Help, My Boss May Be OCPD, too! January 31, 2008

I call her the matron mother. Friendly on the surface, but fiercely stern and controlling at the core. 
 
As an OCPD person myself, I like rules, but somehow when she makes them, I find myself seething with passive-aggressive rage.
 
Examples of work rules I could do without:

• Thou shalt not eat at your desk and store food anywhere but in the kitchen
• Thou shalt not use touch your cell phone at all except before 8 a.m., during your 30-minute lunch break, and after 5:30 p.m. This includes not glancing at it even if only for a nano second or keeping it anywhere within sight. (Should this rule be broken, a new rule will have to go into effect in which all cell phones will have to be placed in a big black box upon entering the premises.)
• Thou shalt not make or receive any personal calls on company phones
• Thou shalt not use the internet for personal use (including email)
• Thou shalt clear your desk at the end of each work day (or Matron Mother will get on your case non-stop until you clear it)
• Thou shalt clean/dust your desk every Friday with Windex and a duster
• Thou shalt write with green pen only
• Thou shalt not bring smelly foods to work (i.e., fish and blue cheese are out)
• Thou shalt write a to-do list for each work day and share it with your boss and coworkers at every morning meeting, supposedly so that “everyone” knows what you’re going to be doing all day
• Thou shalt not take any vacation until you’ve been employed at least one year
• If though shalt take more than 4 hours of sick/personal leave per day thou shalt not be paid for the time off 
• Thou shalt work 45 hours a week, from 8:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. and always arrive and leave ON TIME
• Thou shalt come to work even if case of floods, blizzards, earthquakes, and other natural disasters
• Thou shalt not have an attitude with verbally abusive customers unless you’re the boss (in which case you can – be as mean as need be and even hang up the phone in their face)

Rules that are not officially written, but might as well…

• When you’re at work, no life exists outside of the office walls. You are the company’s hostage
• You’d better leave everything in the office in its proper place and do everything exactly as is expected or ocpd boss will freak (the f*ck) out and give you a hard time
• Keep busy at all times; you never know when the boss is going to be standing right behind you, checking up on you
• When boss pays you one of her frequent surprise visits, you’d better be doing something useful and be able to convince her of your usefulness
• Forget you need to pee or hold it in as long as possible. Makes you look more hard-working.
• Gobble down your snacks as fast as you can – before boss starts to wonder what you’re up to and finds the need to come up with a rule to limit snack time.
• Don’t be surprised when new rules are created. You can’t expect to have fun in prison.
• Don’t try to hide anything under your desk – boss will go through your stuff and find it (that’s how she found my snacks and passed the no-eating-at-your-desk regulation)
• It’s okay to be a neat/organized freak. In fact it earns you brownie points.
• The boss’ word is law. Don’t EVER break it. Or she’ll pass more laws to make sure the original law is enforced.
• Company outings/trips are not optional (even if boss may claim they are)
• Do not mistake your boss’ friendliness for leniency. Leniency doesn’t exist as long as she’s around.

The woman is driving me crazy. Just two weeks on the job and I’ve already been looking at ads for payroll/accounting positions I might – finally - be qualified for in 1? 2? years when I get out of this prison ward. I guess all will depend on how long I can stand living under Matron Mother’s autocratic rule. Bleh.

A Month in Movies January 26, 2008

It’s been a relatively light movie-watching month compared to previous ones. I guess I’ve been busy!
 

 
Notes to self: Can we say what horrid handwriting this is? I can’t believe I wrote this. I can’t believe I am publishing this. Next time we’ll have to try to use the neat and pretty handwriting, the one reserved to impress people, the one that takes me light years to write. Oh and now I know what pen to use when I write next month’s list – my favorite all-purpose pen: the black Uni-ball Vision, fine point. It doesn’t beat fountain pens, which hold a special place in my romantic hopeless heart, but for something as mundane as writing lists, it’s a dream to write with!

Confessions After One Week At The New Job January 25, 2008

During weekdays I may have to half ass keeping this blog updated because I no longer have two hours to spare each day to write decent posts. So from now it’ll have to be mini posts, crap-quality posts (*anticipated gag*), or no posts at all.
 
I love my new job, but I HATE getting up at 6:25 a.m. (!) every morning. If I didn’t have my water-filled perfume spray on hand to shoot my face with water when that f** alarm goes off, I’d never manage to rise from my warm, comfy bed this inhumanely early.
 
At my new job, I have had to interact with fellow human beings (i.e., co-workers) quite a lot and I have actually found myself enjoying their company – oh, the travesty!
 
