The New Me! December 20, 2008

My last post was five months ago. I’m not going to bother going over what I’ve been up to since July because I doubt anyone has waited around long enough for me to return from wherever I’ve been.
 
All I can is that I’ve changed. For the better! I feel, think and even act like a new person. I have therapy, but mostly hard work to thank for that. Of course that isn’t to say I’m ‘cured.’ The fact is there’s no such thing as a cure. As human beings we’re always evolving, learning, working to improve ourselves so that we feel good about ourselves and the world we live in. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that happiness is not a state to be achieved, but  a continuous process, a journey through the ups and downs, the twists and turns.
 
For far too long I was passively waiting and hoping to reach happiness as if it were a sort of climax in which all the right circumstances aligned themselves into place. As it turns out happiness is actually within closer reach than I had imagined and expected it would be. It’s in the small moments, the now, the here. It’s in the smile someone returns when I smile at them, the deep breaths my lungs take, the rays of sunshine flooding a room, the laughter shared with people whose company I enjoy, and so many other little things I often overlooked for what I thought were the bigger, more important matters in life.
 
I thought a successful career, fulfilling love and financial comfort were the key ingredients to a happy existence. I thought if I achieved those things, I would finally be happy. The truth is I don’t need any of these ‘external’ things to be happy. As cliché as it sounds, happiness really does come from within.
 
I’ve worked very hard these past few months to make peace with myself and  accept myself a bit more each day just as I am, flaws and all. Through persistent practice, I’ve learned to ‘drop’ and ride through every troubled feeling triggered by each and every disruptive thought, action or interpersonal interaction. By striving to maintain a fully relaxed physiological state regardless of what befalls, I have gradually acquired the ability to take life in stride and stay cool even under fire.
 
Today life no longer seems as stressful, demanding and unbearable. I’m better able to face the unpredictabilities that once used to throw me in shambles. I’m no longer afraid of the future because I am focused on feeling good in the present.
 
When I feel emotional disruption arising, I drop by focusing on getting my breathing and body completely relaxed so that any tension slowly melts away and I am able to think clearly again. I used to hold my breath when I was upset, sad or angry. My muscles would tense up and I would have trouble swallowing. My heart would either beat madly or be completely numb.
 
I still experience these symptoms every once in a while, but now that I am aware of them, I know to mitigate and even stop them when they arise. I’m not always successful. Having accumulated so many years of emotional baggage makes it difficult to get through every layer of hurt for each given drop. Some drops take a couple of minutes; others take a week. The more I drop, though, the quicker I am able to get through those layers. Each time the upsetting thought or situation occurs, I’m able to drop a little bit deeper, a little tiny bit faster.
 
For some instances, I’ve managed to get through all the layers and I can now drop through them almost instantly. The layers seem to get thinner as you keep dropping through them, drop after drop. It takes practice and persistence. It also takes a firm dedication to stomping the critical inner voice that works very hard to unravel your efforts.
 
I’ve come to realize that my critical voice is absolutely worthless; it thinks and speaks like it knows it all, yet all it speaks is slander. Touting its beliefs based for the most part on false premises and unfounded assumptions, it often sounds absurd! Why on earth would I continue listening to it?
 
I’m still working through the dropping. It’s a work in progress. There are so many things that still bring me turmoil that I haven’t yet managed to entirely drop through. But the beauty of this experience is that it all comes from me. No one, not my therapist nor the best self-help literature on the market, has been telling me what to say, think or do.
 
At the end of each drop, when my mind is absolutely clear and I’m perfectly calm, thoughts and ideas of my very own come to the surface. When I listen to these thoughts and ideas, which come from a place of inner peace, actions that exhibit self-esteem naturally follow. I’m not doing what anyone thinks I should do; I am doing what I want to do based on what only I know in my heart is best for me. I am listening to my true inner voice. I am making my own decisions without second guessing myself.
 
As a newly improved individual, I’m turning the page and starting a new chapter in this blog.