In Control of My Destiny July 28, 2008

Why does uncertainty seem so terrifying? I can’t think of the future without an oppressive feeling of dread. Life is filled with so many surprises and unexpected turns. I need to be able to trace the exact course of my existence. The thought of not knowing what is going to happen is too unbearable.
 
A few years ago I made a vow with myself to take my own life at some point or another. For me it’s like looking into a crystal ball and being able to see what the future holds. I know the ending to my story before it’s happened. Thinking about it gives me a sense of mastery over my existence.
 
To most people it’ll seem like a lame and pathetic ambition. The act of ending your life so that you can be in control of your destiny is a very selfish, heartless thing to do. But as someone with OCPD, I think it’s rational. To me it makes perfect sense. I wouldn’t take my life on an impulse to end my pain or seek revenge on anyone –though I must admit I have been tempted to. No, my life’s ultimate pursuit is to be in control. By being able to end my life whenever I so choose, I feel as though I can achieve that goal. We’re all mere mortals and we’re all going to die anyway. Barring any life-taking accidents or sudden illnesses, I’d like to decide when I die and how I die.
 
Whenever I’m ready to go, I want to be able to just go. Dying fulfilled means dying knowing that I was able to control my destiny.

Perfectionism Is A Disease July 27, 2008

My perfectionism seems to work three ways:

1. I set unreasonably high standards for myself.
2. I set unreasonably high standards for other people.
3. I believe others have extremely high standards for me.

Hence I am constantly judging myself, judging others, and thinking about how others are judging me.
 
Nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing a significant other does is ever good enough. Because I am an exacting and unforgiving judge, we’re doomed from the start. No matter how hard we tried, we could never achieve the unrealistic standards of perfection that I demand.
 
When you’re so used to judging yourself and others so stringently, you become convinced that this is the way the world operates. In my mind others are just as demanding as I am, and I feel considerable pressure from them to surpass their expectations. They’re watching me, evaluating me and expecting the world of me. I fear they will lose respect for me if I fail them, so I push myself relentlessly to avoid humiliation and gain their approval.
 
But often the pressure from both within and outside gets to be so overwhelming that I feel as if I can’t keep on going. I’m easily burned out. Easily disappointed. Being a perfectionist takes a toll on you. So many failures, yet so few successes, if any. Each failure is a massive blow to the self-esteem, bringing you closer to hopelessness and despair. You work hard, but you achieve nothing. You’re just madly going around in circles in a pointless and miserable process.
 
Perfectionism is a vicious disease. It eats you. Poisons you. Confines you. Defeats you. I can’t tell you how badly I want to break free. Every second of my existence I can see it working in action, preventing me from achieving my true potential, alienating me from the people I love, draining the energy out of me and destroying my will to continue living in this world.
 
Whenever I take actions to curb the disease, it’s there, laughing in my face as it screams “I am you! You can never get past me! Whatever you do, it will be MY doing!” Whenever I try to do the right thing, it always turns out to be the wrong thing. I can’t seem to be able to run away from perfectionism. Whatever I do –every word I utter, every action I take, every thought I have– seems to fueled by the disease.
 
So I’ve decided to go back to therapy. Now that I have a real job with health insurance, I have no excuse. I want to get better. I want to fight this sickness. And at this point I really see no other way.

Always Too Much July 14, 2008

Boy have I seriously neglected this blog.
 
It’d take too long to explain where I’ve been or what I’ve done since May 3. Other than having a real job with benefits and a busy social calendar, my life actually isn’t all that different from what it was two months ago. I’m still obsessive. Still lonely. Still unhappy. And yes, I’m still good at whining.
 
After being rejected by a man I was obsessively pining for, I took up organizing meet^ups (local social networking events) as a hobby. It became a sort of outlet for my obsessive-compulsive tendencies, a way to channel my overzealous energies into something productive.
 
Naturally instead of deriving pleasure from the experience as other organizers do, I’ve obsessed over the whole thing a bit much, bringing upon myself more stress than is necessary. I know I’m the only one to blame for that. I’ve always had a knack for making things more difficult than they really are. I always want too much, do too much, push too much, worry too much.
 
Only a month into it and I’m already reaching the burnout stage. I’m sick of organizing meet^ups. It’s gotten to be too much. Unless I calm the fuck down and take it EASY, I doubt I could keep it going much longer. Sadly that goes for everything in my life. Work, relationships, blogging, trifles… You name it I obsess over it.
 