I don’t feel as lonely when I’m spending my evenings and weekends alone. It’s like I’m getting so much social interaction at work among my sweet and wonderful coworkers that I’m all socially interacted out by the end of it. Finding a boyfriend just doesn’t seem all that absolutely necessary – or appealing - anymore (OMG, I can’t believe I just said that!). These days I really just look forward to the time alone; I consider it my ‘me’ time: my time to recharge, relax, and do all the things I need to get done that I can’t do during my work days (e.g., exercise, blog, check email, work on my personal finances, go to the bank, etc).
 
My workplace is one helluva strict, organized, and structured place to be. There are so many rules, so many systems in place to be followed to the letter in complete obedience that it feels like being in a Catholic boarding school for girls. At first I hated the feeling of being overly restrained and controlled, but I’ve quickly gotten used to it and now I find it to be necessary. Thanks to our outstanding level of organization, we’re extremely efficient at what we do. I LOVE being a part of something that is so organized, so focused, and so well put together, especially when deadlines are pressing and the workload is growing. We’re really as efficient as a factory assembly line, only the work atmosphere among us is warm, convivial, and supportive.
 
I never thought I’d ever say this, but after having worked one week at this job, I can say two things: 1) I don’t hate people 2) all women are not evil

Is This What They Call A Can-Do Attitude? January 20, 2008

There is a God and right now I must be his favorite child because I was offered the job. 
 
On Wednesday, I had an interview with the HR person. I was made to take a series of timed problem-solving tests and then I met the owner and manager of the small company who interviewed me as well. While I don’t think I did so hot on the tests, in both interviews I conducted myself in a poised, positive, and friendly manner and made a very good impression – the preparation paid off. I was asked to come back the next day for a group interview with the employees.
 
At the group interview, I found myself comfortably fielding questions from six women and asking questions of my own. Considering the circumstances and my long-standing fear of group situations, things went surprisingly well… So well in fact that the manager called me on Friday and extended the offer to hire me. (I’d like to thank Xanax for playing a BIG part in helping me get this job.)
 
So now I don’t just have a job, but the PERMANENT full-time job WITH BENEFITS that I had wanted so bad for so long. Goodbye staffing agencies! Goodbye temporary assignments! Goodbye contracts! Goodbye irregular, late, or bouncing paychecks! Goodbye uncertainty! Goodbye inconvenience! 
 
And as if it weren’t enough blessings for one day, at my new job I won’t just be a mere administrative assistant; I will learn how to do accounting, payroll, and tax work! Since I know nothing about those things, I’ll be starting from stratch, but as time progresses, I will accrue more knowledge, more experience. This position, unlike any other that I would ever have considered applying for, will give me the opportunity to move forward into a more rewarding career than what I had imagined for myself.
 
I think this new year ushers in a time of change, a time to move beyond the self-sabotaging stagnant mediocrity I’ve imposed on myself for so long because I had so little confidence in myself and so little faith in what the future could bring. Taking on this job will be the first step to convincing myself that I can go beyond what I know I’m 100% capable of doing, that I have what it takes to do more challenging tasks than what I’m used to doing, and that I can succeed if I apply my enthusiasm and conscientiousness to my new responsibilities.
 
I’m scared of change. I’m scared of challenge. But I CAN DO THIS. I’ve never done it, but I can do it. I don’t know how to do it yet, but that’s okay because in this job I’m going to learn from the very beginning. I am like a baby who’s about to learn how to walk. After months and months of barely crawling, I’m finally standing up on my two feet. I’m ready to walk. I’m ready to move forward. And maybe one day I’m going to be able to run!

2008 New Year’s Resolutions January 17, 2008

January 17. I hope it isn’t too late for this…
 
● In 2008 I will find a permanent job (edit: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!) and I will actually work hard at it
 
● In 2008 I will not obsess over my blog statistics – or over how often I post
 
● In 2008 I will make an effort to reply to emails, even if it is just to say ‘thank you’
 
● In 2008 I will read every book I buy, including those I bought in the last three years and haven’t read yet
 
● In 2008 I will keep a record of every book I read
 
● In 2008 I will keep a record of every movie I watch
 
● In 2008 I will not be rude or hostile to fellow movie goers who insist on sitting right next to me
 
● In 2008 I will be nicer to people in general and replace my trademark what-the-hell-are-you-looking-at stare with a softer smile
 
● In 2008 I will not binge on sweets (starting today)
 
● In 2008 I will devote more time to making handmade cards, even if I’ve got no one to give them to
 
● In 2008 I will attend at least one outing organized by a social networking group
 
