Reasons Why No One Should Ever Date Me October 31, 2007

I’m consumed by jealousy – Every woman in my boyfriend’s life is a threat. I freak out every time I see an attractive female on his MySpace/Facebook list of friends. I am boiling with anger when he goes out for a meal with a female friend or coworker. I also can’t stand when he spends too much time with his friends or with his family. It makes me feel like he’d rather be with them than with me. It makes me feel worthless. Basically I want my boyfriend all to myself and I’m fiercely jealous of anyone who may get in the way of that.
  
I play the detective – I ask thorough questions on everything he’s done, everything he thinks about, everything he’s talked about with someone else, and everything he plans to do. I conduct thorough internet search on him to dig up any old information. I also snoop around his home and personal belongings for clues that he might be hiding something from me. When I find something that might be incriminating or when I find something he’s not told me about, I confront him. No matter what he does, he loses.
  
I have no life outside of my boyfriend - He is the center of my existence, my reason for living. Without him I am nothing. I have no friends; I don’t need any if I have a him. He serves every purpose.
  
I smother him - I want to know what my boyfriend is doing at all times. I think that if he loves me, he should be in touch with me all the time. I have to call him, email him, text him incessantly to remind myself of his presence. If he won’t answer, I’ll flip. I’ll imagine all sorts of bad things and then the next time I’ll talk to him I’ll get very angry at him for letting me down.
  
I can’t stand being smothered – Although I will smother him, I can’t tolerate it if he smothers me. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe, like I can’t be myself, like I can’t do what I want. To me it’s also a sign of neediness and I can’t tolerate it when people need me. I want people to give, but I don’t want to give much. Hence, I will try to keep my distance and may eventually lose interest if I’m faced with too much intimacy, too much attention, too much time spent together etc.
  
I am a control freak – I need to be in control of my relationship since I cannot control my emotions well. I set the rules. My boyfriend must do everything I say and get along with everything I suggest. If he doesn’t, I will make him feel guilty for letting me down and I will manipulate him so that in the end he does as I say. And if he still doesn’t, I will get very upset.
  
I can be stingy with my affection  – I want him to shower me with affection and I will do the same to him if all’s well. However, when I don’t get what I want, I will hold back sex, affection, and even love to show him how much he’s hurt me.
  
 I can be mean and sadistic - When he’s about to go out with his family and friends, I’ll start putting them down and will sometimes go so far as to insult them to get a reaction out of him. We will get into an argument, then I will cry and apologize with the hope that maybe he’ll change his mind about leaving me alone. If he still ends up going to hang out with his friends/family, I will make him feel so miserable that he will not have a good time with them. I can’t stand it when he doesn’t do as I say. I can’t stand it when he has a good time without me. If I’m suffering he should suffer, too.
  
I hate his friends – To me they’re all enemies. They’re there to come in between me and my man. More than anything else I am afraid they will take him away from me. I also think they all despise me because I’m such a looney loser. I hate how they make me see my weaknesses and my worthlessness. I’m envious of them. I wish I could be like them, but I can’t. I avoid them at all costs and I do everything I can to keep my boyfriend away from them, too.
  
I am needy – I need a man to love me, reassure me, and console me. I need him to hold me when I’m lonely. I need him to call me so that I know he cares. I need him to listen to me when I need to rant. I need him to tell me how wonderful I am. I need him to try to understand me even if I know he can’t. I need him to help me cope with life. I need him to always be there for me, on call 24/7, 365 days a year at the drop of a hat. To me that is true love.
 
I am stubborn and inflexible – I’m a pain in the ass to argue with. I’m set in stone in my own ways. It’s always my way or the highway. Compromises are very hard to reach. I won’t try new things even with a lot of coaxing and begging. I don’t like surprises. I have to stick with the rules, the routines at the expense of having fun. I can be too serious. I don’t tolerate mistakes. I don’t tolerate lying, hiding things from me. I make a big deal out of any wrongdoings, no matter how slight. I even seem to be constantly looking for mistakes. I am harsh, resentful and don’t forgive easily.
 
I am incapable of truly loving someone – I need someone to love me because I can’t love myself. I need someone to love me so I can be happy. But I can only love provided that my needs are met. Additionally, I’m in love with love. I want to love and be loved because as a dreamer, as a hopeless romantic living in a fantasy world, I have high ideals of love. I seem to be believe love is the key to happiness, the answer to all problems. I want the perfect fairy tale romance and I do everything I can to create that. When things don’t really go as planned, my fairy tale world crumbles. I start to think, he doesn’t love me. If things aren’t perfect, he can’t love me. My expectations of what love can accomplish in my life are too high and I don’t seem to understand that love is really about empathy and unconditional giving, which are things that I am incapable of.
 

