Perfectionism Is A Disease July 27, 2008

My perfectionism seems to work three ways:

1. I set unreasonably high standards for myself.
2. I set unreasonably high standards for other people.
3. I believe others have extremely high standards for me.

Hence I am constantly judging myself, judging others, and thinking about how others are judging me.
 
Nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing a significant other does is ever good enough. Because I am an exacting and unforgiving judge, we’re doomed from the start. No matter how hard we tried, we could never achieve the unrealistic standards of perfection that I demand.
 
When you’re so used to judging yourself and others so stringently, you become convinced that this is the way the world operates. In my mind others are just as demanding as I am, and I feel considerable pressure from them to surpass their expectations. They’re watching me, evaluating me and expecting the world of me. I fear they will lose respect for me if I fail them, so I push myself relentlessly to avoid humiliation and gain their approval.
 
But often the pressure from both within and outside gets to be so overwhelming that I feel as if I can’t keep on going. I’m easily burned out. Easily disappointed. Being a perfectionist takes a toll on you. So many failures, yet so few successes, if any. Each failure is a massive blow to the self-esteem, bringing you closer to hopelessness and despair. You work hard, but you achieve nothing. You’re just madly going around in circles in a pointless and miserable process.
 
Perfectionism is a vicious disease. It eats you. Poisons you. Confines you. Defeats you. I can’t tell you how badly I want to break free. Every second of my existence I can see it working in action, preventing me from achieving my true potential, alienating me from the people I love, draining the energy out of me and destroying my will to continue living in this world.
 
Whenever I take actions to curb the disease, it’s there, laughing in my face as it screams “I am you! You can never get past me! Whatever you do, it will be MY doing!” Whenever I try to do the right thing, it always turns out to be the wrong thing. I can’t seem to be able to run away from perfectionism. Whatever I do –every word I utter, every action I take, every thought I have– seems to fueled by the disease.
 
So I’ve decided to go back to therapy. Now that I have a real job with health insurance, I have no excuse. I want to get better. I want to fight this sickness. And at this point I really see no other way.

Hopeless Job Search April 4, 2008

Oooh, I’m really liking the new WordPress interface. It looks so inviting that blogging suddenly seems like the thing to do.
 
It’s been a week since I was given the axe at work. The job search has been fruitless thus far, but then I can’t say I’ve been very motivated to look too hard. My outlook on life has been pitifully grim lately. I’m feeling pretty hopeless.
 
I feel handicapped by my social anxiety and depression. Every administrative job ad that I read calls for an enthusiastic self-starter, an outgoing, friendly team-player… They want someone with a positive, can-do attitude, excellent verbal communication skills, a pleasant phone demeanor, stellar customer service skills and all the attributes of the ideal administrative assistant that I just don’t have, can’t have, will never have.
 
Administrative support is not the right career for me. I’m not cut out for it. No one wants to hire a quiet, self-effacing assistant who sees the glass as half-empty and likes to be left in her own little world.
 
The truth is that I like to work on my own, in my own space. I don’t want to have to deal with clients, either on the phone or in person. I want to spend as little time with my coworkers as possible. I want to do something that is so straightforward and repetitive that I can just get lost in it and not see the time go by. I want to go to work to pay the bills and nothing more.
 
I chose administrative support as a career because I didn’t know what else to do at the time. When I got into it I had no real professional experience whatsoever; my college major was useless; I didn’t have any money for specialized training; and I was neither motivated nor smart enough to seek out more demanding jobs. Being a secretary seemed like the easiest way to join the white-collar workforce and so I went for it.
 
Although I hated the people interaction aspect of it, I was fortunate enough that the jobs I landed involved little interpersonal involvement. Now that I’m unemployed and looking again, however, I’m realizing just how hard it is going to be for me to find another position where I will be left in my little corner in peace.
 
