Just Shut Up And Listen October 31, 2007

I can’t stand don’t-give-up comments – these optimistic, sugar-coated notes people leave to encourage you not to lose hope when you tell them you’re at the end of your rope. They make me want to run to the nearest toilet and puke.
 
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a thousand times if I have to: why is it that people always feel the need to come up with useless rosy crap when they talk to someone in despair? It doesn’t make the recipient feel any better. It doesn’t change the situation. If anything it sounds forced, ridiculous, and, if we could only tell you without offending you, so tedious to hear.
 
I think people should just shut up and listen. Sometimes there really isn’t anything you can say to make the recipient feel better and that’s okay. We understand you may feel like you’ve been put in a tough spot; we understand you mean well and only want to help; however, that doesn’t mean you have to say something just for the sake of saying something.
 
As long you’re there and you care, that is enough. A listening ear, accompanied by a hug or not, is often all you can give someone when they face times of distress, and believe it or not, it can go a long way.
 
So please, do that someone a favor and just listen.

Reasons Why No One Should Ever Date Me October 31, 2007

I’m consumed by jealousy – Every woman in my boyfriend’s life is a threat. I freak out every time I see an attractive female on his MySpace/Facebook list of friends. I am boiling with anger when he goes out for a meal with a female friend or coworker. I also can’t stand when he spends too much time with his friends or with his family. It makes me feel like he’d rather be with them than with me. It makes me feel worthless. Basically I want my boyfriend all to myself and I’m fiercely jealous of anyone who may get in the way of that.
  
I play the detective – I ask thorough questions on everything he’s done, everything he thinks about, everything he’s talked about with someone else, and everything he plans to do. I conduct thorough internet search on him to dig up any old information. I also snoop around his home and personal belongings for clues that he might be hiding something from me. When I find something that might be incriminating or when I find something he’s not told me about, I confront him. No matter what he does, he loses.
  
I have no life outside of my boyfriend - He is the center of my existence, my reason for living. Without him I am nothing. I have no friends; I don’t need any if I have a him. He serves every purpose.
  
I smother him - I want to know what my boyfriend is doing at all times. I think that if he loves me, he should be in touch with me all the time. I have to call him, email him, text him incessantly to remind myself of his presence. If he won’t answer, I’ll flip. I’ll imagine all sorts of bad things and then the next time I’ll talk to him I’ll get very angry at him for letting me down.
  
I can’t stand being smothered – Although I will smother him, I can’t tolerate it if he smothers me. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe, like I can’t be myself, like I can’t do what I want. To me it’s also a sign of neediness and I can’t tolerate it when people need me. I want people to give, but I don’t want to give much. Hence, I will try to keep my distance and may eventually lose interest if I’m faced with too much intimacy, too much attention, too much time spent together etc.
  
I am a control freak – I need to be in control of my relationship since I cannot control my emotions well. I set the rules. My boyfriend must do everything I say and get along with everything I suggest. If he doesn’t, I will make him feel guilty for letting me down and I will manipulate him so that in the end he does as I say. And if he still doesn’t, I will get very upset.
  
I can be stingy with my affection  – I want him to shower me with affection and I will do the same to him if all’s well. However, when I don’t get what I want, I will hold back sex, affection, and even love to show him how much he’s hurt me.
  
 I can be mean and sadistic - When he’s about to go out with his family and friends, I’ll start putting them down and will sometimes go so far as to insult them to get a reaction out of him. We will get into an argument, then I will cry and apologize with the hope that maybe he’ll change his mind about leaving me alone. If he still ends up going to hang out with his friends/family, I will make him feel so miserable that he will not have a good time with them. I can’t stand it when he doesn’t do as I say. I can’t stand it when he has a good time without me. If I’m suffering he should suffer, too.
  
I hate his friends – To me they’re all enemies. They’re there to come in between me and my man. More than anything else I am afraid they will take him away from me. I also think they all despise me because I’m such a looney loser. I hate how they make me see my weaknesses and my worthlessness. I’m envious of them. I wish I could be like them, but I can’t. I avoid them at all costs and I do everything I can to keep my boyfriend away from them, too.
  
