I’m 29 years old and I’m still single. There are days when I feel sorry for myself and I think I’ve wasted my twenties being in relationships I shouldn’t have been in the first place. But then I realize that these ‘failed’ relationships were part of my dating education. They’re an important part of my quest to find Mr. Right, but even more importantly, to find myself.
Today I am wiser and more mature when it comes to dating and life in general. Because I’ve learned from my past dating experiences, I am less likely to repeat the foolish mistakes I made when I was younger and more naive.
The attributes that I’m looking for in a man are also more rooted in reality than in fantasy. In my twenties I was looking for a knight in shining armor, a sweet, tall, handsome man making a good living who’d sweep me off my feet, take care of me and make me happy. These days I’m looking for something more substantial, not to mention realistic. I want someone who’s mature and responsible, balanced and happy, honest and genuine, considerate and kind. I would rather be with someone who shares my principles and ideals than someone who looks like he spends hours at the gym. I would rather be with someone whom I could see myself peacefully growing old with than someone who would ignite sparks that may not even last.
As I continue working towards a more confident, well-rounded self, I know I am taking closer steps to finding Mr. Right. By being healthy, I will attract healthy relationships. It all starts with me. When I learn to be happy on my own, to be confident in the person I am, to live life to the fullest without a man, the right man will find his way to my heart when I least expect it.
The most important realization is that I don’t need a man to be happy. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy. If I can’t be happy on my own, then I can’t possibly be happy with any man. As I mentioned in my last post, self-esteem comes from within and cannot be created from the outside.
I need to love myself first and foremost. Unlike what I had always believed, it’s not selfish to put myself first. When I truly know and believe in myself, I will follow through with what I feel is best for me. I will no longer feel the need to please or impress people, compare myself to my peers, or follow the dictates of society.
What do I truly want? What do I feel is best for me? No one else but me can answer these questions for me. I will listen to my own voice. When it comes from a source of inner peace, it is wise and true. When it comes from a place of turmoil and agitation, however, it is often irresponsible and misleading. I will know the difference and always strive to maintain the inner peace necessary to make the right decisions.
I don’t need marriage. I’m perfectly fine on my own. Desperation is what leads many women to jump into marriages that turn out to be unhappy. I refuse to marry (or date!) anyone out of desperation. Marriage is a lifelong commitment; I would be signing my own death warrant by marrying a man either out of desperation or fear of loneliness. And I will not waste more months of my life dating someone whom I know is not right for me simply because I’m too scared to be alone.
No, I would rather be on my own, living fully and happily. Starting tonight, I will stop worrying about the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone. The more I keep mulling over it, the less time I will have to enjoy life! And the less I enjoy life, the less likely I would be to have (or notice!) anyone falling in love with me. I will eliminate the time-wasting thought process completely and instead focus on building a happy, fulfilling existence on my own. Maybe the right man will come along or maybe he won’t. It doesn’t really matter, does it, if I’m perfectly happy by myself?
Happily Single at 29 December 28, 2008
Why I Make A Good Girlfriend, Too December 2, 2007
Though I made a list of the reasons why no one should date me, I’m really not ALL bad. Amidst all the bad, there is some good in me. Here are reasons why:
● I’m a committed girlfriend; I take relationships seriously.
● My boyfriend is the number one priority in my life.
● I can be extremely sweet, caring, doting, and affectionate.
● I often tell my boyfriend how much I care about him.
● I send him love letters and emails to express my sentiments
● I love to go all out during special occasions. I’m very romantic and I like to create beautiful memories.
● I never forget important dates like his birthday or our anniversary. On those days I like to make him feel very special and lavish him with presents and extra attention.
● I love to surprise my boyfriend with little romantic gifts and gestures just because. I’m quite thoughtful like that.
● I give him handmade cards and scrapbooks about our memories together.
● I will take care of him when he’s sick, listen to him when he’s going through some tough moments, be there by his side when he needs me, etc. I may not really know how to truly empathize, but I can sympathize. I am fiercely loyal and believe it is my duty as a girlfriend to be his right arm. Also, I keep in mind that if I treat him well in times like these, he’ll treat me well, too, when I go through such times.
● I will not take my boyfriend’s paying for dinners, movies, trips and other activities for granted. I always make it a point to offer to pay and will often stand my ground on splitting costs evenly in the middle. For one it would be impolite to assume he’ll take care of everything. Secondly I’d feel guilty if he paid for me too often. And while I don’t make much money, I want to show him that I am financially self-reliant.
