Perfectionism Is A Disease July 27, 2008

My perfectionism seems to work three ways:

1. I set unreasonably high standards for myself.
2. I set unreasonably high standards for other people.
3. I believe others have extremely high standards for me.

Hence I am constantly judging myself, judging others, and thinking about how others are judging me.
 
Nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing a significant other does is ever good enough. Because I am an exacting and unforgiving judge, we’re doomed from the start. No matter how hard we tried, we could never achieve the unrealistic standards of perfection that I demand.
 
When you’re so used to judging yourself and others so stringently, you become convinced that this is the way the world operates. In my mind others are just as demanding as I am, and I feel considerable pressure from them to surpass their expectations. They’re watching me, evaluating me and expecting the world of me. I fear they will lose respect for me if I fail them, so I push myself relentlessly to avoid humiliation and gain their approval.
 
But often the pressure from both within and outside gets to be so overwhelming that I feel as if I can’t keep on going. I’m easily burned out. Easily disappointed. Being a perfectionist takes a toll on you. So many failures, yet so few successes, if any. Each failure is a massive blow to the self-esteem, bringing you closer to hopelessness and despair. You work hard, but you achieve nothing. You’re just madly going around in circles in a pointless and miserable process.
 
Perfectionism is a vicious disease. It eats you. Poisons you. Confines you. Defeats you. I can’t tell you how badly I want to break free. Every second of my existence I can see it working in action, preventing me from achieving my true potential, alienating me from the people I love, draining the energy out of me and destroying my will to continue living in this world.
 
Whenever I take actions to curb the disease, it’s there, laughing in my face as it screams “I am you! You can never get past me! Whatever you do, it will be MY doing!” Whenever I try to do the right thing, it always turns out to be the wrong thing. I can’t seem to be able to run away from perfectionism. Whatever I do –every word I utter, every action I take, every thought I have– seems to fueled by the disease.
 
So I’ve decided to go back to therapy. Now that I have a real job with health insurance, I have no excuse. I want to get better. I want to fight this sickness. And at this point I really see no other way.

Confessions After One Week At The New Job January 25, 2008

During weekdays I may have to half ass keeping this blog updated because I no longer have two hours to spare each day to write decent posts. So from now it’ll have to be mini posts, crap-quality posts (*anticipated gag*), or no posts at all.
 
I love my new job, but I HATE getting up at 6:25 a.m. (!) every morning. If I didn’t have my water-filled perfume spray on hand to shoot my face with water when that f** alarm goes off, I’d never manage to rise from my warm, comfy bed this inhumanely early.
 
At my new job, I have had to interact with fellow human beings (i.e., co-workers) quite a lot and I have actually found myself enjoying their company – oh, the travesty!
 
I don’t feel as lonely when I’m spending my evenings and weekends alone. It’s like I’m getting so much social interaction at work among my sweet and wonderful coworkers that I’m all socially interacted out by the end of it. Finding a boyfriend just doesn’t seem all that absolutely necessary – or appealing - anymore (OMG, I can’t believe I just said that!). These days I really just look forward to the time alone; I consider it my ‘me’ time: my time to recharge, relax, and do all the things I need to get done that I can’t do during my work days (e.g., exercise, blog, check email, work on my personal finances, go to the bank, etc).
 
My workplace is one helluva strict, organized, and structured place to be. There are so many rules, so many systems in place to be followed to the letter in complete obedience that it feels like being in a Catholic boarding school for girls. At first I hated the feeling of being overly restrained and controlled, but I’ve quickly gotten used to it and now I find it to be necessary. Thanks to our outstanding level of organization, we’re extremely efficient at what we do. I LOVE being a part of something that is so organized, so focused, and so well put together, especially when deadlines are pressing and the workload is growing. We’re really as efficient as a factory assembly line, only the work atmosphere among us is warm, convivial, and supportive.
 
I never thought I’d ever say this, but after having worked one week at this job, I can say two things: 1) I don’t hate people 2) all women are not evil

Is This What They Call A Can-Do Attitude? January 20, 2008

There is a God and right now I must be his favorite child because I was offered the job. 
 
