We had a potluck at work today. I drank a small glass a wine, listened to the speeches, ate some food, and as soon as I was done I left. A couple of sweet ladies were kind enough to talk to me briefly, but it didn’t take them long to realize how useless it is to have a conversation me. I’m a wallflower. I don’t talk. They may as well have been talking to the walls.
I used to get really anxious in social situations like these. Now I’m just mildly uncomfortable. I still get the same thoughts running through my mind, thoughts like ’I don’t belong here,’ ‘I have nothing smart or interesting to say,’ ‘I probably look stupid standing here by myself,’ etc.
Since I can’t cope with the unbearability of the situation, I capitulate and I retreat. It’s my way of saying to myself, ’alright, you got me. I can’t take this anymore. You win, I lose. Now let’s split.’
The social avoider, that’s me. I’m a master of avoidance.
Over the years I’ve learned that it’s futile for me to try to fit in. I’ve come to see my incapacity to socialize with others as another fact of life, something as natural as swinging my arms when I walk. I don’t bother fighting it anymore. It’d be like defying gravity, which as far I know, is impossible.
So whenever I find myself in potlucks, parties, and banquets, I focus on what is to be done in such events: to eat, and once my mission is accomplished, to leave.
Social Avoidance November 15, 2007
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