I’ve been trying to think of other career options for someone as socially anxious as I am that don’t involve additional training or education. I was breaking into the payroll and accounting fields in my most recent job, but it seems that if you’re not an actual accountant, you’re pretty much stuck doing customer service stuff, especially when you’re first starting out. I’ve been considering legal file clerk or records management positions instead. Though some human interaction is required, at least these jobs wouldn’t have me answer phones or constantly help people. The problem I’ve been running into is that most companies seem to be looking for someone with some experience in the field and I don’t have any.
 
I’ve thought about other career paths like medical coding, which apparently doesn’t involve ANY kind of client interaction, but it seems like it might be way over my head with all the complicated medical jargon and my laughable incapacity to remember much of anything.
 
So at this point it doesn’t look like I’m going to be employed any time soon. I fear I will have to go back to the blue-collar workforce and stay there indefinitely. Maybe that’s what I’m cut out to do, clean other people’s toilets. It’s easy enough and I don’t have to talk to anyone while I’m scrubbing away.

Freedom is Mine Again March 31, 2008

Lo and behold, I am finally free from the shackles of the job from hell.
 
Four weeks ago, I submitted my resignation (with two weeks’ notice) in writing, but my boss insisted I stay and work on my introversion/social anxiety, which was the excuse I had given them for wanting to leave. Then, three and a half weeks later, they decided to fire me “take me up on my resignation” because they realized I was a hopeless case.
 
Hah! I’ve spent 28 years coping with social anxiety and avoidance issues; how foolish of them to think I would magically become more talkative and gregarious in less than a month.
 
Still, the news of the release came as a shock and was a bitter pill to swallow. It came as fast and as unexpected as lightning. After they had asked me to work on improving my social skills with my coworkers, things improved somewhat, or so I thought. Coward OCPD boss called me at half past eight last Thursday evening to tell me she was letting me go. She had been expecting bigger results and obviously I hadn’t delivered. Offering little explanation other than she felt it just wasn’t going to work out, she told me not to return the next day to finish the week off or pick up my belongings.
 
So here I am, unemployed again. Though I’m past the feelings of denial and anger, I’m still recovering from the rejection, which came so abruptly. I never saw it coming this fast. Boss had insisted that if things didn’t work out, she would keep me on board until I found another job. They needed me, she had assured me. On the afternoon of the sudden boot, we had spoken about it again and once more she had reiterated that offer to me. I was counting on that safe cushion. Like a fool I trusted her. When I was ready to walk out that door, the cunning viper sweet-talked me into staying and then, when I least expected it she delivered the backstabbing punch and fired me without notice, claiming that I had been right all along, that it was best they “take me up on my resignation, effective immediately.”
 
It was a crushing blow. It felt like my self-esteem had been beaten up to a pulp, my sense of stability yanked from under me and thrown into the wind. I’m slowly picking up the pieces, struggling to regain enough self worth, to dig into whatever reserves of hope and strength I’ve got left to get back into the job hunt.
 
Oh she sure had me on that one. They all had me on that one, they who conspired to get rid of me, they who must be smiling smugly as we speak. But if only they knew what RELIEF I feel to be rid of them as well.
 
I am a free woman. I’ve made it out of prison. I’ve made it out of hell. I can breathe again, be myself again. And as God is my witness, for as long as I live, I shall let no other job EVER take that freedom away from me again.

Exercise Diary #8 – Overdue Fitness Update February 2, 2008

I can’t believe my last exercise diary entry was on November 20, 2007. Overall I’d say that despite a couple of temporary setbacks, I’ve made quite a lot of progress since then.
 
There was a brief period in early January, right after the holiday season was over, when I sort of let myself go by eating too much and exercising only two to three times a week. But, after gaining a couple pounds soon thereafter, I realized that I couldn’t afford to get off track. It seems that if I go more than two days without exercising, I gain weight and become really really lazy. So lazy that I don’t feel like going back to the gym and then gain even more weight!
 
To prevent myself from going down that dangerous slope, I’ve made it a point to exercise 5 to 6 times a week. It’s really the only way to keep my weight and energy level stable. It seems hard, but once you’re on a roll, it’s not that difficult.
 