On Wednesday, I had an interview with the HR person. I was made to take a series of timed problem-solving tests and then I met the owner and manager of the small company who interviewed me as well. While I don’t think I did so hot on the tests, in both interviews I conducted myself in a poised, positive, and friendly manner and made a very good impression – the preparation paid off. I was asked to come back the next day for a group interview with the employees.
 
At the group interview, I found myself comfortably fielding questions from six women and asking questions of my own. Considering the circumstances and my long-standing fear of group situations, things went surprisingly well… So well in fact that the manager called me on Friday and extended the offer to hire me. (I’d like to thank Xanax for playing a BIG part in helping me get this job.)
 
So now I don’t just have a job, but the PERMANENT full-time job WITH BENEFITS that I had wanted so bad for so long. Goodbye staffing agencies! Goodbye temporary assignments! Goodbye contracts! Goodbye irregular, late, or bouncing paychecks! Goodbye uncertainty! Goodbye inconvenience! 
 
And as if it weren’t enough blessings for one day, at my new job I won’t just be a mere administrative assistant; I will learn how to do accounting, payroll, and tax work! Since I know nothing about those things, I’ll be starting from stratch, but as time progresses, I will accrue more knowledge, more experience. This position, unlike any other that I would ever have considered applying for, will give me the opportunity to move forward into a more rewarding career than what I had imagined for myself.
 
I think this new year ushers in a time of change, a time to move beyond the self-sabotaging stagnant mediocrity I’ve imposed on myself for so long because I had so little confidence in myself and so little faith in what the future could bring. Taking on this job will be the first step to convincing myself that I can go beyond what I know I’m 100% capable of doing, that I have what it takes to do more challenging tasks than what I’m used to doing, and that I can succeed if I apply my enthusiasm and conscientiousness to my new responsibilities.
 
I’m scared of change. I’m scared of challenge. But I CAN DO THIS. I’ve never done it, but I can do it. I don’t know how to do it yet, but that’s okay because in this job I’m going to learn from the very beginning. I am like a baby who’s about to learn how to walk. After months and months of barely crawling, I’m finally standing up on my two feet. I’m ready to walk. I’m ready to move forward. And maybe one day I’m going to be able to run!

2008 New Year’s Resolutions January 17, 2008

January 17. I hope it isn’t too late for this…
 
● In 2008 I will find a permanent job (edit: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!) and I will actually work hard at it
 
● In 2008 I will not obsess over my blog statistics – or over how often I post
 
● In 2008 I will make an effort to reply to emails, even if it is just to say ‘thank you’
 
● In 2008 I will read every book I buy, including those I bought in the last three years and haven’t read yet
 
● In 2008 I will keep a record of every book I read
 
● In 2008 I will keep a record of every movie I watch
 
● In 2008 I will not be rude or hostile to fellow movie goers who insist on sitting right next to me
 
● In 2008 I will be nicer to people in general and replace my trademark what-the-hell-are-you-looking-at stare with a softer smile
 
● In 2008 I will not binge on sweets (starting today)
 
● In 2008 I will devote more time to making handmade cards, even if I’ve got no one to give them to
 
● In 2008 I will attend at least one outing organized by a social networking group
 
● In 2008 I will make an honest effort to make at least one new friend and keep in touch with him/her
 
● In 2008 I will go out salsa dancing again, even if it has to be by myself
 
● In 2008 I will take a jazz dance and/or hip hop class
 
● In 2008 I will get back into yoga to become more flexible and reduce stress
 
● In 2008 I will train to run longer and faster
 
● In 2008 I will make efforts to be kinder to my lazy, overweight cat
 
● In 2008 I will sign up for a series of classes and go to at least 50% of them
 
● In 2008 I will not sleep past 10 am
 
● In 2008 I will not take 2-hour (or longer) afternoon naps
 
● In 2008 I will try to make my bed once a month
 
● In 2008 I will reduce the ridiculous amount of time I waste on the web
 
● In 2008 I will shower no less than every other day, even if it’s freezing out and I’m too bloody cold to get naked
 
● In 2008 I will make sure my belly becomes as flat as a pancake
 
● In 2008 I will find a man to fulfill my romantic fantasies

Called for First Interview Ever January 15, 2008

I have an interview… finally! My very first (official) interview ever. This one is for an administrative assistant position at an accounting/payroll company. I totally didn’t expect it to happen. I applied for the job last night while I was on a roll, mindlessly going through ads and applying for whatever I thought I might have a slight shot at. Who would have thought I’d be contacted?! Miracles do happen. 
 
