I’ve been meaning to write for some time now, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to put any of my thoughts into words (and really haven’t had the time for it).
I’ve been at my job for a little over a month now and as things stand I’m really hoping I’ll be fired. Though I haven’t gotten to the point of half assing the work yet, in less than a couple of weeks, my attitude has gone from friendly and motivated to apathetic and unenthusiastic. Call it evidence of self-sabotage, but it’s gotten pretty obvious I don’t care much about the job.
Not only can I not stand my boss, but now I can’t stand my coworkers either, which probably sounds stupid because a month ago when I first started the job, I had nothing but praise for them. I find it so frustrating and disappointing that once you actually get to know people, they can be so drastically unlike what you had hoped and imagined them to be.
I feel so drained. The tension that exists between my coworkers and me is becoming too much to bear. I can sense that they don’t think too well of me and I think they can sense I don’t think too well of them either. I feel so different from them, as if I came from another planet altogether. But I’m neither interested in being like them nor being friends with them. All I want to do is get out of there as soon as I can and run away as far as I can from them.
Maybe I’m like that with mankind in general. Maybe my expectations of people are unrealistically high. Maybe I am incapable of coexisting in harmony with other human beings, especially in tight-knit environments.
I wish they’d just fire me, get it over with. Clearly I’m not the kind of person they were looking for. They’re much better off without me.
Of course I’m not going to quit because that would make me a quitter – and I’ve done enough of that in my lifetime. No, I’d rather wait until they fire me. I’ll keep giving them a little help, though, by being a less than ideal employee, which isn’t very difficult since I truly am not the self-starting, motivated, energetic, outspoken, gregarious, and fun kind of employee they were hoping to get when they hired me. (Damn, I really fooled them at the interviews.)
Awaiting the Coup de Grace February 25, 2008
Wherever I Go These Things Must Follow February 5, 2008
♦ My glasses – I can’t see far. And my allergy-prone eyes don’t seem to like contacts.
♦ Calendars – I’ve got one in my kitchen, one in my bedroom, and one in my bathroom. I have to know what day it is today, what day it will be next week, and what day it will be in one month even when I’m brushing my teeth. It’s fundamental to my sanity.
♦ Watch / clocks - My life runs on a schedule, so knowing the time at all times is very important. I feel lost when I don’t know what time it is. I have three (nearly identical) watches that I can use plus one stop watch, and of course, my cell phone. At home I keep one clock in every room.
♦ Calculator – I can’t count mentally and I don’t have enough fingers on my hand. I get really frustrated when I have to calculate something (e.g., tip) and don’t have a calculator handy. Thank goodness my cell phone has a calculator (and tip!) function.
♦ My cell phone – Not for the phone feature – hardly anyone calls me and I hardly call anyone, but for its portable clock, calendar, calculator functions. Very convenient to have one tool to fulfill so many of my most basic needs.
♦ Internet – I feel stranded when I’m offline. The internet helps me stay connected with the rest of the world. And it lets me check the weather at any moment of the day/night in any location of the world, if I so need it.
♦ Chapstick – It seems that the more I use it, the more I need to use it. I don’t know what they put in it, but I’m hooked for life. I need at least two tubes of the stuff to feel peace of mind.
♦ Ear plugs – I can’t get a wink of sleep without them. All the noise must be blocked out for me to be able to fall asleep. (It used to be that I also needed an eye mask to sleep, but I had to learn to get over wearing it once I discovered that it was exacerbating my acne/rosacea symptoms.)
♦ Notepad/notebook (preferably attractive-looking and college-ruled) & a black rollerball or gel pen – To write lists, important reminders, notes, and random thoughts. The pretty notebook and rollerball/gel pen are to incite pleasure and delight.
♦ Nivea – The thick white cream is the only thing that can make my dry, ashy hands feel smooth. And somehow it also gives me a cool, then warm, soothing feeling when I lather it on. I love the tiny trial-size tins. They’re soooo cute and they fit in my pocket, so I can carry them everywhere!
♦ iPod – What would life be without music? (Dry.) Music breathes soul into life. I can’t imagine exercising without music, dancing without music, or just living without music.
