Why does uncertainty seem so terrifying? I can’t think of the future without an oppressive feeling of dread. Life is filled with so many surprises and unexpected turns. I need to be able to trace the exact course of my existence. The thought of not knowing what is going to happen is too unbearable.
A few years ago I made a vow with myself to take my own life at some point or another. For me it’s like looking into a crystal ball and being able to see what the future holds. I know the ending to my story before it’s happened. Thinking about it gives me a sense of mastery over my existence.
To most people it’ll seem like a lame and pathetic ambition. The act of ending your life so that you can be in control of your destiny is a very selfish, heartless thing to do. But as someone with OCPD, I think it’s rational. To me it makes perfect sense. I wouldn’t take my life on an impulse to end my pain or seek revenge on anyone –though I must admit I have been tempted to. No, my life’s ultimate pursuit is to be in control. By being able to end my life whenever I so choose, I feel as though I can achieve that goal. We’re all mere mortals and we’re all going to die anyway. Barring any life-taking accidents or sudden illnesses, I’d like to decide when I die and how I die.
Whenever I’m ready to go, I want to be able to just go. Dying fulfilled means dying knowing that I was able to control my destiny.
In Control of My Destiny July 28, 2008
Comments Off
