Undateable October 30, 2007

When I talk to people who are happily married, engaged, or involved with a special someone, I can’t help but feel sad because I secretly know I will never experience any of this. I work very hard to get used to the idea of spending the rest of my life alone, yet when I look around and see so many people in love, I am reminded of what I can’t have and it hurts.
 
Sometimes I wish I were normal so that I could find (and keep) love. It would be  wonderful to fall in love again. Why do I have to ruin every relationship I’m in? Why can’t I keep myself from being so needy, demanding, and difficult? I behave much better on my own. It is only when a man comes into the picture, a boyfriend to be exact, that I turn into a real pain in the ass.
 
What is it about having a boyfriend that makes me feel like I am entitled to make his life unbearable? I really don’t mean to hurt anyone. God knows I tried very hard to behave in my last relationship.
 
I’m better off alone. Men are better off without me. I know this. Every day I tell  myself so. And I am doing the best I can to accept it. But it’s easier said than done. There are times when I think I can manage on my own and then there are times when I can’t bear to be so lonely. Damn this neediness.
 
I am better off alone, for my sake and other people’s sake. I should tattoo this statement on my forearm as a self-reminder and on my forehead as a warning to others, and wear a T-shirt that says, “I Bite – Run, Do Not Just Walk to the Nearest Exit.”