Exercise Diary #8 – Overdue Fitness Update February 2, 2008
I can’t believe my last exercise diary entry was on November 20, 2007. Overall I’d say that despite a couple of temporary setbacks, I’ve made quite a lot of progress since then.
There was a brief period in early January, right after the holiday season was over, when I sort of let myself go by eating too much and exercising only two to three times a week. But, after gaining a couple pounds soon thereafter, I realized that I couldn’t afford to get off track. It seems that if I go more than two days without exercising, I gain weight and become really really lazy. So lazy that I don’t feel like going back to the gym and then gain even more weight!
To prevent myself from going down that dangerous slope, I’ve made it a point to exercise 5 to 6 times a week. It’s really the only way to keep my weight and energy level stable. It seems hard, but once you’re on a roll, it’s not that difficult.
I’ve found it extremely helpful to create my own fitness schedule because it was getting too hard to keep track of the weight training for the different body groups. It’s helped me stay organized, but also more focused and motivated. Having a weight training schedule has prevented me from neglecting, or on the flip side of the coin, overworking, a particular body part. And when the entire body is worked on such a systematic basis, the results become apparent quicker.
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My current fitness schedule:
Tuesday – 30-minute cardio: treadmill or elliptical
Strength training: back, chest
Wednesday – 30-minute cardio: high-intensity dancing (at home)
Strength training: arms, shoulders, and abs
Thursday – Strength training: legs, buttocks
Total body deep stretch
Friday – 30-minute cardio: treadmill
Strength training: arms, shoulders, and abs
Saturday – 1-hour yoga class
Strength training: back, chest
Sunday – 30-minute cardio: jump rope and misc. exercises (outdoors, weather permitting)
Strength training: legs, buttocks, and abs
Monday – Rest / makeup day
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Along the way I’ve discovered that doing a variety of things helps keep my exercise regimen more fun and interesting. For weight training, I’ve not just been using free weights and weight machines, but also doing traditional exercises like pushups, squats, and elbow planks, which are more often than not, more effective than weight machines. I’m looking into adding more props like the exercise ball, medicine ball, and resistance bands to spice up my routines.
For both strength and flexibility, I’ve been taking a weekly yoga class at my local gym. It’s been quite a welcome addition. For cardio, I’ve recently introduced rope jumping as well as high-intensity dancing into my fitness plan, and plan to do more outdoor cardio activities once the weather warms up. My hope is to finally get myself that bicycle I’ve wanted for so long and bike outside when spring comes!
Finally, I’m very keen on trying out different types of dance classes like hip-hop and jazz once my first paycheck kicks in. (Tonight I’m going out salsa dancing, so that’ll count as cardio, too, woot!)
One of the Christmas presents I got was a 2-year subcription to Oxygen, THE best fitness magazine for women that is currently sold on the US market. This is a high-quality magazine for women who are serious about getting in shape and don’t want any of that useless crap usually found in other fitness magazines such as relationship advice, fashion tips, and other irrelevant fluffy stuff. I’ve found the detailed workout sections very helpful.
But I’ve also been using the internet for workout ideas, particularly for strength training. I like some of the articles in the workout section of the Women’s Health website (the website practically has all the articles the magazine contains, so it’s kind of a waste to susbcribe to the magazine). They’ve got an online newletter you can subscribe to for free, which contains links to some great articles on nutrition, health, and fitness. It’s rare that I’d want to open links in the online newletters I receive, but with the Woman’s Health newletters, I often do because they relate to interesting content.
I’ve come a long way since the days when I loathed exercise with a passion, couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like I was going to pass out, and had fat jiggling all over my body. Now I feel great. My body feels great. When you’re fit, you feel like you can do more – get up earlier, walk farther, carry heavier things, clean the house faster – because you’ve now got more energy, strength, and stamina than ever before.
They used to tell me exercise was one of the best treatments for depression and at the time I staunchly refused to believe them, thinking that nothing would EVER make me feel better, but now I am fully converted to the belief that exercise is THE most effective weapon, along with a healthy diet (and a good dose of zzzz), in the battle against depression.