I’ve found it extremely helpful to create my own fitness schedule because it was getting too hard to keep track of the weight training for the different body groups. It’s helped me stay organized, but also more focused and motivated. Having a weight training schedule has prevented me from neglecting, or on the flip side of the coin, overworking, a particular body part. And when the entire body is worked on such a systematic basis, the results become apparent quicker.
 
——————————————— 
 
My current fitness schedule: 
 
Tuesday – 30-minute cardio: treadmill or elliptical 
Strength training: back, chest
 
Wednesday – 30-minute cardio: high-intensity dancing (at home)
Strength training: arms, shoulders, and abs
 
Thursday – Strength training: legs, buttocks
Total body deep stretch
 
Friday – 30-minute cardio: treadmill
Strength training: arms, shoulders, and abs
 
Saturday – 1-hour yoga class
Strength training: back, chest
 
Sunday – 30-minute cardio: jump rope and misc. exercises (outdoors, weather permitting)
Strength training: legs, buttocks, and abs
 
Monday – Rest / makeup day
 
———————————————
 
Along the way I’ve discovered that doing a variety of things helps keep my exercise regimen more fun and interesting. For weight training, I’ve not just been using free weights and weight machines, but also doing traditional exercises like pushups, squats, and elbow planks, which are more often than not, more effective than weight machines. I’m looking into adding more props like the exercise ball, medicine ball, and resistance bands to spice up my routines.
 
For both strength and flexibility, I’ve been taking a weekly yoga class at my local gym. It’s been quite a welcome addition. For cardio, I’ve recently introduced rope jumping as well as high-intensity dancing into my fitness plan, and plan to do more outdoor cardio activities once the weather warms up. My hope is to finally get myself that bicycle I’ve wanted for so long and bike outside when spring comes! 
 
Finally, I’m very keen on trying out different types of dance classes like hip-hop and jazz once my first paycheck kicks in. (Tonight I’m going out salsa dancing, so that’ll count as cardio, too, woot!)
 
One of the Christmas presents I got was a 2-year subcription to Oxygen, THE best fitness magazine for women that is currently sold on the US market. This is a high-quality magazine for women who are serious about getting in shape and don’t want any of that useless crap usually found in other fitness magazines such as relationship advice, fashion tips, and other irrelevant fluffy stuff. I’ve found the detailed workout sections very helpful.
 
But I’ve also been using the internet for workout ideas, particularly for strength training. I like some of the articles in the workout section of the Women’s Health website (the website practically has all the articles the magazine contains, so it’s kind of a waste to susbcribe to the magazine). They’ve got an online newletter you can subscribe to for free, which contains links to some great articles on nutrition, health, and fitness. It’s rare that I’d want to open links in the online newletters I receive, but with the Woman’s Health newletters, I often do because they relate to interesting content.
 
I’ve come a long way since the days when I loathed exercise with a passion, couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like I was going to pass out, and had fat jiggling all over my body. Now I feel great. My body feels great. When you’re fit, you feel like you can do more – get up earlier, walk farther, carry heavier things, clean the house faster – because you’ve now got more energy, strength, and stamina than ever before.
 
They used to tell me exercise was one of the best treatments for depression and at the time I staunchly refused to believe them, thinking that nothing would EVER make me feel better, but now I am fully converted to the belief that exercise is THE most effective weapon, along with a healthy diet (and a good dose of zzzz), in the battle against depression.

Unemployed January 10, 2008

Well, I quit the nightmare customer service-oriented job after just one day on it. The decision brought me HUGE relief, but it’s also left me unemployed, which in turn has made me feel pretty shitty (i.e., depressed). 
 
The uncertainty of the future has been overwhelming. I can’t bear not knowing when my next paycheck will come. I can’t bear the possibility that all the hard work I spent making sure my finances were in order may unravel sooner or later. I feel like a bomb is ticking and it’s only a matter of time before I lose control over everything.
 
I feel so powerless, so worthless. The world keeps on turning, life keeps on going, yet I feel so hopelessly unprepared for it. I desperately wish I could stop time or bring it back so I could get everything together just right before it started running again. 
 
