Like last year, I don’t have plans for New Year’s Eve tonight. A friend of mine had kindly invited me to go to a house poker party, but I declined because poker is really not my idea of a good time. For one thing I don’t gamble. But most importantly I have no knowledge or interest in poker whatsoever.
I actually don’t like games of any kind. Games and I don’t get along. I take them way too seriously. The competition always eats me away and spoils the fun. I can’t stand losing. It absolutely infuriates me. Rather than face the bitter, humiliating prospect of defeat, I choose not to play. It’s the easiest way out. And if I am forced to play anything, whether it be bowling, pool, or golf, I use ignorance to my advantage. Ignorant losers are better than educated losers.
Since I honestly don’t know how to play much of anything (and I make sure to keep it that way), I feel ‘excused’ not to win. Even when people insist on teaching me things, I try hard not to try very hard. I feign stupidity, slowness, inefficiency, clumsiness, lack of understanding. On purpose I pay little attention to what I’m being taught so that I’ll remain a beginner forever.
It’s okay for beginners to lose. They’re neither looked down upon nor ridiculed because they have so little experience. When people ask me if I’ve ever tried this, that, or the other, I always give them the innocent look of bewilderment. Men especially love it when they see they’ve got something to teach you. It makes them feel confident, superior, manly. I like to play along, acting like a naive, inexperienced young maiden eager and curious to learn about a novel experience in the hands of an experienced gentleman.
Ah, pretense. The only way to hide your wickedness from the rest of the world. I always thought I could have made a good actress.
The Pretending Game December 31, 2007
Indulging in Good Food December 29, 2007
Man, I’ve really neglected this blog. I’ve been so busy eating copious amounts of delicious home-cooked foods and frantically trying to burn off the extra calories at the gym that I’ve found little appetite for blogging.
My father, who is training to be a chef in France and is here on a brief holiday, has been delighting my mother and I with his cooking for the past week or so. It is so wickedly impossible to be on any kind of diet given the circumstances. As a French expatriate, I must admit I still haven’t quite taken to American garbage cuisine - food drenched in fat, thick with goop, and so-called desserts buried under mountains of cinnamon, not to mention sugar. How could I say no to succulent meticulously-prepared main dishes, delicate authentic French apple tarts, dainty langues de chats, and light, barely-there genoise cakes? Refinement and delicacy are two things American cuisine lacks, two things which I miss above all since I moved West fourteen years ago.
Oh I’ve had quite the delectable holiday season this year. My father gets to practices his skills in my (American) kitchen. And my mom and I get to eat like queens (having a personal chef kicks ass). Everybody wins. (Of course, my grocery bills aren’t quite what I’d call wallet friendly, but I’ll worry about it next month when the credit card bill comes.)
To make sure any unsightly weight gain doesn’t spoil the yummy experience, I add extra time to my cardio session every day. Running/jogging has proved to be THE top way to burn calories the fastest, and it has become my weapon of choice when battling the extra jiggle that’s been starting to settle in my lower belly as a result of my new indulgences.
But as soon as my father leaves on January 7, it’ll be back to the old diet. There’ll be no more decadent desserts or gourmet sauces. No-frills meals it shall once again be. Discipline shall be restored.
For now, however, I am thoroughly relishing the heavenly pleasures of good food.
On the menu tomorrow: boeuf bourguignon and pear/apricot tart. My mouth is already watering…
On Top of the World December 25, 2007
It’s Christmas, but I’m going to the gym anyway. What a blessing my apartment building houses its own gym. I never have to worry about holiday closings. While people were gobbling down their turkey on Thanksgiving Day, I was sweating it off on the cross master. There are no holidays for the obsessive compulsive exerciser.
Since I changed my diet and started working out about two and a half months ago, my body’s gone from flab to fab. At the annual holiday gathering I attended on Saturday, a lot of people couldn’t recognize me. I wowed everyone with my makeover. People thought I had a star’s figure. Wow, a star’s figure. Near perfection.
I’m actually not quite there yet (though the outfit I wore may have made it seem like I was). At the rate I’m going I should be there eventually, though. By winter’s end, I’ll have a star’s bikini body (minus the boobs). And by year’s end, maybe I’ll have a fitness model’s body – not the ugly, bulky type, but the lean, toned kind. There’s nothing more amazing than goals that CAN be achieved.
I love how my hard work and my dedication are paying off. Seeing tangible results fuels my drive to go farther and farther. It’s in times like these that I feel my best. I feel like I’m on top of the world, in control of my life. Last year I was terribly depressed, ready to put an end to it all, because I had no reason to live, no reason to fight, no reason to hope.
What a huge difference it makes to have something to look forward to, something to live for. Envisioning the dream body I want and seeing it get closer and closer within my reach is what’s helping me keep going. To some it may be a stupid, shallow reason for living, but to me it means so much. Because I can exercise full control over some aspect of my existence, the world no longer seems like such a scary, hostile, impossible place to live in. In the bubble I live in, I reign queen.
Movies I Need to See Before The End of The Year December 20, 2007
The clock is ticking. There are only 11 days left.