Unless I learn to chill out and stop taking everything so seriously, unless I learn not to make a MONUMENTAL deal out of everything, unless I learn to accept anything less than perfect, unless I learn to give myself a pat on the back for the good that I do and forgive myself for the not so good I do, unless I learn to loosen the grasp on every aspect of my life I am so fiercely adamant on exercising control over, then happiness will continue eluding me.

Awaiting the Coup de Grace February 25, 2008

I’ve been meaning to write for some time now, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to put any of my thoughts into words (and really haven’t had the time for it).
 
I’ve been at my job for a little over a month now and as things stand I’m really hoping I’ll be fired. Though I haven’t gotten to the point of half assing the work yet, in less than a couple of weeks, my attitude has gone from friendly and motivated to apathetic and unenthusiastic. Call it evidence of self-sabotage, but it’s gotten pretty obvious I don’t care much about the job.
 
Not only can I not stand my boss, but now I can’t stand my coworkers either, which probably sounds stupid because a month ago when I first started the job, I had nothing but praise for them. I find it so frustrating and disappointing that once you actually get to know people, they can be so drastically unlike what you had hoped and imagined them to be. 
 
I feel so drained. The tension that exists between my coworkers and me is becoming too much to bear. I can sense that they don’t think too well of me and I think they can sense I don’t think too well of them either. I feel so different from them, as if I came from another planet altogether. But I’m neither interested in being like them nor being friends with them. All I want to do is get out of there as soon as I can and run away as far as I can from them.
 
Maybe I’m like that with mankind in general. Maybe my expectations of people are unrealistically high. Maybe I am incapable of coexisting in harmony with other human beings, especially in tight-knit environments.  
 
I wish they’d just fire me, get it over with. Clearly I’m not the kind of person they were looking for. They’re much better off without me.
 
Of course I’m not going to quit because that would make me a quitter – and I’ve done enough of that in my lifetime. No, I’d rather wait until they fire me. I’ll keep giving them a little help, though, by being a less than ideal employee, which isn’t very difficult since I truly am not the self-starting, motivated, energetic, outspoken, gregarious, and fun kind of employee they were hoping to get when they hired me. (Damn, I really fooled them at the interviews.)

Wherever I Go These Things Must Follow February 5, 2008

♦ My glasses – I can’t see far. And my allergy-prone eyes don’t seem to like contacts.
 
♦ Calendars – I’ve got one in my kitchen, one in my bedroom, and one in my bathroom. I have to know what day it is today, what day it will be next week, and what day it will be in one month even when I’m brushing my teeth. It’s fundamental to my sanity.
 
♦ Watch / clocks - My life runs on a schedule, so knowing the time at all times is very important. I feel lost when I don’t know what time it is. I have three (nearly identical) watches that I can use plus one stop watch, and of course, my cell phone. At home I keep one clock in every room.
 
♦ Calculator – I can’t count mentally and I don’t have enough fingers on my hand. I get really frustrated when I have to calculate something (e.g., tip) and don’t have a calculator handy. Thank goodness my cell phone has a calculator (and tip!) function.
 
♦ My cell phone – Not for the phone feature – hardly anyone calls me and I hardly call anyone, but for its portable clock, calendar, calculator functions. Very convenient to have one tool to fulfill so many of my most basic needs.
 
♦ Internet – I feel stranded when I’m offline. The internet helps me stay connected with the rest of the world. And it lets me check the weather at any moment of the day/night in any location of the world, if I so need it. 
 
♦ Chapstick – It seems that the more I use it, the more I need to use it. I don’t know what they put in it, but I’m hooked for life. I need at least two tubes of the stuff to feel peace of mind.
 
♦ Ear plugs – I can’t get a wink of sleep without them. All the noise must be blocked out for me to be able to fall asleep. (It used to be that I also needed an eye mask to sleep, but I had to learn to get over wearing it once I discovered that it was exacerbating my acne/rosacea symptoms.)
 
♦ Notepad/notebook (preferably attractive-looking and college-ruled) & a black rollerball or gel pen – To write lists, important reminders, notes, and random thoughts. The pretty notebook and rollerball/gel pen are to incite pleasure and delight.  
 
♦ Nivea – The thick white cream is the only thing that can make my dry, ashy hands feel smooth. And somehow it also gives me a cool, then warm, soothing feeling when I lather it on. I love the tiny trial-size tins. They’re soooo cute and they fit in my pocket, so I can carry them everywhere! 
 
♦ iPod – What would life be without music? (Dry.) Music breathes soul into life. I can’t imagine exercising without music, dancing without music, or just living without music.