Every day I apply for jobs and no one ever bothers to reply. My self-esteem takes a hit each day that goes by without an answer. I know I’m incompetent, but this total lack of response makes me feel ten times more incompetent. What a way to remind me of the waste of 28 years.
 
I anxiously wait for the phone to ring. My temp agencies are most likely my only hope of ever finding a job. And they are the only ones who can give me short-term assignments, which will help buy me more time. My whole life depends on them.
 
During this period of purgatory waiting, I organize my apartment to keep myself distracted and give myself some semblance of control. While I can’t directly affect the outcome of my job search, I can improve the appearance of my closets and the efficiency with which I can find things in them. Of course, there’s also the other, less practical, alternative, which has become more inviting as of late: to stay in bed all day, aimlessly mulling over my desire to cease to live this hopeless failure of an existence.

Exercise Diary #6 – I Must Exercise As Often and As Hard I Can November 12, 2007

I’ve been exercising practically every day in a very intense fashion. I have become so obsessed with exercise that it has become the center of my existence.
 
Is exercise replacing the void once filled by my ex, I wonder?
 
—————– 
 
I feel the need to exercise as often and as hard I can because …
 
A healthy diet is worthless without exercise
 
I’m terribly bored and don’t know what else to do
 
Exercise distracts me from my negative thoughts
 
Exercise makes me forget how lonely I am (while I’m doing it)
 
Exercise helps me think more clearly
 
Exercise gives me a much needed boost of energy
 
Exercise gives me the control and power to change the way I look
 
Exercise gives me a sense of purpose in life
 
I need a strong point of focus in my life to keep myself together
 
I need to feel PASSION about something
 
I need to give my entire body, heart, mind and soul to something in order to feel alive
 
I’m hurting inside and exercise makes me feel better afterwards 
 
Pushing my body as far it will go makes me feel high
 
Riding on the high that comes with intense exercise makes me feel powerful
 
The soreness that comes the day after I exercise feels good
 
I (still) don’t like the way I look
 
I want faster, more immediate results 
 
I am ready to sacrifice everything to achieve the dream body I desperately want
 
I want to show others that I can accomplish this
 
I can’t wait to impress people with my new super fit, super toned figure
 
I want to show to this girl I am jealous of (who hasn’t seen me for years) that I (still) look twice as good as she does (she used to be fat, but now she looks thin and fit)
 
If I don’t exercise I feel terribly guilty
 
If I don’t exercise I feel like a failure
 
If I don’t exercise I feel worthless and empty
 
If I don’t exercise all my efforts will have been in vain
 
If I don’t exercise those who know I’ve embarked on this mission will laugh at me for not following through with my plans and goals
 
And if I can’t succeed in accomplishing my goals, I’ll never be able to show my face again to people who knew me back when I was still thin and beautiful

I’m A Serial Class Cutter/Quitter November 5, 2007

Whenever I start to neglect this blog, even if only for a couple of days, I find it difficult to pull myself back into it.
 
I wish it were just the blogging, though. Unfortunately this type of thing happens with practically everything else I do.
 
I cut one dance class back in October and since then I haven’t gone to class for FIVE weeks in a row (not for the lack of trying).
 
First two weeks, I was down in the dumps, too apathetic and tired to do much of anything, least of all dance. Third week, I had to attend a family function. Fourth week, I was running so embarrassingly late (because of some godforsaken awful train delays) that I decided to turn back home three quarters of the way through. Fifth week (yesterday), I was all ready to go and about to walk out the door, when I suddenly lost all motivation to go to class and went to hang out with my ex instead.
 
After the third week, my teacher emailed me to make sure I was alright. I wrote her back promising her that I’d be there the following week.
 
I’m such a bad student.
 
At this point I don’t know if the woman will ever see my face in class again this semester. She’d have to threaten me with a gun to my face to get me to show up to class next week. And even that probably wouldn’t work because I’d give anything for someone to just shoot me and end this pathetic existence of mine.
 