I am needy – I need a man to love me, reassure me, and console me. I need him to hold me when I’m lonely. I need him to call me so that I know he cares. I need him to listen to me when I need to rant. I need him to tell me how wonderful I am. I need him to try to understand me even if I know he can’t. I need him to help me cope with life. I need him to always be there for me, on call 24/7, 365 days a year at the drop of a hat. To me that is true love.
 
I am stubborn and inflexible – I’m a pain in the ass to argue with. I’m set in stone in my own ways. It’s always my way or the highway. Compromises are very hard to reach. I won’t try new things even with a lot of coaxing and begging. I don’t like surprises. I have to stick with the rules, the routines at the expense of having fun. I can be too serious. I don’t tolerate mistakes. I don’t tolerate lying, hiding things from me. I make a big deal out of any wrongdoings, no matter how slight. I even seem to be constantly looking for mistakes. I am harsh, resentful and don’t forgive easily.
 
I am incapable of truly loving someone – I need someone to love me because I can’t love myself. I need someone to love me so I can be happy. But I can only love provided that my needs are met. Additionally, I’m in love with love. I want to love and be loved because as a dreamer, as a hopeless romantic living in a fantasy world, I have high ideals of love. I seem to be believe love is the key to happiness, the answer to all problems. I want the perfect fairy tale romance and I do everything I can to create that. When things don’t really go as planned, my fairy tale world crumbles. I start to think, he doesn’t love me. If things aren’t perfect, he can’t love me. My expectations of what love can accomplish in my life are too high and I don’t seem to understand that love is really about empathy and unconditional giving, which are things that I am incapable of.
 

I seek attention to get what I want - I want to be the center of my boyfriend’s existence. In order for him to pay attention to me I will engage in self-sabotaging and self-destructive behaviors. I will refuse to work on my resume (even when I know I really have to look for a job) so that he’ll do it for me. I will exaggerate and overreact to personal problems so that he’ll talk to me for hours on the phone to help me calm down, assess the situation, and fix it. I will quit therapy to get him mad. I will mix too many sleeping pills with alcohol or self harm to get him to worry about me. I will threaten to commit suicide to scare him. I will even threaten to kill him to get him to take me seriously.
  
I am moody and unpredictable – One minute I’ll be sweet and loving, the next minute I’ll be angry and vicious. One minute I’ll be giggly and perky, the next minute I’ll be despondent and hopeless. I will easily go from adoring and worshipping my boyfriend to hating and despising him. I will get upset over the most trivial things, often blaming him for everything. Then I will feel extreme guilt and fear that he’ll leave me for losing my temper, so I will beg for forgiveness.
  
I am an abuser – When I blow a fuse, which usually happens if I don’t get what I want and if things don’t go as I plan, I will call him names, I will insult him, I will put him down, I will make him feel like scum, I will make him regret he ever lived. If he is physically weaker than me and I am extremely angry, I will even go so far as to shove him and hit him. But every time I will apologize profusely, cry in shame, and beg for forgiveness.
  
——————–
 
Now you have better idea why someone like me should remain single forever. 
 
When I was with my recent ex, I engaged in self-destructive behaviors more often than I do now. There seem to be fewer triggers now that I’m single. Life seems more stable and my scapegoat is gone. I don’t feel desperate to hold onto a man or to make him suffer for making me suffer because there is no man. And there will never be one.
 
——–
Note: I’m not all bad, though.

Undateable October 30, 2007

When I talk to people who are happily married, engaged, or involved with a special someone, I can’t help but feel sad because I secretly know I will never experience any of this. I work very hard to get used to the idea of spending the rest of my life alone, yet when I look around and see so many people in love, I am reminded of what I can’t have and it hurts.
 
