I’m not just a perfectionist. I am an obsessive perfectionist. I’m slow and inefficient at nearly everything I do. I take HOURS to do the simplest tasks. It’s particularly troublesome at work on the rare occasions when I’m given deadlines. Outside pressure adds to the internal pressure and creates chaos, which then makes it impossible for me to focus and achieve the perfection I so desire.
As a result of my perfectionism I often can’t finish projects. My standards are too strict, my expectations too high. Discouraged, I give up early.
Perfectionism has also made of me a procrastinator. I will delay starting projects to put off dealing with their slow, laborious, and demanding process. Whenever I take on something I have to throw everything I have into it. Nothing else outside of it exists.
The perfectionist’s harshest judge is himself. Even when others tell me I have done a task well, I feel as though I have failed. If it isn’t perfect it isn’t good enough. If I can’t be perfect then I am a loser. I can’t stand to have people see my mistakes. It is humiliating. They will punish me, they will laugh at me, they will look down upon me. No, I must be perfect.
As a perfectionist, I need rules. I need order. It is the only way to be in control. Without control perfection cannot be achieved. Hence everything must be controlled – people, pets, situations, time, emotions, money etc. Systems must be put into place in order to ensure that control is always maintained (strict budgets for money, rigid rules and schedules for boyfriends, and so forth).
Money wise, I’m stingy to a fault. I am obsessed with having full control of every penny that goes in and out of my pocketbook and every single day (sometimes three or four times a day) I keep meticulous tabs online on all of my credit card, bank, savings, and investment accounts. I refuse to throw my money away on frivolous things like clothing, jewelry, and nights out on the town, and I feel highly resentful whenever I have to spend any money on myself and on others.
I have very strong beliefs and opinions on certain issues on which I stand firm and cannot be dissuaded from. I also have very specific preferences for many things and will not change them for anyone or anything in the world.
My ex-boyfriend was exasperated with me because I was so inflexible and set in my own ways (come to think of it, all of my boyfriends were annoyed by that). I never wanted to try new things; I was a pain to argue with; I was a major control freak; I hated surprises; and I resisted doing anything spontaneous. On the upside, though, my ex was extremely disorganized and structure-free, so between the two of us we sort of balanced each other out in that department.