● In 2008 I will make an honest effort to make at least one new friend and keep in touch with him/her
 
● In 2008 I will go out salsa dancing again, even if it has to be by myself
 
● In 2008 I will take a jazz dance and/or hip hop class
 
● In 2008 I will get back into yoga to become more flexible and reduce stress
 
● In 2008 I will train to run longer and faster
 
● In 2008 I will make efforts to be kinder to my lazy, overweight cat
 
● In 2008 I will sign up for a series of classes and go to at least 50% of them
 
● In 2008 I will not sleep past 10 am
 
● In 2008 I will not take 2-hour (or longer) afternoon naps
 
● In 2008 I will try to make my bed once a month
 
● In 2008 I will reduce the ridiculous amount of time I waste on the web
 
● In 2008 I will shower no less than every other day, even if it’s freezing out and I’m too bloody cold to get naked
 
● In 2008 I will make sure my belly becomes as flat as a pancake
 
● In 2008 I will find a man to fulfill my romantic fantasies

Called for First Interview Ever January 15, 2008

I have an interview… finally! My very first (official) interview ever. This one is for an administrative assistant position at an accounting/payroll company. I totally didn’t expect it to happen. I applied for the job last night while I was on a roll, mindlessly going through ads and applying for whatever I thought I might have a slight shot at. Who would have thought I’d be contacted?! Miracles do happen. 
 
What a boost to the self-esteem! Not to mention a much needed picker-upper. For two days I was sick and miserable with a nasty sinus infection, which finally got better today after I somehow managed to get rid of the monstrous-looking mucous plug that was fiercely stuck somewhere between the back of my nose and the top of my throat. (I can thank my unemployed homebound time, and massive consumption of warm tea, for such a quick recovery.) Now that I’ve got a job interview on the agenda, I feel almost as good as new!
 
Time to get out of gelatinous time mode and get cranking! My ex has graciously agreed to do a mock phone interview with me tonight. But first I’ve got to draw up every potential interview question I can find online and prepare solid answers for them. By the end of it I should have a pretty mighty compilation of interview questions and answers. Then I’m going to practice and try to memorize everything until I’ve got the whole act to a perfect T, from words to facial expressions, pauses to intonations (think Tilda Swinton’s character in the movie Michael Clayton).
 
This is how I used to prepare for speeches in school. I actually gave some surprisingly compelling speeches as a result of all this intense preparation. I looked so confident speaking that no one watching me could have guessed I had social anxiety. Hard to imagine, now that I’ve become a complete recluse, but true.
 
I am not going to care if I don’t actually get this job. For one thing I’m not crazy about it; it’s really just another administrative job among many. And then this will be my first interview, so it’s alright if I don’t nail it the first time around. I am going to view this interview as a learning and practice opportunity, a research experiment to conduct trials and gather data. I have to think of it as a no-lose situation so that I don’t get disappointed if I fail to achieve the desired results.
 
Of course, for the experiment to actually happen, I will have to pop a Xanax pill one hour beforehand…

Unemployed January 10, 2008

Well, I quit the nightmare customer service-oriented job after just one day on it. The decision brought me HUGE relief, but it’s also left me unemployed, which in turn has made me feel pretty shitty (i.e., depressed). 
 
The uncertainty of the future has been overwhelming. I can’t bear not knowing when my next paycheck will come. I can’t bear the possibility that all the hard work I spent making sure my finances were in order may unravel sooner or later. I feel like a bomb is ticking and it’s only a matter of time before I lose control over everything.
 
I feel so powerless, so worthless. The world keeps on turning, life keeps on going, yet I feel so hopelessly unprepared for it. I desperately wish I could stop time or bring it back so I could get everything together just right before it started running again. 
 
Every day I apply for jobs and no one ever bothers to reply. My self-esteem takes a hit each day that goes by without an answer. I know I’m incompetent, but this total lack of response makes me feel ten times more incompetent. What a way to remind me of the waste of 28 years.
 
I anxiously wait for the phone to ring. My temp agencies are most likely my only hope of ever finding a job. And they are the only ones who can give me short-term assignments, which will help buy me more time. My whole life depends on them.
 
During this period of purgatory waiting, I organize my apartment to keep myself distracted and give myself some semblance of control. While I can’t directly affect the outcome of my job search, I can improve the appearance of my closets and the efficiency with which I can find things in them. Of course, there’s also the other, less practical, alternative, which has become more inviting as of late: to stay in bed all day, aimlessly mulling over my desire to cease to live this hopeless failure of an existence.

