If it weren’t for NPD OCPD and narcissism, I would have been a professional bely dancer by now. And a great one, too. Not just based on what I think of my potential, but based on what others have said (and still say) of my dancing.
But I am not and will never be.
I hold myself back from achieving my true potential. I am incapable of following any ambitions to the end because the standards I set for myself are too high, my ideals of perfection too great. I live in a fantasy world. Any small setbacks are seen as complete failures. I must be as great as the dancer in my fantasies or I am nothing. When I realize I cannot live up to my grandiose fantasies, I soon lose interest and give up altogether.
Envy of others plays an important role in my self-sabotage. When I look at those around me who’ve made it as dancers, and then I look at myself who’s done nothing despite of the talent I know I have, I can’t help but feel jealousy, anger, and shame. Rather than compete against these girls and face a sure (humiliating) defeat, I capitulate instead. I let them have it because I know I can’t have it, can’t do it.
My conscience scolds me severely for being a failure, a good-for-nothing, a loser. The masochist in me then engages in self-sabotaging, self-defeating behaviors to reinforce that belief and punish myself further. Utterly defeated, I retreat into guilt and wallow in self-pity until something reinstills hope in me and prompts me to try again and repeat the cycle all over again.
In the end, though, I remain in the same spot, never going anywhere, never accomplishing anything.
Thwarted Ambitions October 18, 2007
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