I seek attention to get what I want - I want to be the center of my boyfriend’s existence. In order for him to pay attention to me I will engage in self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors. I will refuse to work on my resume (even when I know I really have to look for a job) so that he’ll do it for me. I will exaggerate and overreact to personal problems so that he’ll talk to me for hours on the phone to help me calm down, assess the situation, and fix it. I will quit therapy to get him mad. I will mix too many sleeping pills with alcohol or self harm to get him to worry about me. I will threaten to commit suicide to scare him. I will even threaten to kill him to get him to take me seriously.
  
I am moody and unpredictable – One minute I’ll be sweet and loving, the next minute I’ll be angry and vicious. One minute I’ll be giggly and perky, the next minute I’ll be despondent and hopeless. I will easily go from adoring and worshipping my boyfriend to hating and despising him. I will get upset over the most trivial things, often blaming him for everything. Then I will feel extreme guilt and fear that he’ll leave me for losing my temper, so I will beg for forgiveness.
  
I am an abuser – When I blow a fuse, which usually happens if I don’t get what I want and if things don’t go as I plan, I will call him names, I will insult him, I will put him down, I will make him feel like scum, I will make him regret he ever lived. If he is physically weaker than me and I am extremely angry, I will even go so far as to shove him and hit him. But every time I will apologize profusely, cry in shame, and beg for forgiveness.
  
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Now you have better idea why someone like me should remain single forever. 
 
When I was with my recent ex, I engaged in self-destructive behaviors more often than I do now. There seem to be fewer triggers now that I’m single. Life seems more stable and my scapegoat is gone. I don’t feel desperate to hold onto a man or to make him suffer for making me suffer because there is no man. And there will never be one.
 
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Note: I’m not all bad, though.

Undateable October 30, 2007

When I talk to people who are happily married, engaged, or involved with a special someone, I can’t help but feel sad because I secretly know I will never experience any of this. I work very hard to get used to the idea of spending the rest of my life alone, yet when I look around and see so many people in love, I am reminded of what I can’t have and it hurts.
 
Sometimes I wish I were normal so that I could find (and keep) love. It would be  wonderful to fall in love again. Why do I have to ruin every relationship I’m in? Why can’t I keep myself from being so needy, demanding, and difficult? I behave much better on my own. It is only when a man comes into the picture, a boyfriend to be exact, that I turn into a real pain in the ass.
 
What is it about having a boyfriend that makes me feel like I am entitled to make his life unbearable? I really don’t mean to hurt anyone. God knows I tried very hard to behave in my last relationship.
 
I’m better off alone. Men are better off without me. I know this. Every day I tell  myself so. And I am doing the best I can to accept it. But it’s easier said than done. There are times when I think I can manage on my own and then there are times when I can’t bear to be so lonely. Damn this neediness.
 
I am better off alone, for my sake and other people’s sake. I should tattoo this statement on my forearm as a self-reminder and on my forehead as a warning to others, and wear a T-shirt that says, “I Bite – Run, Do Not Just Walk to the Nearest Exit.”

Some Reasons Why I Avoid Social Contact October 16, 2007

• I often don’t feel like talking because it takes too much effort.

• I think small-talk is a waste of time. I’d rather talk about the deep, intimate stuff immediately, but of course few people want to do that. They want to build a rapport first.

• In social situations, I have nothing smart, funny, or interesting to say. It’s best I say nothing or people will see how stupid and dull I am.

• When I do speak people often can’t hear me and ask me to repeat myself five hundred times. It’s both embarrassing and frustrating.

• I am a terrible person. I can’t let people to discover the ‘real’ me or they’ll reject me.

• I can’t stand rejection.

• I can’t stand criticism.

• Being around people sometimes makes me fantasize about physically hurting them. I don’t like having these thoughts; they’re too disturbing.

• I don’t belong. I am an outcast.

• I’d like to be with people who like the same things I do and feel the same way I do, but I can’t find these people so I’d rather be alone.

• I’m so used to doing a lot of things on my own that I don’t like doing much with other people.

• I only need people when I’m lonely.

• I need to feel a very special connection with someone in order to enjoy their company.

• I usually don’t feel any special connection with anyone except with whomever I’m dating at the moment.

• When I have a boyfriend I don’t feel the need to have any friends. He’s the center of my existence; he’s all I need.

• I am judgmental. I don’t like a lot of people.

• People are judgmental. I’m not a likeable person, therefore nobody likes me.

• I am too self-absorbed. I really don’t care about other people’s problems. I wish I could talk about myself all the time, but I can’t do that because then they’ll see how selfish I am. Hence I constantly have to put on an act and it’s tiring.

