Awaiting the Coup de Grace February 25, 2008

I’ve been meaning to write for some time now, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to put any of my thoughts into words (and really haven’t had the time for it).
 
I’ve been at my job for a little over a month now and as things stand I’m really hoping I’ll be fired. Though I haven’t gotten to the point of half assing the work yet, in less than a couple of weeks, my attitude has gone from friendly and motivated to apathetic and unenthusiastic. Call it evidence of self-sabotage, but it’s gotten pretty obvious I don’t care much about the job.
 
Not only can I not stand my boss, but now I can’t stand my coworkers either, which probably sounds stupid because a month ago when I first started the job, I had nothing but praise for them. I find it so frustrating and disappointing that once you actually get to know people, they can be so drastically unlike what you had hoped and imagined them to be. 
 
I feel so drained. The tension that exists between my coworkers and me is becoming too much to bear. I can sense that they don’t think too well of me and I think they can sense I don’t think too well of them either. I feel so different from them, as if I came from another planet altogether. But I’m neither interested in being like them nor being friends with them. All I want to do is get out of there as soon as I can and run away as far as I can from them.
 
Maybe I’m like that with mankind in general. Maybe my expectations of people are unrealistically high. Maybe I am incapable of coexisting in harmony with other human beings, especially in tight-knit environments.  
 
I wish they’d just fire me, get it over with. Clearly I’m not the kind of person they were looking for. They’re much better off without me.
 
Of course I’m not going to quit because that would make me a quitter – and I’ve done enough of that in my lifetime. No, I’d rather wait until they fire me. I’ll keep giving them a little help, though, by being a less than ideal employee, which isn’t very difficult since I truly am not the self-starting, motivated, energetic, outspoken, gregarious, and fun kind of employee they were hoping to get when they hired me. (Damn, I really fooled them at the interviews.)