Goodbye, Good Old Job January 4, 2008

Today has been emotional. It was my last day on the job. I worked there for over 3 years and although I hated it almost the whole time, I miss it now – and it hasn’t even been 6 hours since I locked my little office for the very last time.
 
I’m going to miss my office, my own private space. I’m going to miss spending hours on the computer, on the internet specifically, checking up on my bank accounts and my credit card balances, hitting the reload button every five minutes to see if any new emails have come, reading useless, random stuff… I’m going to miss the independence, doing my own thing, working with little guidance, having the office to myself most of the time. I’m going to miss my boss. He was by far the BEST boss ever and I know I am NEVER going to be lucky to get another boss as great as he was.
 
Oh, I really had it good at my old job. I was really comfortable with what I was doing. I felt like I was in my element – on my own mostly, no pressure, few deadlines, just taking it easy. Every week I had a day off, Mondays usually. For the amount of work I did, the pay was decent. Save for the long, oppressive bouts of boredom, which drove me insane (and sometimes even triggered suicidal impulses), it was pretty much paradise at work.
 
Now it’s all over and I can’t believe I took it all for granted. I can’t believe I whined so much about how bored and miserable I was with it. On Tuesday I’m starting another job, a temp-to-perm one this time, with an American company (I was blessed to have worked at a European organization), and I can already see how drastically different things are going to be. I’ll have to be at work every single day, 1 1/2 hours earlier and ON TIME, for longer hours, and I will actually be BUSY, running around doing all kinds of things, I imagine, rather than quietly, comfortably sitting at my computer all day long waiting for time to pass. I can say goodbye to dallying around on the internet or on the phone, sneaking out of work early to go to the movies, or enjoying a siesta while the boss is away. I will finally know the meaning of work as those bloody workaholic Americans know it. (Will somebody, something, a hate mail, a snow storm, a non-functioning traffic light, an accidental lethal combination of vitamins and allergy pills pleeeeeease kill me before Tuesday?)
 
I’m dreadfully scared. And sad, too. I don’t like change. I want my good old job back. I need security, familiarity. I’m going to this new job, which I really don’t know much about, and I’m so terrified at the prospect of being around new people, doing new, challenging things, and having no place there to hide or find comfort. At the new job I will have to deal with people, something which dead people are probably better at than I am. The new boss will most likely not be as cool, laid-back, patient, and understanding as my old one. Sooner or later everyone will realize they made a big booboo in picking me. 
 
I don’t know why they did that. What a grave mistake. Did I do that well on the phone interview yesterday that they didn’t think anyone else fared better than I had? I find that impossible to believe. I shouldn’t have taken that Xanax one hour before the interview. I shouldn’t have been that relaxed, that friendly, that unusually verbally articulate. Who the hell was speaking on the phone? For Christ’s sake, I am a socially anxious, stuck up, awkward, reticent wallflower. I am not cut out to be an executive assistant in a customer-service oriented environment. I belong in a hole. This cannot be real. 
 
I shouldn’t have prepared interview questions and answers in advance and consulted them as I spoke to the interviewer. I shouldn’t have had my resume, my current job description, and everything relevant to my current position all laid out in front of me either. It’s all a cheat. A fraud. A big scam. A HUGE mistake. And it will all blow up sooner or later.
 
I should have failed; that’s what I am used to. That’s what I do best. Success is so foreign to me. I’m a failure. Where did this sudden, unexpected burst of success come from? What did I do to deserve it? I expected to go days, weeks without a job. This is so terrifyingly bizarre that I would have something lined up so soon.
 
If I somehow convince myself not to listen to the voices that are telling me as we speak not to show up at my new job on Tuesday, I am certain the people there will quickly realize I’m not the right person for the job. I’m ready for it, crossing my fingers for it, but what a humiliation it will be to show up there and disappoint like that. I so hate disappointing people; it disappoints me tenfold.
 
I wish I could turn back time and make sure this never happened. All I’d like to do right now, other than bawl my eyes out in panic, is to crawl into a tree hole and hide there for milleniums until this has all passed and my memory, and the memories of all the people involved, have been wiped clean of every trace of this unfortunate occurrence.
 
Am I out of my mind for not congratulating myself at having been accepted for a job, for not being thrilled at the idea of getting a paycheck soon, for wishing I had failed? How can one possibly be in a celebratory mood under the circumstances? I feel like the end of the world has come and Judgment Day will be here on Tuesday and I will fail and I will be punished and I will go to hell and I … could go on and on in that doomsday trajectory because I don’t know what else to do so I’ll just shut up and pray for the worst…