Help, My Boss May Be OCPD, too! January 31, 2008

I call her the matron mother. Friendly on the surface, but fiercely stern and controlling at the core. 
 
As an OCPD person myself, I like rules, but somehow when she makes them, I find myself seething with passive-aggressive rage.
 
Examples of work rules I could do without:

• Thou shalt not eat at your desk and store food anywhere but in the kitchen
• Thou shalt not use touch your cell phone at all except before 8 a.m., during your 30-minute lunch break, and after 5:30 p.m. This includes not glancing at it even if only for a nano second or keeping it anywhere within sight. (Should this rule be broken, a new rule will have to go into effect in which all cell phones will have to be placed in a big black box upon entering the premises.)
• Thou shalt not make or receive any personal calls on company phones
• Thou shalt not use the internet for personal use (including email)
• Thou shalt clear your desk at the end of each work day (or Matron Mother will get on your case non-stop until you clear it)
• Thou shalt clean/dust your desk every Friday with Windex and a duster
• Thou shalt write with green pen only
• Thou shalt not bring smelly foods to work (i.e., fish and blue cheese are out)
• Thou shalt write a to-do list for each work day and share it with your boss and coworkers at every morning meeting, supposedly so that “everyone” knows what you’re going to be doing all day
• Thou shalt not take any vacation until you’ve been employed at least one year
• If though shalt take more than 4 hours of sick/personal leave per day thou shalt not be paid for the time off 
• Thou shalt work 45 hours a week, from 8:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. and always arrive and leave ON TIME
• Thou shalt come to work even if case of floods, blizzards, earthquakes, and other natural disasters
• Thou shalt not have an attitude with verbally abusive customers unless you’re the boss (in which case you can – be as mean as need be and even hang up the phone in their face)

Rules that are not officially written, but might as well…

• When you’re at work, no life exists outside of the office walls. You are the company’s hostage
• You’d better leave everything in the office in its proper place and do everything exactly as is expected or ocpd boss will freak (the f*ck) out and give you a hard time
• Keep busy at all times; you never know when the boss is going to be standing right behind you, checking up on you
• When boss pays you one of her frequent surprise visits, you’d better be doing something useful and be able to convince her of your usefulness
• Forget you need to pee or hold it in as long as possible. Makes you look more hard-working.
• Gobble down your snacks as fast as you can – before boss starts to wonder what you’re up to and finds the need to come up with a rule to limit snack time.
• Don’t be surprised when new rules are created. You can’t expect to have fun in prison.
• Don’t try to hide anything under your desk – boss will go through your stuff and find it (that’s how she found my snacks and passed the no-eating-at-your-desk regulation)
• It’s okay to be a neat/organized freak. In fact it earns you brownie points.
• The boss’ word is law. Don’t EVER break it. Or she’ll pass more laws to make sure the original law is enforced.
• Company outings/trips are not optional (even if boss may claim they are)
• Do not mistake your boss’ friendliness for leniency. Leniency doesn’t exist as long as she’s around.

The woman is driving me crazy. Just two weeks on the job and I’ve already been looking at ads for payroll/accounting positions I might – finally - be qualified for in 1? 2? years when I get out of this prison ward. I guess all will depend on how long I can stand living under Matron Mother’s autocratic rule. Bleh.

Is This What They Call A Can-Do Attitude? January 20, 2008

There is a God and right now I must be his favorite child because I was offered the job. 
 
On Wednesday, I had an interview with the HR person. I was made to take a series of timed problem-solving tests and then I met the owner and manager of the small company who interviewed me as well. While I don’t think I did so hot on the tests, in both interviews I conducted myself in a poised, positive, and friendly manner and made a very good impression – the preparation paid off. I was asked to come back the next day for a group interview with the employees.
 
At the group interview, I found myself comfortably fielding questions from six women and asking questions of my own. Considering the circumstances and my long-standing fear of group situations, things went surprisingly well… So well in fact that the manager called me on Friday and extended the offer to hire me. (I’d like to thank Xanax for playing a BIG part in helping me get this job.)
 
So now I don’t just have a job, but the PERMANENT full-time job WITH BENEFITS that I had wanted so bad for so long. Goodbye staffing agencies! Goodbye temporary assignments! Goodbye contracts! Goodbye irregular, late, or bouncing paychecks! Goodbye uncertainty! Goodbye inconvenience! 
 
And as if it weren’t enough blessings for one day, at my new job I won’t just be a mere administrative assistant; I will learn how to do accounting, payroll, and tax work! Since I know nothing about those things, I’ll be starting from stratch, but as time progresses, I will accrue more knowledge, more experience. This position, unlike any other that I would ever have considered applying for, will give me the opportunity to move forward into a more rewarding career than what I had imagined for myself.
 