● I’m always on time for dates.
● I’m a master planner. I will meticulously plan dates, trips, and special events. I think of everything.
● I’m a master organizer. I can organize my significant other’s apartment inside out. I will help him get organized if he needs it (i.e. if he always has trouble finding his keys).
● I will help clean, do laundry, paint his place, and do other stuff around the house if he needs me to. I’d do anything I can to help him.
● I have an amazing sense of style, aesthetics, and colors. I make the perfect shopping companion, a great personal stylist, and a pretty decent interior decorator.
● I remember things for him. I provide first-class reminder services.
● I can also provide fairly good proofreading services.
● I’m a very frugal person. I can show him how to live frugally and save money!
● I can be surprisingly wise and rational, and can provide good advice when he needs help making decisions.
● I’m not always all business and no play. I like to goof around every once in a while and act stupid.
● I can be really fun to be with. I’m bubbly, playful and I can be quite silly.
● I laugh at pretty much anything. It’s really easy to make me laugh.
● I’m lots of fun in the bedroom department (at least that’s what I’ve been told).
● If I promise I’m going to do something, such as lose weight or take him on a trip, I will do it. I always do everything I can to keep my word. If I know I can’t do something, I would not promise it.
● I don’t lie. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong. I wouldn’t want him to lie to me, so why would I lie to him? Besides I am not a good liar. I think people can always tell when I’m lying. And lies always catch up with you in the long run. Honesty is definitely the way to go.
● I’m very open. I don’t feel comfortable hiding things, especially wrongdoings. It feels wrong and weighs heavily on my conscience.
● I try as much as I can to be open with my feelings, too. Communication is very important to me and is the only way problems within the relationship can be solved.
● I don’t cheat. Cheating on one’s significant other is one of the worst offenses ever. I really don’t tolerate it and I certainly will not engage in that kind of behavior. I think not cheating is a matter of self-restraint, self-discipline, and avoiding situations that may lead to the act. I have NEVER cheated and I NEVER will. No one I’ve dated has EVER cheated on me.
● I acknowledge that I have issues and while I’m not always willing to seek treatment, I’m aware of the wrong I do and always apologize sincerely after I’ve misbehaved
● Deep down, I really do care about my boyfriend and don’t want to hurt him.
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Of course, most of this really only applies to boyfriends. I’m definitely not that nice, fun, playful, attentive, caring, doting, generous, and helpful with other people. But then again I’m not that mean and crazy with other people either. I’m really a completely different person with most people - a shy, mute, boring, serious, apathetic wallflower, you might say.
What I Love About Being Single November 2, 2007
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up last August 16, 2007 – we were 14 days short of our three-year anniversary. As with any breakup, at first I thought I’d never recover from it, but I did. And the more time goes by the better I feel about it.
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It’s my ex’s birthday tomorrow and I don’t have to buy him a present (or a card). Yay!
No more tears shed over unanswered phone calls, text messages, and emails
No more praying (in vain) that he’ll send me flowers one day, write me love poems, or take me out to a romantic restaurant
No more waiting for him to show up 2 hours late for our meetings
No more being late for movies and just about everything else
No more having the misfortune to be seen with him in public when he wears his old see-through t-shirts with more holes than gruyère cheese
No more being forced to sit through another episode of “Heroes” or some other stupid television show/series he’s crazy about at the moment
No more being made to watch retarded comedies with zero cinematic value
No more merengue or salsa dancing with a very uncomfortable piece of wood poking at my pubic bone
No more treasure hunts for soiled socks and dirty underwear on laundry day
No more talking to myself on the phone
No more trying in vain to engage a sleep-deprived zombie that falls asleep faster than the speed of light into a conversation
No more being kept up at night by deafening snores and explosive snorts
No more finding myself on the verge of falling off the bed because some schmuck in seventh heaven thinks he’s alone in the bed
No more waking up in the middle of the night struggling for air to unbury myself from the heavy body parts that were piled up on top of me while I was asleep (for the same reason as above)
No more hanging out with the same drinking gang of immature cronies
No more yelling at him from the top of my lungs for him to end his 30-minute morning showers so that we can attempt to be on time for work for once
No more rolling into work guiltily at 11 am pretending not to notice how late it is
No more trying to fight off the horndog
No more fake orgasms or lies that sex was good
No more 15-min bl*w jobs that leave me feeling like my lips were injected with novocaine and my jaw dislocated
No more having to tend the area south of the border
No more being asked to sniff dirty laundry to see if it should be thrown in the wash or not (because I apparently have a bloodhound sense of smell)
Likewise, no more being asked to sniff 5-month old food leftovers to see if they’ve gone bad or not
Now I can listen to sappy crooners all I want (hello, Michael Bublé!)