Sometimes I wish I were normal so that I could find (and keep) love. It would be  wonderful to fall in love again. Why do I have to ruin every relationship I’m in? Why can’t I keep myself from being so needy, demanding, and difficult? I behave much better on my own. It is only when a man comes into the picture, a boyfriend to be exact, that I turn into a real pain in the ass.
 
What is it about having a boyfriend that makes me feel like I am entitled to make his life unbearable? I really don’t mean to hurt anyone. God knows I tried very hard to behave in my last relationship.
 
I’m better off alone. Men are better off without me. I know this. Every day I tell  myself so. And I am doing the best I can to accept it. But it’s easier said than done. There are times when I think I can manage on my own and then there are times when I can’t bear to be so lonely. Damn this neediness.
 
I am better off alone, for my sake and other people’s sake. I should tattoo this statement on my forearm as a self-reminder and on my forehead as a warning to others, and wear a T-shirt that says, “I Bite – Run, Do Not Just Walk to the Nearest Exit.”

Secret Crush October 29, 2007

I need some excitement in my life. I need a man. A boyfriend would be nice. Someone with whom I could curl up in bed right now. Someone who would tickle the sole of my feet and whisper sweet nothings to me from under the covers.
 
Wishful thinking (sigh).
  
I do have a new secret crush, though. A celebrity. He reminds me of someone I was head over heels in love with once upon a time, an old friend of mine who looked just like him.
 
The celebrity I am hopelessly crushing on like a teenage girl has boyish good looks. Sometimes during the day, and every night before I fall asleep, I imagine I’m looking into his dreamy blue eyes and he’s talking to me with that irresistible little smirk of his that makes me melt, melt, melt, like chocolate in the warm palm of a hand. I love the sound of his voice. In it there isn’t a trace of nasal flatness, but only soft, seductive raspiness like sexy blues music. I have yet to meet an American, who isn’t an actor, with that rare kind of voice. I could fall in love with a man by the mere sound of his voice, especially if he knew how to use it to speak beautiful words.
 
Daydreaming about my crush makes me feel so fuzzy inside. I can’t recall the last time I ever felt like this. Though it may seem silly to desire someone whom I’ll never meet, I don’t really care. I just want to have someone to think about again, someone to smile about, someone to talk to in secret when I need to be loved. And above all, someone I can have all to myself in my heart and in my dreams forever and ever (until the next crush replaces him).

Food Diary #5 – Remove All Temptations From Thine Eyes October 28, 2007

Never EVER watch photos of gourmet food while you are on a diet. It is a precursor of sin.
 
My dad, who lives in France and is training to be a chef, sent me photos of his work today. Being on a bird diet (I guess I can’t be eating like a bird because I eat meat), I found myself drooling like a dog in front of a juicy steak at the sight of them. By the end of the tastebud-teasing session, I rushed over to the kitchen and helped myself to some Eddy’s churned butter pecan ice cream – the closest I had at home to whatever fancy dessert with an ice cream scoop I saw on one of the pictures.
 
Now, I’m doubling over in pain because my belly didn’t take too well to the unexpected (and unwelcome) intruder. Sin never comes without punishment. This is what I get for adding an extra 120 calories (not to mention sugars) to my diet for no good reason other than the fact that I couldn’t eat what was on my screen. In less than an hour I should expect to be sitting on the toilet polluting my lungs. Bravo.
 
I wrote to my father and asked him not to send me pictures of his mouth-watering dishes again, not while I’m just getting started on this diet, not while my weight still hasn’t budged a pound despite of all my earnest efforts. He’s supposed to visit for Christmas, though, and I’m planning to take TWO FULL WEEKS OFF from The Diet in order to fully revel in the pleasures of gourmet French cuisine and let my taste buds celebrate the year’s end.
 
Until then my eyes are blind to any gourmet food pictures that may come my way.