What a boost to the self-esteem! Not to mention a much needed picker-upper. For two days I was sick and miserable with a nasty sinus infection, which finally got better today after I somehow managed to get rid of the monstrous-looking mucous plug that was fiercely stuck somewhere between the back of my nose and the top of my throat. (I can thank my unemployed homebound time, and massive consumption of warm tea, for such a quick recovery.) Now that I’ve got a job interview on the agenda, I feel almost as good as new!
 
Time to get out of gelatinous time mode and get cranking! My ex has graciously agreed to do a mock phone interview with me tonight. But first I’ve got to draw up every potential interview question I can find online and prepare solid answers for them. By the end of it I should have a pretty mighty compilation of interview questions and answers. Then I’m going to practice and try to memorize everything until I’ve got the whole act to a perfect T, from words to facial expressions, pauses to intonations (think Tilda Swinton’s character in the movie Michael Clayton).
 
This is how I used to prepare for speeches in school. I actually gave some surprisingly compelling speeches as a result of all this intense preparation. I looked so confident speaking that no one watching me could have guessed I had social anxiety. Hard to imagine, now that I’ve become a complete recluse, but true.
 
I am not going to care if I don’t actually get this job. For one thing I’m not crazy about it; it’s really just another administrative job among many. And then this will be my first interview, so it’s alright if I don’t nail it the first time around. I am going to view this interview as a learning and practice opportunity, a research experiment to conduct trials and gather data. I have to think of it as a no-lose situation so that I don’t get disappointed if I fail to achieve the desired results.
 
Of course, for the experiment to actually happen, I will have to pop a Xanax pill one hour beforehand…

Why I Make A Good Girlfriend, Too December 2, 2007

Though I made a list of the reasons why no one should date me, I’m really not ALL bad. Amidst all the bad, there is some good in me. Here are reasons why:
 
● I’m a committed girlfriend; I take relationships seriously.
 
● My boyfriend is the number one priority in my life.
 
● I can be extremely sweet, caring, doting, and affectionate.
 
● I often tell my boyfriend how much I care about him.
 
● I send him love letters and emails to express my sentiments
 
● I love to go all out during special occasions. I’m very romantic and I like to create beautiful memories.
 
● I never forget important dates like his birthday or our anniversary. On those days I like to make him feel very special and lavish him with presents and extra attention.
 
● I love to surprise my boyfriend with little romantic gifts and gestures just because. I’m quite thoughtful like that.
 
● I give him handmade cards and scrapbooks about our memories together.
 
● I will take care of him when he’s sick, listen to him when he’s going through some tough moments, be there by his side when he needs me, etc. I may not really know how to truly empathize, but I can sympathize. I am fiercely loyal and believe it is my duty as a girlfriend to be his right arm. Also, I keep in mind that if I treat him well in times like these, he’ll treat me well, too, when I go through such times.
 
● I will not take my boyfriend’s paying for dinners, movies, trips and other activities for granted. I always make it a point to offer to pay and will often stand my ground on splitting costs evenly in the middle. For one it would be impolite to assume he’ll take care of everything. Secondly I’d feel guilty if he paid for me too often. And while I don’t make much money, I want to show him that I am financially self-reliant.
 
● I’m always on time for dates.
 
● I’m a master planner. I will meticulously plan dates, trips, and special events. I think of everything.
 
● I’m a master organizer. I can organize my significant other’s apartment inside out. I will help him get organized if he needs it (i.e. if he always has trouble finding his keys).
 
● I will help clean, do laundry, paint his place, and do other stuff around the house if he needs me to. I’d do anything I can to help him.
 