I can watch the baddest, scariest horror films in peace without sissy next to me tugging at my arm or jumping up (annoyingly) in his seat whenever he’s scared
I can fart and stink up the bed to my heart’s content (and not get called bed farter and made to go take a dump)
I can bend over with the peace of mind that no dog will get behind me and act like a dog
I can go to Target and stay there for 2 1/2 hours
I can make funny faces or prance around like a monkey in public if I feel like it
I can swear like a drunk French sailor (and not be told to watch my manners)
I can wear sweaters in 98 degree weather
I can wear the black and white striped top I wore on my first date with him without being called a prison inmate
I can smell till I can’t take it any more (and have to take a shower)
I can leave the toothpaste cap off and even throw it on the floor for fun if it makes me happy
The drive-thru at Wendy’s will never be my Friday dinner out on the town again
My toilet seat will always stay DOWN
My bedroom will never smell like roquefort cheese again
Reasons Why No One Should Ever Date Me October 31, 2007
I’m consumed by jealousy – Every woman in my boyfriend’s life is a threat. I freak out every time I see an attractive female on his MySpace/Facebook list of friends. I am boiling with anger when he goes out for a meal with a female friend or coworker. I also can’t stand when he spends too much time with his friends or with his family. It makes me feel like he’d rather be with them than with me. It makes me feel worthless. Basically I want my boyfriend all to myself and I’m fiercely jealous of anyone who may get in the way of that.
I play the detective – I ask thorough questions on everything he’s done, everything he thinks about, everything he’s talked about with someone else, and everything he plans to do. I conduct thorough internet search on him to dig up any old information. I also snoop around his home and personal belongings for clues that he might be hiding something from me. When I find something that might be incriminating or when I find something he’s not told me about, I confront him. No matter what he does, he loses.
I have no life outside of my boyfriend - He is the center of my existence, my reason for living. Without him I am nothing. I have no friends; I don’t need any if I have a him. He serves every purpose.
I smother him - I want to know what my boyfriend is doing at all times. I think that if he loves me, he should be in touch with me all the time. I have to call him, email him, text him incessantly to remind myself of his presence. If he won’t answer, I’ll flip. I’ll imagine all sorts of bad things and then the next time I’ll talk to him I’ll get very angry at him for letting me down.
I can’t stand being smothered – Although I will smother him, I can’t tolerate it if he smothers me. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe, like I can’t be myself, like I can’t do what I want. To me it’s also a sign of neediness and I can’t tolerate it when people need me. I want people to give, but I don’t want to give much. Hence, I will try to keep my distance and may eventually lose interest if I’m faced with too much intimacy, too much attention, too much time spent together etc.
I am a control freak – I need to be in control of my relationship since I cannot control my emotions well. I set the rules. My boyfriend must do everything I say and get along with everything I suggest. If he doesn’t, I will make him feel guilty for letting me down and I will manipulate him so that in the end he does as I say. And if he still doesn’t, I will get very upset.
I can be stingy with my affection – I want him to shower me with affection and I will do the same to him if all’s well. However, when I don’t get what I want, I will hold back sex, affection, and even love to show him how much he’s hurt me.
I can be mean and sadistic - When he’s about to go out with his family and friends, I’ll start putting them down and will sometimes go so far as to insult them to get a reaction out of him. We will get into an argument, then I will cry and apologize with the hope that maybe he’ll change his mind about leaving me alone. If he still ends up going to hang out with his friends/family, I will make him feel so miserable that he will not have a good time with them. I can’t stand it when he doesn’t do as I say. I can’t stand it when he has a good time without me. If I’m suffering he should suffer, too.
I hate his friends – To me they’re all enemies. They’re there to come in between me and my man. More than anything else I am afraid they will take him away from me. I also think they all despise me because I’m such a looney loser. I hate how they make me see my weaknesses and my worthlessness. I’m envious of them. I wish I could be like them, but I can’t. I avoid them at all costs and I do everything I can to keep my boyfriend away from them, too.
