I’m 29 years old and I’m still single. There are days when I feel sorry for myself and I think I’ve wasted my twenties being in relationships I shouldn’t have been in the first place. But then I realize that these ‘failed’ relationships were part of my dating education. They’re an important part of my quest to find Mr. Right, but even more importantly, to find myself.
Today I am wiser and more mature when it comes to dating and life in general. Because I’ve learned from my past dating experiences, I am less likely to repeat the foolish mistakes I made when I was younger and more naive.
The attributes that I’m looking for in a man are also more rooted in reality than in fantasy. In my twenties I was looking for a knight in shining armor, a sweet, tall, handsome man making a good living who’d sweep me off my feet, take care of me and make me happy. These days I’m looking for something more substantial, not to mention realistic. I want someone who’s mature and responsible, balanced and happy, honest and genuine, considerate and kind. I would rather be with someone who shares my principles and ideals than someone who looks like he spends hours at the gym. I would rather be with someone whom I could see myself peacefully growing old with than someone who would ignite sparks that may not even last.
As I continue working towards a more confident, well-rounded self, I know I am taking closer steps to finding Mr. Right. By being healthy, I will attract healthy relationships. It all starts with me. When I learn to be happy on my own, to be confident in the person I am, to live life to the fullest without a man, the right man will find his way to my heart when I least expect it.
The most important realization is that I don’t need a man to be happy. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy. If I can’t be happy on my own, then I can’t possibly be happy with any man. As I mentioned in my last post, self-esteem comes from within and cannot be created from the outside.
I need to love myself first and foremost. Unlike what I had always believed, it’s not selfish to put myself first. When I truly know and believe in myself, I will follow through with what I feel is best for me. I will no longer feel the need to please or impress people, compare myself to my peers, or follow the dictates of society.
What do I truly want? What do I feel is best for me? No one else but me can answer these questions for me. I will listen to my own voice. When it comes from a source of inner peace, it is wise and true. When it comes from a place of turmoil and agitation, however, it is often irresponsible and misleading. I will know the difference and always strive to maintain the inner peace necessary to make the right decisions.
I don’t need marriage. I’m perfectly fine on my own. Desperation is what leads many women to jump into marriages that turn out to be unhappy. I refuse to marry (or date!) anyone out of desperation. Marriage is a lifelong commitment; I would be signing my own death warrant by marrying a man either out of desperation or fear of loneliness. And I will not waste more months of my life dating someone whom I know is not right for me simply because I’m too scared to be alone.
No, I would rather be on my own, living fully and happily. Starting tonight, I will stop worrying about the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone. The more I keep mulling over it, the less time I will have to enjoy life! And the less I enjoy life, the less likely I would be to have (or notice!) anyone falling in love with me. I will eliminate the time-wasting thought process completely and instead focus on building a happy, fulfilling existence on my own. Maybe the right man will come along or maybe he won’t. It doesn’t really matter, does it, if I’m perfectly happy by myself?
Happily Single at 29 December 28, 2008
Exercise Diary #6 – I Must Exercise As Often and As Hard I Can November 12, 2007
I’ve been exercising practically every day in a very intense fashion. I have become so obsessed with exercise that it has become the center of my existence.
Is exercise replacing the void once filled by my ex, I wonder?
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I feel the need to exercise as often and as hard I can because …
A healthy diet is worthless without exercise
I’m terribly bored and don’t know what else to do
Exercise distracts me from my negative thoughts
Exercise makes me forget how lonely I am (while I’m doing it)
Exercise helps me think more clearly
Exercise gives me a much needed boost of energy
Exercise gives me the control and power to change the way I look
Exercise gives me a sense of purpose in life
I need a strong point of focus in my life to keep myself together
I need to feel PASSION about something
I need to give my entire body, heart, mind and soul to something in order to feel alive
I’m hurting inside and exercise makes me feel better afterwards
Pushing my body as far it will go makes me feel high
Riding on the high that comes with intense exercise makes me feel powerful
The soreness that comes the day after I exercise feels good
I (still) don’t like the way I look
I want faster, more immediate results
I am ready to sacrifice everything to achieve the dream body I desperately want
I want to show others that I can accomplish this
I can’t wait to impress people with my new super fit, super toned figure
I want to show to this girl I am jealous of (who hasn’t seen me for years) that I (still) look twice as good as she does (she used to be fat, but now she looks thin and fit)
If I don’t exercise I feel terribly guilty
If I don’t exercise I feel like a failure
If I don’t exercise I feel worthless and empty
If I don’t exercise all my efforts will have been in vain
If I don’t exercise those who know I’ve embarked on this mission will laugh at me for not following through with my plans and goals
And if I can’t succeed in accomplishing my goals, I’ll never be able to show my face again to people who knew me back when I was still thin and beautiful
Undateable October 30, 2007
When I talk to people who are happily married, engaged, or involved with a special someone, I can’t help but feel sad because I secretly know I will never experience any of this. I work very hard to get used to the idea of spending the rest of my life alone, yet when I look around and see so many people in love, I am reminded of what I can’t have and it hurts.
Sometimes I wish I were normal so that I could find (and keep) love. It would be wonderful to fall in love again. Why do I have to ruin every relationship I’m in? Why can’t I keep myself from being so needy, demanding, and difficult? I behave much better on my own. It is only when a man comes into the picture, a boyfriend to be exact, that I turn into a real pain in the ass.
What is it about having a boyfriend that makes me feel like I am entitled to make his life unbearable? I really don’t mean to hurt anyone. God knows I tried very hard to behave in my last relationship.
I’m better off alone. Men are better off without me. I know this. Every day I tell myself so. And I am doing the best I can to accept it. But it’s easier said than done. There are times when I think I can manage on my own and then there are times when I can’t bear to be so lonely. Damn this neediness.
I am better off alone, for my sake and other people’s sake. I should tattoo this statement on my forearm as a self-reminder and on my forehead as a warning to others, and wear a T-shirt that says, “I Bite – Run, Do Not Just Walk to the Nearest Exit.”
Morning Despair October 9, 2007
Every morning before the crack of dawn, well before I am due to rise, I wake up with a sharp pang of loneliness, dread, and despair. The pain is deep and searing. It will not allow me to go back to sleep.
It’s futile to try to get rid of it, for it has a mind of its own. Sometimes it goes away within a few minutes and comes back when I wake up again; sometimes it stays until it is time for me to get up.
Why Am I Here? What Am I Doing? October 4, 2007
I am envious of other bloggers.
Many of them have friends; they belong to some kind of community; they enjoy open communication with their readers.
I’m a lonely blogger. A castaway on a deserted island. I have closed all links to civilization, shunned all human contact. I am alone because I can’t help pushing others away.
Other bloggers seem to have a purpose, a focus. They have something to speak of; they have something positive, useful, insightful, entertaining to share.
What do I have to share? Transient moods, shifting desires, flighty ideas, uncertain goals. I’m as confusing as I am confused, as exasperating as I am exasperated with myself.
From the inside of the bubble I isolate myself in, I watch them. That’s all I can do. I, the outsider, who will never be, could never be, one of them.
