am.
- When I’m friends with someone they’re either my friends or my enemies. Some days I love them; some days I hate them.
- Friendships are too complicated.
- Friendships are too demanding and taxing.
- I am not good with people.
- I don’t make a very good friend. People are better off without me.
High School Meme October 11, 2007
This blog is turning out to be more of a mood journal than I expected, which is fine by me, but I thought I’d throw in a little meme for a change.
1. Who was your best friend? I had none.
2. What sports did you play? None.
3. What kind of car did you drive? I didn’t learn how to drive till I was 22.
4. It’s Friday night, where were you? In my room, possibly listening to sappy songs and daydreaming about love.
5. Were you a party animal? I didn’t go to a real party until I was in my early twenties.
6. Were you considered a flirt? No, I was considered very quiet, even mute for all I know.
7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? I was in the marching/pep band and in the orchestra for one musical, Annie. I played the flute.
8. Were you a nerd? Not really, just an outcast.
9. Did you get suspended/expelled? I almost got suspended for taking off during a school trip without telling the teachers where I was going. I wrote a heartfelt letter of apology and the teacher decided not to suspend me after all.
10. Can you sing the fight song? What’s that?
11. Who was your favorite teacher? Spanish teacher. I was the teacher’s pet.
12. Did you go to Prom? I went to senior prom, the one and only dance I ever attended in high school. It was really boring; I must have stayed only half an hour. And I didn’t even dance because no one would dance with me.
13. If you could go back and do it over, would you? I wouldn’t go back. I hated high school.
14. What do you remember most about graduation? I was sad because I knew I was never going see my crush again and because I didn’t know whether I’d be going to college or not.
15. Where were you on senior skip day? At school, not knowing there was such a day because no one ever told me anything.
16. Did you have a job your senior year? All through high school, I worked as a helper/housekeeper for this family we used to be neighbors with.
17. Where did you go most often for lunch? An empty classroom, usually by myself, where no one would find me.
18. What was your favorite class? Spanish. Without really trying, I was always the best student.
19. What did you do after graduation? I think I cried myself to sleep that night.
20. When did you graduate? 1997
21. Who was your Senior prom date? A ‘friend’ of mine who wasn’t much of a date because he spent most of his time ignoring me and talking to his friends.
22. What clubs/organizations did you belong to? International club, school band, National Honor Society
24. Did you go to your 10 year reunion? Nope and I wouldn’t have gone even if they had paid me to.
Why Am I Here? What Am I Doing? October 4, 2007
I am envious of other bloggers.
Many of them have friends; they belong to some kind of community; they enjoy open communication with their readers.
I’m a lonely blogger. A castaway on a deserted island. I have closed all links to civilization, shunned all human contact. I am alone because I can’t help pushing others away.
Other bloggers seem to have a purpose, a focus. They have something to speak of; they have something positive, useful, insightful, entertaining to share.
What do I have to share? Transient moods, shifting desires, flighty ideas, uncertain goals. I’m as confusing as I am confused, as exasperating as I am exasperated with myself.
From the inside of the bubble I isolate myself in, I watch them. That’s all I can do. I, the outsider, who will never be, could never be, one of them.