I am needy – I need a man to love me, reassure me, and console me. I need him to hold me when I’m lonely. I need him to call me so that I know he cares. I need him to listen to me when I need to rant. I need him to tell me how wonderful I am. I need him to try to understand me even if I know he can’t. I need him to help me cope with life. I need him to always be there for me, on call 24/7, 365 days a year at the drop of a hat. To me that is true love.
I am stubborn and inflexible – I’m a pain in the ass to argue with. I’m set in stone in my own ways. It’s always my way or the highway. Compromises are very hard to reach. I won’t try new things even with a lot of coaxing and begging. I don’t like surprises. I have to stick with the rules, the routines at the expense of having fun. I can be too serious. I don’t tolerate mistakes. I don’t tolerate lying, hiding things from me. I make a big deal out of any wrongdoings, no matter how slight. I even seem to be constantly looking for mistakes. I am harsh, resentful and don’t forgive easily.
I am incapable of truly loving someone – I need someone to love me because I can’t love myself. I need someone to love me so I can be happy. But I can only love provided that my needs are met. Additionally, I’m in love with love. I want to love and be loved because as a dreamer, as a hopeless romantic living in a fantasy world, I have high ideals of love. I seem to be believe love is the key to happiness, the answer to all problems. I want the perfect fairy tale romance and I do everything I can to create that. When things don’t really go as planned, my fairy tale world crumbles. I start to think, he doesn’t love me. If things aren’t perfect, he can’t love me. My expectations of what love can accomplish in my life are too high and I don’t seem to understand that love is really about empathy and unconditional giving, which are things that I am incapable of.
I seek attention to get what I want - I want to be the center of my boyfriend’s existence. In order for him to pay attention to me I will engage in self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors. I will refuse to work on my resume (even when I know I really have to look for a job) so that he’ll do it for me. I will exaggerate and overreact to personal problems so that he’ll talk to me for hours on the phone to help me calm down, assess the situation, and fix it. I will quit therapy to get him mad. I will mix too many sleeping pills with alcohol or self harm to get him to worry about me. I will threaten to commit suicide to scare him. I will even threaten to kill him to get him to take me seriously.
I am moody and unpredictable – One minute I’ll be sweet and loving, the next minute I’ll be angry and vicious. One minute I’ll be giggly and perky, the next minute I’ll be despondent and hopeless. I will easily go from adoring and worshipping my boyfriend to hating and despising him. I will get upset over the most trivial things, often blaming him for everything. Then I will feel extreme guilt and fear that he’ll leave me for losing my temper, so I will beg for forgiveness.
I am an abuser – When I blow a fuse, which usually happens if I don’t get what I want and if things don’t go as I plan, I will call him names, I will insult him, I will put him down, I will make him feel like scum, I will make him regret he ever lived. If he is physically weaker than me and I am extremely angry, I will even go so far as to shove him and hit him. But every time I will apologize profusely, cry in shame, and beg for forgiveness.
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Now you have better idea why someone like me should remain single forever.
When I was with my recent ex, I engaged in self-destructive behaviors more often than I do now. There seem to be fewer triggers now that I’m single. Life seems more stable and my scapegoat is gone. I don’t feel desperate to hold onto a man or to make him suffer for making me suffer because there is no man. And there will never be one.
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Note: I’m not all bad, though.
Undateable October 30, 2007
When I talk to people who are happily married, engaged, or involved with a special someone, I can’t help but feel sad because I secretly know I will never experience any of this. I work very hard to get used to the idea of spending the rest of my life alone, yet when I look around and see so many people in love, I am reminded of what I can’t have and it hurts.
Sometimes I wish I were normal so that I could find (and keep) love. It would be wonderful to fall in love again. Why do I have to ruin every relationship I’m in? Why can’t I keep myself from being so needy, demanding, and difficult? I behave much better on my own. It is only when a man comes into the picture, a boyfriend to be exact, that I turn into a real pain in the ass.
What is it about having a boyfriend that makes me feel like I am entitled to make his life unbearable? I really don’t mean to hurt anyone. God knows I tried very hard to behave in my last relationship.
I’m better off alone. Men are better off without me. I know this. Every day I tell myself so. And I am doing the best I can to accept it. But it’s easier said than done. There are times when I think I can manage on my own and then there are times when I can’t bear to be so lonely. Damn this neediness.
I am better off alone, for my sake and other people’s sake. I should tattoo this statement on my forearm as a self-reminder and on my forehead as a warning to others, and wear a T-shirt that says, “I Bite – Run, Do Not Just Walk to the Nearest Exit.”