• Acting friendly, selfless, and understanding to show this good side of me to people not only is exhausting, but it makes me feel like a fraud.

• People bore me, especially when all they do is talk about themselves.

• I don’t enjoy the things people enjoy. I always seem to enjoy what other people don’t enjoy. I always seem not to want to conform.

• I am a party pooper. I hate it when people have a good time because I’m not having a good time.

• I am always envious of other people because they’re better, prettier, smarter, more popular etc. I avoid people to avoid feeling this terrifying envy which consumes me and makes me feel worthless.

• I’d rather be alone than to feel “stuck” with other people.

• Being with other people makes me feel like a prisoner. You have to abide by some social norms and I hate doing that.

• I also like my space. Social contact needs to happen on my own terms.

• People always ask for favors. I have to avoid being too close to people so they won’t ask me any favors. I can’t stand doing people favors.

• People are unreliable. When you need them, they’re not there for you. It’s best to rely only on yourself.

• When I’m friends with someone I tend to want them all to myself. I am jealous of their friends and perceive their spending too much time with other people as a personal rejection.

• When I’m friends with someone I feel as though I am constantly competing with them. It’s draining. I hate losing, but I always end up losing because I’m such a loser. It makes me feel worthless, so I have to sever all ties with them before I lose it and let them see how terrible I am.

• When I’m friends with someone they’re either my friends or my enemies. Some days I love them; some days I hate them.

• Friendships are too complicated.

• Friendships are too demanding and taxing.

• I am not good with people.

• I don’t make a very good friend. People are better off without me. 

High School Meme October 11, 2007

This blog is turning out to be more of a mood journal than I expected, which is fine by me, but I thought I’d throw in a little meme for a change.
 
1. Who was your best friend? I had none.
 
2. What sports did you play? None.
 
3. What kind of car did you drive?  I didn’t learn how to drive till I was 22.
 
4. It’s Friday night, where were you?  In my room, possibly listening to sappy songs and daydreaming about love.
 
5. Were you a party animal?  I didn’t go to a real party until I was in my early twenties.
 
6. Were you considered a flirt?  No, I was considered very quiet, even mute for all I know.
 
7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? I was in the marching/pep band and in the orchestra for one musical, Annie. I played the flute.
 
8. Were you a nerd?  Not really, just an outcast. 
 
9. Did you get suspended/expelled? I almost got suspended for taking off during a school trip without telling the teachers where I was going. I wrote a heartfelt letter of apology and the teacher decided not to suspend me after all.
 
10. Can you sing the fight song? What’s that?
 
11. Who was your favorite teacher?  Spanish teacher. I was the teacher’s pet.
 
12. Did you go to Prom? I went to senior prom, the one and only dance I ever attended in high school. It was really boring; I must have stayed only half an hour. And I didn’t even dance because no one would dance with me.
 
13. If you could go back and do it over, would you? I wouldn’t go back. I hated high school.
 
14. What do you remember most about graduation?  I was sad because I knew I was never going see my crush again and because I didn’t know whether I’d be going to college or not.
 
15. Where were you on senior skip day? At school, not knowing there was such a day because no one ever told me anything.
 
16. Did you have a job your senior year?  All through high school, I worked as a helper/housekeeper for this family we used to be neighbors with.
 
17. Where did you go most often for lunch? An empty classroom, usually by myself, where no one would find me.
 
18. What was your favorite class? Spanish. Without really trying, I was always the best student.
 
19. What did you do after graduation?  I think I cried myself to sleep that night.
 
20. When did you graduate? 1997
 
21. Who was your Senior prom date?  A ‘friend’ of mine who wasn’t much of a date because he spent most of his time ignoring me and talking to his friends.
 
22. What clubs/organizations did you belong to? International club, school band, National Honor Society
 
24. Did you go to your 10 year reunion? Nope and I wouldn’t have gone even if they had paid me to.

Why Am I Here? What Am I Doing? October 4, 2007

I am envious of other bloggers.
 
Many of them have friends; they belong to some kind of community; they enjoy open communication with their readers.
 
I’m a lonely blogger. A castaway on a deserted island. I have closed all links to civilization, shunned all human contact. I am alone because I can’t help pushing others away.
 
Other bloggers seem to have a purpose, a focus. They have something to speak of; they have something positive, useful, insightful, entertaining to share.
 
What do I have to share? Transient moods, shifting desires, flighty ideas, uncertain goals. I’m as confusing as I am confused, as exasperating as I am exasperated with myself.
 
From the inside of the bubble I isolate myself in, I watch them. That’s all I can do. I, the outsider, who will never be, could never be, one of them.