Exercise Diary #4 – Why I Shouldn’t Miss A Single Day of Exercise October 26, 2007

I didn’t exercise yesterday because I was so out of it. As a result of skipping the gym yesterday, it was really hard to motivate myself to go today. It seems that once you stop exercising, even if it is only for a day, it’s harder to get back at it. Fortunately I forced myself to get into my gym clothes and once I was ready to go, I was a little more energetic about going.
 
I got on the treadmill and did 30 minutes of interval training. I noticed that I had to work a lot harder at it today than I did two days ago. Again this is what happens when I miss a day of training! My body doesn’t respond as quickly and sort of has to relearn everything – at the beginning of the workout at least (after a while it became easier). Can you imagine if I didn’t exercise for a week? I’d be back at square one, ugh.
 
After the treadmill, I got onto the weight machines and this time I focused on my back, shoulders, and chest. Then I did some free weights for my arms and of course, some abs as well. As usual I ended my workout with a good stretch. The total length of today’s workout was 1 hour 10 minutes.
 
So far I can feel that my arms are getting tauter, my upper abs tighter, my love handles smaller, my butt firmer, and my legs stronger. I still have my lower belly pouch, though, which I hate the most. While it’s definitely not as big as it used to be, the sucker’s still there looking at me defiantly. But one day, one very fine day, it will be gone, and on that day I will be the proudest I will ever have been.

Food Diary #4 – New Diet Rules October 26, 2007

I finally got groceries this morning so I have PLENTY of fruits and healthy snacks to choose from. I got nuts, trail mixes, and muesli from the bulk food section at Whole Foods. I also bought low-fat string cheese, whole wheat crackers (which turned out to be too sweet for my newly adjusted taste buds), baby carrots, and decaf green tea (doubt I’ll like it, but I’d like to drink something healthy and sugarless other than water).
 
Some of my new diet rules:

• I will avoid eating out
• The entrées I eat will be homemade and done primarily from scratch
• My portions will be small
• My standard salad dressing will consist of a small amount of olive oil, vinegar, and a pinch of salt and pepper. If I can I will forgo the oil.
• I will stick to the weekly menu I set for myself
• I will never go more than three and a half hours without eating
• I will eat at least 5 times a day
• I will abstain from foods made with white flour (eg., white rice, white bread, pasta, etc.)
• I will choose 100% whole wheat or whole grain breads, crackers, waffles, and pancakes, cereal, etc
• I will try to eat a combination of complex carbs and protein at every meal/snack
• I will avoid eating processed foods
• I will steer clear of foods containing refined sugar (eg., cookies, cakes, soda, etc.)
• I will choose real fruit over fruit juice
• I will drink 6-8 glasses of water a day
• The only sweets I’ll have will be a small amount of 70% dark chocolate
• I will eat breakfast every single day within an hour of getting up
• I will stop eating dairy products made with whole milk, but will choose low-fat or nonfat dairy products instead
• I will stay away from saturated fats and trans fats
• I will have 2-3 servings of fruit a day and at least 3-4 servings of vegetables a day
• I will not consume any artificial sweeteners (eg., diet soda, sugar-free foods etc.)
• Once I lose some weight, I can eat the foods I love (that I know are not so good for me) in small quantities and if possible, in healthier versions (eg., low-fat, low-calories, reduced sugar etc.).

I don’t really want to think of myself as being on a weight loss diet. This is more of a long-term solution than a short-term one. My focus is to eat better so that I will not only lose the excess weight, but be healthier as a whole as well. I will be not be eliminating any food categories like carbs or protein because they are needed. Even fats, as long as they’re good fats (eg., nuts, avocados, and some oils), are needed. Balance is the key here.
 
