Well, I quit the nightmare customer service-oriented job after just one day on it. The decision brought me HUGE relief, but it’s also left me unemployed, which in turn has made me feel pretty shitty (i.e., depressed).
The uncertainty of the future has been overwhelming. I can’t bear not knowing when my next paycheck will come. I can’t bear the possibility that all the hard work I spent making sure my finances were in order may unravel sooner or later. I feel like a bomb is ticking and it’s only a matter of time before I lose control over everything.
I feel so powerless, so worthless. The world keeps on turning, life keeps on going, yet I feel so hopelessly unprepared for it. I desperately wish I could stop time or bring it back so I could get everything together just right before it started running again.
Every day I apply for jobs and no one ever bothers to reply. My self-esteem takes a hit each day that goes by without an answer. I know I’m incompetent, but this total lack of response makes me feel ten times more incompetent. What a way to remind me of the waste of 28 years.
I anxiously wait for the phone to ring. My temp agencies are most likely my only hope of ever finding a job. And they are the only ones who can give me short-term assignments, which will help buy me more time. My whole life depends on them.
During this period of purgatory waiting, I organize my apartment to keep myself distracted and give myself some semblance of control. While I can’t directly affect the outcome of my job search, I can improve the appearance of my closets and the efficiency with which I can find things in them. Of course, there’s also the other, less practical, alternative, which has become more inviting as of late: to stay in bed all day, aimlessly mulling over my desire to cease to live this hopeless failure of an existence.
Unemployed January 10, 2008
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