-
Atonement -
The Diving Bell and The Butterfly -
Charlie Wilson’s War -
The Savages
-
Sweeney Todd
Guess where I will be spending the holidays … Why, at my favorite place on earth, of course, where dreams come true, magic happens, and the whole world lies before my very eyes…
The movies!!
Woot! Happy holidays to me.
My OCPD Triggers / Pet Peeves December 18, 2007
These give me impulses to go on murdering rampages…
People who stand on the left side of the metro escalators. The rule is stand on the right, walk on the left - Every time someone breaks that rule, I want to run them down or shove them aside. It’s one of those things that really want to make me lose my cool in public and strangle someone from behind.
Finding that my mom hasn’t properly rinsed or precleaned the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher - The dishwasher isn’t a miracle worker; you DO have to get the gunk off the dishes so it doesn’t dry up and makes the dishwasher’s job impossible. Also, all of the items on the top shelf must be placed face DOWN so everything can get cleaned properly.
Catching my mom using the dish sponge to wipe up the counters/sink - It throws me into a fit! The dish sponge is for the dishes only. Grrrrrr…
People who show up late by 15 minutes or more at meetings - Unless they’ve got a really really good excuse (e.g., they got into a car accident or a close relative of theirs got sick at the last minute), I see them as being careless, irresponsible, disrespectful and inconsiderate. It makes me quite cranky to have to wait (when there are so many other things I could have been doing during that time!) and it can potentially ruin the meeting completely for me.
Changes of plans, especially if they’re last minute - People have no idea how destructive that is to my mood and my well-being. I don’t adapt to change like other people do. It takes me a long time to adjust to anything. When you suddenly decide to change things up on me, you’re basically asking me to undo all the hard work/thinking I’ve probably spent a considerably amount of time doing. Murder, I tell you.
Bad grammar/spelling – I can’t stand seeing the word “your” when it’d be obvious to a 10-year old that “you’re” should be used. Simple mistakes like that come across to me as carelessness and shows a lack of regard for proper writing. Heck, English is not my native language and I know better.
People who try to change my mind about anything, whether it be about political issues, religion, movie preferences, or food choices - Sorry, I don’t change my mind for people. If I am going to change my mind ever, I’ll do it of my own accord because it suits my self-interests to do so AND fits with MY personal rules/morals/ethics… People are wasting their time (and mine!) when they try to lecture me, give me unsolicited advice, or argue with me about stuff I’m clearly not interested in changing my mind about.
Phone use in public – It makes me so mad when people just yap on and on their cell phones and speak as if they were the only living souls on earth. If my phone rings and I’m in the metro, I’m considerate enough to 1) speak in as low a voice as possible (I actually cover my mouth as well so that only the person I’m speaking to hears me) and 2) keep the conversation to just a few minutes (i.e., just enough time to say what I need to say) OR if possible - and I prefer this option above all, 3) ignore the call and let it go to voicemail (my ringer is set on vibrate and to the lowest volume so usually only I can hear it). Of course most people have no such consideration for others. It’s extremely frustrating.
Loud people - I’m the kind of person who likes her environment to be quiet and toned down for the most part. Loud people (including people who laugh loudly) drive me nuts. You can’t shut them up or tell them to keep it down, it’s pointless. I swear, they’ll be the deaf of me - if the death of me won’t come first, that is.
Beggars and solicitors – They really have a way of pushing my buttons. If they’re so handicapped they really can’t work and/or are so old they can barely stand on their two feet, I’ll have some compassion, but other than that, I have no mercy for solicitors. Get off the bottle/drugs and get a job, darn it! I never give money to anyone who asks unless I feel they truly deserve it and need it (e.g., if someone asks for a quarter because they don’t happen to have enough for bus fare, I’ll gladly give them one if I’ve got one).
Couples who make out in public – They make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassed, not just for myself but for them, too. I don’t mind dropping in on a stolen kiss or two, a hug, an embrace, but if you’re going to use tongues and feel each other up, get a room for heaven’s sake. Yuck. What a disgrace.
People with loud car stereos and/or exhausts - WHY must you do this?! I hate you so much if I had a gun I’d probably shoot you for making my heart threaten to stop beating whenever you pass by.
Noisy exercisers – I’m not talking about those who socialize at the gym as if it were happy hour (it’s obvious I can’t stand those), but about those who make exercising sound like a hot and heavy sex session. It’s especially disgusting when it comes from short, bulky men who likely have a wiener the size of a gherkin. Ewww! We know you’re not getting enough, but please keep the grunting, moaning, and orgasming to yourself when you lift weights.
I could go on and on… but I have to go to bed now.
Who Knew Sexy Lived In Me? December 15, 2007
Today was shopping day! Except for the cooking pot I got for my brother and his girlfriend for Christmas, most of the stuff I bought was for ME because if you haven’t noticed it by now, everything is always about me, me, me!