● I have an amazing sense of style, aesthetics, and colors. I make the perfect shopping companion, a great personal stylist, and a pretty decent interior decorator.
 
● I remember things for him. I provide first-class reminder services.
 
● I can also provide fairly good proofreading services.
 
● I’m a very frugal person. I can show him how to live frugally and save money!
 
● I can be surprisingly wise and rational, and can provide good advice when he needs help making decisions.
 
● I’m not always all business and no play. I like to goof around every once in a while and act stupid.
 
● I can be really fun to be with. I’m bubbly, playful and I can be quite silly.
 
● I laugh at pretty much anything. It’s really easy to make me laugh.
 
● I’m lots of fun in the bedroom department (at least that’s what I’ve been told).
  
● If I promise I’m going to do something, such as lose weight or take him on a trip, I will do it. I always do everything I can to keep my word. If I know I can’t do something, I would not promise it.
 
● I don’t lie. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong. I wouldn’t want him to lie to me, so why would I lie to him? Besides I am not a good liar. I think people can always tell when I’m lying. And lies always catch up with you in the long run. Honesty is definitely the way to go.
 
● I’m very open. I don’t feel comfortable hiding things, especially wrongdoings. It feels wrong and weighs heavily on my conscience.
 
● I try as much as I can to be open with my feelings, too. Communication is very important to me and is the only way problems within the relationship can be solved.
  
● I don’t cheat. Cheating on one’s significant other is one of the worst offenses ever. I really don’t tolerate it and I certainly will not engage in that kind of behavior. I think not cheating is a matter of self-restraint, self-discipline, and avoiding situations that may lead to the act. I have NEVER cheated and I NEVER will. No one I’ve dated has EVER cheated on me.
 
● I acknowledge that I have issues and while I’m not always willing to seek treatment, I’m aware of the wrong I do and always apologize sincerely after I’ve misbehaved
 
● Deep down, I really do care about my boyfriend and don’t want to hurt him.
  
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Of course, most of this really only applies to boyfriends. I’m definitely not that nice, fun, playful, attentive, caring, doting, generous, and helpful with other people. But then again I’m not that mean and crazy with other people either. I’m really a completely different person with most people - a shy, mute, boring, serious, apathetic wallflower, you might say.

Exercise Diary #7 – Let’s Keep Up The Good Work November 20, 2007

I certainly worked my back and shoulders today. When I extend my arms out to the side, I can feel a smooth lump between my neck and my shoulders. The curve feels beautiful and sensuous to the touch. Firm and sinewy yet still soft and delicate.
 
This is what I’d like my entire body to feel like one day.
 
Already I am excited to feel curves taking shape on my belly. Along the sides and middle of my upper midriff, gentle concaves have formed. Casting shadows on the wide expanse of flesh, these little nooks have added another visual dimension to what was only a month ago just a large shapeless piece of pudge.
 
The buckets of sweat I’ve shed in the last four weeks whipping my body into shape are slowly paying off. I swear it gets harder and harder to be tempted to feed your body crap again when you know you’ve just gone through hell just to get to this point. Am I a health nut/fitness freak yet? At the rate I’m going, I sure am on my way. But you know what? It feels and looks a zillion times better than being a couch potato/fat ass, so I really don’t care.

DSM-IV Does Not Fully Define Me October 19, 2007

Ok, enough excitement about my NPD self-diagnosis.  I probably sound like an emotionless robot when I get into the tedious self-analysis. In any case I’m getting burned out by the whole thing.
 
I’ve decided that I am not going to let myself be defined by the diagnostic criteria set forth by the DSM-IV. These guidelines are really there for clinicians and insurance companies so that they can agree on something and make the appropriate decisions. Though they can serve as a foundation to understand some parts of myself, in no way do they represent the entire being that I am. I’m more than the criteria listed in the NPD, AvPD,  dysthymia, or whatever other condition(s) I may have.
 
Underneath all these labels, underneath all these flaws and these defects, I am still a human being like everyone else.
 
————–
 
Well, this is about the most positive thing I’ve said in months. Let us treasure this rare moment of enlightenment.