I think this new year ushers in a time of change, a time to move beyond the self-sabotaging stagnant mediocrity I’ve imposed on myself for so long because I had so little confidence in myself and so little faith in what the future could bring. Taking on this job will be the first step to convincing myself that I can go beyond what I know I’m 100% capable of doing, that I have what it takes to do more challenging tasks than what I’m used to doing, and that I can succeed if I apply my enthusiasm and conscientiousness to my new responsibilities.
 
I’m scared of change. I’m scared of challenge. But I CAN DO THIS. I’ve never done it, but I can do it. I don’t know how to do it yet, but that’s okay because in this job I’m going to learn from the very beginning. I am like a baby who’s about to learn how to walk. After months and months of barely crawling, I’m finally standing up on my two feet. I’m ready to walk. I’m ready to move forward. And maybe one day I’m going to be able to run!

Called for First Interview Ever January 15, 2008

I have an interview… finally! My very first (official) interview ever. This one is for an administrative assistant position at an accounting/payroll company. I totally didn’t expect it to happen. I applied for the job last night while I was on a roll, mindlessly going through ads and applying for whatever I thought I might have a slight shot at. Who would have thought I’d be contacted?! Miracles do happen. 
 
What a boost to the self-esteem! Not to mention a much needed picker-upper. For two days I was sick and miserable with a nasty sinus infection, which finally got better today after I somehow managed to get rid of the monstrous-looking mucous plug that was fiercely stuck somewhere between the back of my nose and the top of my throat. (I can thank my unemployed homebound time, and massive consumption of warm tea, for such a quick recovery.) Now that I’ve got a job interview on the agenda, I feel almost as good as new!
 
Time to get out of gelatinous time mode and get cranking! My ex has graciously agreed to do a mock phone interview with me tonight. But first I’ve got to draw up every potential interview question I can find online and prepare solid answers for them. By the end of it I should have a pretty mighty compilation of interview questions and answers. Then I’m going to practice and try to memorize everything until I’ve got the whole act to a perfect T, from words to facial expressions, pauses to intonations (think Tilda Swinton’s character in the movie Michael Clayton).
 
This is how I used to prepare for speeches in school. I actually gave some surprisingly compelling speeches as a result of all this intense preparation. I looked so confident speaking that no one watching me could have guessed I had social anxiety. Hard to imagine, now that I’ve become a complete recluse, but true.
 
I am not going to care if I don’t actually get this job. For one thing I’m not crazy about it; it’s really just another administrative job among many. And then this will be my first interview, so it’s alright if I don’t nail it the first time around. I am going to view this interview as a learning and practice opportunity, a research experiment to conduct trials and gather data. I have to think of it as a no-lose situation so that I don’t get disappointed if I fail to achieve the desired results.
 
Of course, for the experiment to actually happen, I will have to pop a Xanax pill one hour beforehand…

Unemployed January 10, 2008

Well, I quit the nightmare customer service-oriented job after just one day on it. The decision brought me HUGE relief, but it’s also left me unemployed, which in turn has made me feel pretty shitty (i.e., depressed). 
 
The uncertainty of the future has been overwhelming. I can’t bear not knowing when my next paycheck will come. I can’t bear the possibility that all the hard work I spent making sure my finances were in order may unravel sooner or later. I feel like a bomb is ticking and it’s only a matter of time before I lose control over everything.
 
I feel so powerless, so worthless. The world keeps on turning, life keeps on going, yet I feel so hopelessly unprepared for it. I desperately wish I could stop time or bring it back so I could get everything together just right before it started running again. 
 
Every day I apply for jobs and no one ever bothers to reply. My self-esteem takes a hit each day that goes by without an answer. I know I’m incompetent, but this total lack of response makes me feel ten times more incompetent. What a way to remind me of the waste of 28 years.
 
I anxiously wait for the phone to ring. My temp agencies are most likely my only hope of ever finding a job. And they are the only ones who can give me short-term assignments, which will help buy me more time. My whole life depends on them.
 
During this period of purgatory waiting, I organize my apartment to keep myself distracted and give myself some semblance of control. While I can’t directly affect the outcome of my job search, I can improve the appearance of my closets and the efficiency with which I can find things in them. Of course, there’s also the other, less practical, alternative, which has become more inviting as of late: to stay in bed all day, aimlessly mulling over my desire to cease to live this hopeless failure of an existence.