- Beautifully-tailored H&M black jacket, $29.98 (after 50% off sale)
- Slimming The Limited flared black slacks, $14.99 at Ross
- Sexy knee-high pointy-toed leather boots, $34.99 at T.J. Maxx
- Very cute dangly zirconia earrings, $5.39 at Target (after 10% off discount)
Wondering who that hot, sexy, stylish girl in the mirror was after I put on everything: priceless
(If my ex saw what I saw in that mirror, he’d probably wish he could have me back.)
Pictures will have to be taken as proof of this new sexiness… but not until hair and makeup are taken care of and the total makeover is complete!
When The Cats Are Away The Mouse Will Play December 12, 2007
What do you do when both of your bosses are gone all day, leaving poor you all alone in the office?
You show up at work at 11 am! Then, if you’re a movie maniac like me, you call it a day at 3 pm and head to the movies! And you might even do a few push-ups and crunches in the office just for kicks…
fa la la la la! La vie est belle!
10 Things I Want (Sometime) Next Year December 11, 2007
1. A JOB – not a contract job, not a temporary job, not a part-time job, but a REAL job that pays ON TIME and gives me benefits
2. Someone cute and sweet to cuddle with. He doesn’t have to be a boyfriend (I’m not so good at dating), but it’d be nice if he acted like one
3. A new wardrobe – to bring the sexy back! And help me get #2.
4. A shrink – to help me KEEP(!) #2 for as long as he’ll stay
5. A new desk – One of my desk’s legs decided to give out on me because it had had enough of my propping my feet up on it. Currently the only thing that’s preventing the wobbly desk (and the gigantic monitor sitting on top of it) from caving in on my lap is the bookshelf that it’s leaning on (and my remembering to keep my feet to myself).
6. An LCD TV – I watch an average of 4 DVDs a week. If I could turn my living room into a little movie theater, I would probably watch 6. Of course, how I’m going to afford something that is worth more than my life savings remains a huge mystery, but one thing is certain, #1 needs to happen before I can even think about #6.
6. A new obsession hobby – Knowing myself, I expect exercise will get old sooner or later. This should help keep #2, too, and make #4 happy?
7. Comfortable noise-cancelling headphones – to put an end to the ear/hearing abuse
8. A trip somewhere fun – after #1 is in the bag, naturally. With #2 would be very nice.
9. Blemish-free, wrinkle-fre(er) skin – So I can meet #2 outdoors in broad daylight with or without any makeup on
10. A home organized like those in interior decorating magazines and catalogues (I want this every year, but I can never quite make it happen, sigh)
Now if I had to pick only one of the 10 thing above, I’d go for #1. #2-10 DEPEND on #1. Anybody need a secretary? Only thing is, I don’t do phones and I’m not good with people…
Deriving Pleasure from Obsessions and Compulsions December 6, 2007
It’s 11:30 pm and I should be in bed, but I also should have written a blog post in the last two days and I haven’t yet, so here I am daring myself to do a 15-minute quickie (the question is, will I be able to do it?)
I have been doing a fair amount of stalking and (over)posting on the OCPD forum. Since I am so short on time tonight, I think I’ll just copy and paste what I wrote in one of the threads, which questioned whether or not people with obsessive compulsive personality disorder derive pleasure from their obsessions/compulsions, as is suggested by Wikipedia.
For me personally I think that there is some truth in that statement. As an example, I enjoy spending hours taking care of my financial spreadsheets every day. It gives me a sense of purpose, a sense of responsibility, a sense of stability, a sense of control over my money. I think to myself, I am doing something very wise for myself. It’s not a waste of time because my finances are in excellent shape as a result of my efforts. I feel so proud when my accounts balance perfectly, when I know where all of my pennies go. It’s such a wonderful feeling to know I’ve mastered perfect control of something like this.
Sadly the world is very imperfect and more often than not, out of my control, which is why I’m often anxious and depressed. When a check someone’s written to me bounces unexpectedly, for instance, my sense of control is flushed through the toilet and I go into panic mode.
I basically try to live for those few moments when I feel like I am in full control of something and everything is smooth sailing, working just as I want it to, because it is during those moments that I don’t feel worthless and I sometimes even feel happy to be alive.
I almost made it! It’s 11:51 pm (just 6 minutes over, not too shabby). As soon as I hit the publish button, I’m going to turn off my computer and not do any more editing. I guess I’ll look at the damage tomorrow …
I cheated. I just looked. But I didn’t (have to) touch anything other than to write this note (phew!). Still I guess it’s only fair to add an extra 5 12 14 19 minutes to the clock … addendum: because I’ve now looked at my final post a total of four five six times and edited this little note THREE FOUR FIVE times so far. Pah! Pah! Pah!
FAQ #1: Comments December 9, 2007
Tags: Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, comments, Blogging, criticism
Frequently Asked Question #1:
Q. Are you ever going to open comments?
A. Probably not, unless by some kind of miracle I am cured of my comment phobia and whatever is causing it. Believe it or not, but just the thought of the comment option being open keeps me up at night.
A more appropriate question would be why I am scared of comments.
These things bring about a whole array of unhealthy emotions I just don’t want to deal with (life is already stressful enough as it is, thank you), emotions like:
All in all, I think that allowing comments on my blog causes a lot more stress in my life than I can handle.