Edit: I wrote this post a while back in the spur of excitement (as I re-read it, I really sound ridiculous). As it turns out, I doubt I really have Narcissistic Personality Disorder after all. After further research and self-analysis, I have found that the diagnosis of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder best fits me. It is what clicks, what now makes me go, ‘wow, no wonder I’ve done this, that, and the other.’
While I do have strong narcissistic traits and tendencies, I do not qualify for the full-blown disorder. Come to think of it, I’m not that as evil, ruthless, and cruel as the true NPDer (though OCPDers and NPDers do have the lack of empathy, haughty, even demeaning behavior, and control of others in common). Furthermore I neither lie nor cheat, and I have strong morals and values to which I firmly, stubbornly stick to, which is definitely not characteristic of NPD, but more of OCPD. I also have a strong conscience and do feel guilt when I hurt other people.
Finally I should probably mention that a true NPDer would never admit he/she had a problem like I do (my father, who is without a doubt NPD, is one of those people. There’s no arguing with him; he’s perfectly sane - it’s everyone else who’s against him).
————————–
I’ve got it! I’ve got it! After so many years of asking, pondering, self-analyzing, and searching I have FINALLY got it.
All of my behaviors, all of my habits, all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, and ALL of my life from the time I was a wee child until this very day can be explained by THIS. I’ve read a lot of stuff before, but I have NEVER in my life seen or heard anything that describes me to a T as this page does! The whole way through as I was reading it I couldn’t help but exclaim, “OMG, stop talking about me!” or “YES, YES, that’s RIGHT!” and “Oh HOW did you know I did that?!” Quite eerie, let me tell you.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder. One probably could have suspected that from the statements I made in the last two posts. I’m EXTREMELY self-centered, so much that it consumes me and makes my life a living nightmare. Those self-contradicting thoughts that I could never explain? I understand them now!
It feels so enlightening to know the answers to the questions I’ve been asking myself for so long – to know why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I do.
Sure, knowing won’t change a thing. I mean, based on the prognosis for NPD, chances are I’ll stay this way forever. But God damn it, I don’t care! I never did care about getting better (in case you haven’t noticed from reading my blog yet). In therapy I was always so fucking resistant to change, but I guess now I know why. I’m not going back to therapy. It’s a waste of time and money. And those antidepressants, fuck them. It’s not like they make my life any better. I’m still depressed but guess what, deep down I want to be depressed. And one day I’m gonna kill myself, so who cares?
I should rename this blog Moody Narcissist. HA HA HA HA! I feel so powerful suddenly.
Hey, I’m A Fucking Narcissist! October 17, 2007
Clarification October 17, 2007
Someone made an interesting observation about one of the statements in my last post:
“You say you’d like to be with people who like the same things you do. I thought that everybody felt this way. I think I do. So what are the things you like?”
It made me realize that I had phrased my sentence ambiguously so that my real point was lost completely.
What I meant to say was that I’d like to be with people who think like me, dress like me, participate in the same activities I do, etc. in other words people who are exactly like me. It’s impossible to find someone exactly like oneself, which is why it’s a ridiculous wish. I know that. I set myself for failure from the get-go by wishing something as impossible as that. It’s actually a self-fulfilling prophecy that if I can’t find someone like that I’ll choose to be alone instead. What I am really saying, although I won’t admit it even to myself, is that I will be alone because no one else is good enough for me.
When I read that last statement, though, I’m puzzled because I also believe the opposite to be true, mainly that I’m not good enough for people to like me. It’s another self-contradiction to which I have no answer (yet).