Goodbye, Good Old Job January 4, 2008

Today has been emotional. It was my last day on the job. I worked there for over 3 years and although I hated it almost the whole time, I miss it now – and it hasn’t even been 6 hours since I locked my little office for the very last time.
 
I’m going to miss my office, my own private space. I’m going to miss spending hours on the computer, on the internet specifically, checking up on my bank accounts and my credit card balances, hitting the reload button every five minutes to see if any new emails have come, reading useless, random stuff… I’m going to miss the independence, doing my own thing, working with little guidance, having the office to myself most of the time. I’m going to miss my boss. He was by far the BEST boss ever and I know I am NEVER going to be lucky to get another boss as great as he was.
 
Oh, I really had it good at my old job. I was really comfortable with what I was doing. I felt like I was in my element – on my own mostly, no pressure, few deadlines, just taking it easy. Every week I had a day off, Mondays usually. For the amount of work I did, the pay was decent. Save for the long, oppressive bouts of boredom, which drove me insane (and sometimes even triggered suicidal impulses), it was pretty much paradise at work.
 
Now it’s all over and I can’t believe I took it all for granted. I can’t believe I whined so much about how bored and miserable I was with it. On Tuesday I’m starting another job, a temp-to-perm one this time, with an American company (I was blessed to have worked at a European organization), and I can already see how drastically different things are going to be. I’ll have to be at work every single day, 1 1/2 hours earlier and ON TIME, for longer hours, and I will actually be BUSY, running around doing all kinds of things, I imagine, rather than quietly, comfortably sitting at my computer all day long waiting for time to pass. I can say goodbye to dallying around on the internet or on the phone, sneaking out of work early to go to the movies, or enjoying a siesta while the boss is away. I will finally know the meaning of work as those bloody workaholic Americans know it. (Will somebody, something, a hate mail, a snow storm, a non-functioning traffic light, an accidental lethal combination of vitamins and allergy pills pleeeeeease kill me before Tuesday?)
 
I’m dreadfully scared. And sad, too. I don’t like change. I want my good old job back. I need security, familiarity. I’m going to this new job, which I really don’t know much about, and I’m so terrified at the prospect of being around new people, doing new, challenging things, and having no place there to hide or find comfort. At the new job I will have to deal with people, something which dead people are probably better at than I am. The new boss will most likely not be as cool, laid-back, patient, and understanding as my old one. Sooner or later everyone will realize they made a big booboo in picking me. 
 
I don’t know why they did that. What a grave mistake. Did I do that well on the phone interview yesterday that they didn’t think anyone else fared better than I had? I find that impossible to believe. I shouldn’t have taken that Xanax one hour before the interview. I shouldn’t have been that relaxed, that friendly, that unusually verbally articulate. Who the hell was speaking on the phone? For Christ’s sake, I am a socially anxious, stuck up, awkward, reticent wallflower. I am not cut out to be an executive assistant in a customer-service oriented environment. I belong in a hole. This cannot be real. 
 
I shouldn’t have prepared interview questions and answers in advance and consulted them as I spoke to the interviewer. I shouldn’t have had my resume, my current job description, and everything relevant to my current position all laid out in front of me either. It’s all a cheat. A fraud. A big scam. A HUGE mistake. And it will all blow up sooner or later.
 
I should have failed; that’s what I am used to. That’s what I do best. Success is so foreign to me. I’m a failure. Where did this sudden, unexpected burst of success come from? What did I do to deserve it? I expected to go days, weeks without a job. This is so terrifyingly bizarre that I would have something lined up so soon.
 
If I somehow convince myself not to listen to the voices that are telling me as we speak not to show up at my new job on Tuesday, I am certain the people there will quickly realize I’m not the right person for the job. I’m ready for it, crossing my fingers for it, but what a humiliation it will be to show up there and disappoint like that. I so hate disappointing people; it disappoints me tenfold.
 
I wish I could turn back time and make sure this never happened. All I’d like to do right now, other than bawl my eyes out in panic, is to crawl into a tree hole and hide there for milleniums until this has all passed and my memory, and the memories of all the people involved, have been wiped clean of every trace of this unfortunate occurrence.
 
Am I out of my mind for not congratulating myself at having been accepted for a job, for not being thrilled at the idea of getting a paycheck soon, for wishing I had failed? How can one possibly be in a celebratory mood under the circumstances? I feel like the end of the world has come and Judgment Day will be here on Tuesday and I will fail and I will be punished and I will go to hell and I … could go on and on in that doomsday trajectory because I don’t know what else to do so I’ll just shut up and pray for the worst…