I can already see my 200 bucks heading towards the drain. I knew I shouldn’t have signed up for this. What made me think I was going to finish this one class when I quit every other class before this one early?
 
Damn it, I hate myself for trying. And I hate myself even more for hoping.

This Is Who I Am October 15, 2007

Depression is not just a part of me. It is who I am as a person.
 
Depression is my anchor, my refuge, my security blanket. I could never live without it.
 
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel depressed. The day I first saw the light it was with a dark veil over my eyes. The world I see is black and white. And though I see beauty, all I can focus on is the bad and the ugly.
 
I relish the pain. It makes me feel alive. I need misery. It gives me a purpose. To lament, to torment, to mourn, to scorn, to upset, to regret, to despise, to criticize, these are the things that I do best. 
 
I am the epitome of what is dark, sad, and wretched.
 
I am not ill. I am ME.

Platitudes October 11, 2007

It’s always hard to talk to people about the depression we endure because many of them don’t understand that it is a real illness as debilitating mentally as it is physically. It’s not suprising that so many of us depressed people choose to suffer in silence. We hide our condition in order to avoid hearing the same meaningless platitudes, which,  although often well-intentioned, make us feel ashamed of how we feel and alienate us from those around us.
 
“Hang in there”
“Stay strong”
“Cheer up”
“It’s a beautiful day!”
“You don’t ‘look’ that bad”
“It’s all in your mind”
“You have it so good – why aren’t you happy?”
“What do you have to be depressed about?”
“You have no reason to feel this way”
“You think you’ve got problems…”
“There are a lot of people worse off than you”
“You should have so many things to be thankful for, why are you depressed?”
“No one ever said life was fair”
“That is life – get used to it”
“Everybody’s got problems”
“We all have our bad days”
“We all get depressed from time to time”
“It’s not that bad”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing”
“What are you worried about? You’ll be fine.”
“You should get off all those pills”
“You are what you think”
“Happiness is a choice”
“You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it”
“You’re always whining, but whining won’t change a thing”
“Get up and take charge of your life”
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself”
“You need to get out more”
“Go out and get some fresh air”
“You should exercise. It would do you some good.”
“Maybe you should eat better.”
“You’re so young. You should be having the time of your life”
“Get a hobby”
“Go have some fun”
“You need a boy/girl-friend”
“Staying cooped up at home by yourself won’t help.”
“Quit whining. Get out there and help people and you won’t have time to brood…”
“This is what happens when you turn your back on God”
“You’d feel better if you went to church” 
“Only God can help you. Reach out to him”
“You’re too hard on yourself. Quit being such a perfectionist”
“Accept yourself for who you are”
“The only one you’re hurting is yourself”
“You’re bringing this upon yourself”
“You enjoy being miserable”
“Stop being a martyr”
“You’re always worried about your problems”
“Don’t be so self-absorbed”
“Oh, you’ll be fine!”
“That which does not kill us makes us stronger”
“Just wait a few weeks, it’ll be over soon”
“My life isn’t that great either”
“You’re making me depressed”
“Do you feel better now?”
“We have to get together some time”
 
Mom, dad, brother, friends, strangers, I wish I could make you understand that by saying these things to me, you belittle how I feel and in so doing, hurt me more than you help me.

The most boring post ever October 10, 2007

What can I say? I’m boring. My life is boring.
 
I’m not interested in many things these days. Not even bely danzing*. I skipped danz class last Sunday because I just didn’t feel like going, and I am thinking about skipping again this week.
 
The only two things I’m still mildly interested in are movies and books, which I mainly use to escape reality and pass time (because time feels dreadfully slow). Since my mom now lives with me I can’t play around with meds, so no fun and games for me. Besides I’m too tired to think and act like I’m the queen of the world.
 
I’m going to the library after work to pick up a few books. I wish I could buy some novels, but I’ve already spent $30 this month on a bunch of mental illness books that I read in one sitting and probably won’t bother to look at again. What was I thinking? Library books it’ll have to be.
 
*I’m mispelling some words on purpose because I’m paranoid about being found by those who might be looking for me through search engines