——–
 
9:45 am – 1 glass of light vanilla soy milk + 2 whole wheat mini toasts
 
12:45 pm – Chicken breast, zucchini, and brown rice
1 tiny slice of leek tart (the last one I’ll eat because it’s too full of fat)
1 kiwi
 
3 pm – 2 whole wheat crackers + 1 low-fat string cheese
 
5 pm – 1 slice of whole wheat bread + peanut butter + half of a banana
 
7:45 pm – Beef, broccoli, and brown rice + 1 large serving of grated carrots
1 small apple

Sugar Withdrawal October 25, 2007

I’m beyond tired. Not my usual depressed, heavy kind of tired, but this weird, floating-on-a-cloud kind of tired.  I can feel quivers crawling on the surface of my skin. My head, squeezed by a light pulsating force, seems to be hovering somewhere above the rest of my body. Aliens have taken over me.
 
Last night I ate 2 squares of chocolate, quickly and surreptitiously, as if I thought someone would catch me in the act. It was an act of desperation. 
 
I miss the taste of sweetness. When I think about it my mouth waters. This deprivation is torture. But I must continue to tell myself it is for my greater good. To remind myself I reach down to the soft, flaccid flesh bulging from my belly. There, between my fingers, lies the reason why I must end my passionate love affair with sugar.
 
I wish the aliens would kill me instead, for I don’t know if I can live without sugar, the only source of comfort in my life.

Exercise Diary #3 – Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness October 24, 2007

Forget yesterday’s exercise diary entry. My arms are so FUCKING sore today. Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness (DOMS), they call it. No kidding; this one came 48 hours later. If I flex my arm in, it hurts like mothereffing hell. If I flex my arm out, it hurts like mothereffing hell. Well, I guess it means I really worked those arms on Monday.
 
Today I didn’t do any strength training other than my compulsory 10 minutes of abs. My abs aren’t as sore as they used to be when I first started working them. I guess it means my ab muscles aren’t shocked anymore at what I’ve been putting them through. I wish it felt that way while I was doing the ab exercises, though. I have to SCREAM each number out in pain as I count my crunches because my abs are killing me. It’s a war zone in my apartment between 6:45 and 6:55 pm everyday.
 
At the gym I only did 35 minutes of cardio; however, this time I did some interval training to spice things up. I alternated between walking (1-2 minutes), jogging (5-8 minutes), and running (1 to 1:30 minutes). It was very challenging, but exciting at the same time. Definitely makes for a more interesting time on that dull treadmill.

Food Diary #3 – Where Is The Fruit to Save Me From Myself? October 24, 2007

I was short of one fruit today because I’ve run out of them. I also should have had more vegetables, but I didn’t have any on hand either, other than what I had as cooked leftovers. I’m going grocery shopping this weekend so that I’ll have everything I need. Next week I am officially on diet.
 
My stomach is starting to get used to the scheduled teeny portions, which is a great sign. Tonight my belly feels smaller than it was earlier, thanks to my early evening workout. I had a major post-dinner sweet craving to which I alas succumbed. This is what happens when I don’t get enough carbs in the previous meal. After the demanding workout I had, I really should have helped myself to more pasta. Fruit has the uncanny ability to fool my sweet cravings, but since I had none left, I was forced to reach for the forbidden chocolate. Actually, because I can’t live without chocolate, I am going to get myself some 70% dark chocolate for next week – a little bit of it each day is supposed to be very good for you.
 
Before I go to bed tonight I’m going to attempt drinking a glass of warm soy milk. I am hoping it’ll help me fall asleep faster and prevent those middle-of-the-night hunger pangs.
 
9:00 am – 1 hard-boiled egg + 1 small serving of oatmeal with dash of light vanilla soy milk + 1 small glass of orange juice
 
11:15 am – 1 small slice of leek tart
 
1:30 pm – Tilapia fish fillet, cooked cabbage, and brown rice
 
3:15 pm – 2 whole grain mini-toasts + 1 slice of muenster cheese
 
5:30 pm – 1 small apple + 1 slice of whole wheat bread and peanut butter
 
7:00 pm – 1 small serving of whole wheat spaghetti with tomato sauce and a pinch of parmesan cheese + tilapia fish fillet
 
8:30 pm – 2 squares of white chocolate (bad, I know, but I had an awful craving)
 
Before bedtime – 1 glass of  warm light vanilla soy milk