I’m 29 years old and I’m still single. There are days when I feel sorry for myself and I think I’ve wasted my twenties being in relationships I shouldn’t have been in the first place. But then I realize that these ‘failed’ relationships were part of my dating education. They’re an important part of my quest to find Mr. Right, but even more importantly, to find myself.
Today I am wiser and more mature when it comes to dating and life in general. Because I’ve learned from my past dating experiences, I am less likely to repeat the foolish mistakes I made when I was younger and more naive.
The attributes that I’m looking for in a man are also more rooted in reality than in fantasy. In my twenties I was looking for a knight in shining armor, a sweet, tall, handsome man making a good living who’d sweep me off my feet, take care of me and make me happy. These days I’m looking for something more substantial, not to mention realistic. I want someone who’s mature and responsible, balanced and happy, honest and genuine, considerate and kind. I would rather be with someone who shares my principles and ideals than someone who looks like he spends hours at the gym. I would rather be with someone whom I could see myself peacefully growing old with than someone who would ignite sparks that may not even last.
As I continue working towards a more confident, well-rounded self, I know I am taking closer steps to finding Mr. Right. By being healthy, I will attract healthy relationships. It all starts with me. When I learn to be happy on my own, to be confident in the person I am, to live life to the fullest without a man, the right man will find his way to my heart when I least expect it.
The most important realization is that I don’t need a man to be happy. I am the only person in this world who can make me happy. If I can’t be happy on my own, then I can’t possibly be happy with any man. As I mentioned in my last post, self-esteem comes from within and cannot be created from the outside.
I need to love myself first and foremost. Unlike what I had always believed, it’s not selfish to put myself first. When I truly know and believe in myself, I will follow through with what I feel is best for me. I will no longer feel the need to please or impress people, compare myself to my peers, or follow the dictates of society.
What do I truly want? What do I feel is best for me? No one else but me can answer these questions for me. I will listen to my own voice. When it comes from a source of inner peace, it is wise and true. When it comes from a place of turmoil and agitation, however, it is often irresponsible and misleading. I will know the difference and always strive to maintain the inner peace necessary to make the right decisions.
I don’t need marriage. I’m perfectly fine on my own. Desperation is what leads many women to jump into marriages that turn out to be unhappy. I refuse to marry (or date!) anyone out of desperation. Marriage is a lifelong commitment; I would be signing my own death warrant by marrying a man either out of desperation or fear of loneliness. And I will not waste more months of my life dating someone whom I know is not right for me simply because I’m too scared to be alone.
No, I would rather be on my own, living fully and happily. Starting tonight, I will stop worrying about the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone. The more I keep mulling over it, the less time I will have to enjoy life! And the less I enjoy life, the less likely I would be to have (or notice!) anyone falling in love with me. I will eliminate the time-wasting thought process completely and instead focus on building a happy, fulfilling existence on my own. Maybe the right man will come along or maybe he won’t. It doesn’t really matter, does it, if I’m perfectly happy by myself?
Happily Single at 29 December 28, 2008
The New Me! December 20, 2008
My last post was five months ago. I’m not going to bother going over what I’ve been up to since July because I doubt anyone has waited around long enough for me to return from wherever I’ve been.
All I can is that I’ve changed. For the better! I feel, think and even act like a new person. I have therapy, but mostly hard work to thank for that. Of course that isn’t to say I’m ‘cured.’ The fact is there’s no such thing as a cure. As human beings we’re always evolving, learning, working to improve ourselves so that we feel good about ourselves and the world we live in. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that happiness is not a state to be achieved, but a continuous process, a journey through the ups and downs, the twists and turns.
For far too long I was passively waiting and hoping to reach happiness as if it were a sort of climax in which all the right circumstances aligned themselves into place. As it turns out happiness is actually within closer reach than I had imagined and expected it would be. It’s in the small moments, the now, the here. It’s in the smile someone returns when I smile at them, the deep breaths my lungs take, the rays of sunshine flooding a room, the laughter shared with people whose company I enjoy, and so many other little things I often overlooked for what I thought were the bigger, more important matters in life.
I thought a successful career, fulfilling love and financial comfort were the key ingredients to a happy existence. I thought if I achieved those things, I would finally be happy. The truth is I don’t need any of these ‘external’ things to be happy. As cliché as it sounds, happiness really does come from within.
I’ve worked very hard these past few months to make peace with myself and accept myself a bit more each day just as I am, flaws and all. Through persistent practice, I’ve learned to ‘drop’ and ride through every troubled feeling triggered by each and every disruptive thought, action or interpersonal interaction. By striving to maintain a fully relaxed physiological state regardless of what befalls, I have gradually acquired the ability to take life in stride and stay cool even under fire.
Today life no longer seems as stressful, demanding and unbearable. I’m better able to face the unpredictabilities that once used to throw me in shambles. I’m no longer afraid of the future because I am focused on feeling good in the present.
When I feel emotional disruption arising, I drop by focusing on getting my breathing and body completely relaxed so that any tension slowly melts away and I am able to think clearly again. I used to hold my breath when I was upset, sad or angry. My muscles would tense up and I would have trouble swallowing. My heart would either beat madly or be completely numb.
I still experience these symptoms every once in a while, but now that I am aware of them, I know to mitigate and even stop them when they arise. I’m not always successful. Having accumulated so many years of emotional baggage makes it difficult to get through every layer of hurt for each given drop. Some drops take a couple of minutes; others take a week. The more I drop, though, the quicker I am able to get through those layers. Each time the upsetting thought or situation occurs, I’m able to drop a little bit deeper, a little tiny bit faster.
For some instances, I’ve managed to get through all the layers and I can now drop through them almost instantly. The layers seem to get thinner as you keep dropping through them, drop after drop. It takes practice and persistence. It also takes a firm dedication to stomping the critical inner voice that works very hard to unravel your efforts.
I’ve come to realize that my critical voice is absolutely worthless; it thinks and speaks like it knows it all, yet all it speaks is slander. Touting its beliefs based for the most part on false premises and unfounded assumptions, it often sounds absurd! Why on earth would I continue listening to it?
I’m still working through the dropping. It’s a work in progress. There are so many things that still bring me turmoil that I haven’t yet managed to entirely drop through. But the beauty of this experience is that it all comes from me. No one, not my therapist nor the best self-help literature on the market, has been telling me what to say, think or do.
At the end of each drop, when my mind is absolutely clear and I’m perfectly calm, thoughts and ideas of my very own come to the surface. When I listen to these thoughts and ideas, which come from a place of inner peace, actions that exhibit self-esteem naturally follow. I’m not doing what anyone thinks I should do; I am doing what I want to do based on what only I know in my heart is best for me. I am listening to my true inner voice. I am making my own decisions without second guessing myself.
As a newly improved individual, I’m turning the page and starting a new chapter in this blog.
